Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity

By Michael Paramo

What living in a sexual, romantic, and binary-gendered world means and why deconstructing it can be liberating.

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A deadline approaches: Help Ending the Pursuit reach 60% by October 31st

Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity will examine how Western ideas of sexuality, romance, attraction, and gender – i.e. that sexual desire is inherently natural to all humans; that forming a sexual or romantic relationship is essential; that sensual closeness like cuddling and kissing implies sexual attraction; that gender is exclusively a binary of “man” and “woman”; etc. – are not inherently natural but instead have been naturalized over time. Along with the normalization of these ideas also came the indoctrination of certain constructs which pressured many of us to conform or “play by the rules” of sexuality, romance, attraction, and gender – to be in pursuit of “normalcy” – despite not fitting squarely within the moulds they carved out for us.

This is a book about identifying these understandings, exploring how they became prevailing social expectations, examining how their normalized status impacts our lives (whether we identify as asexual, aromantic, and/or agender, or not), and theorizing what unravelling them, or collectively ceasing to pursue them, could mean for our futures. It will simultaneously serve as an educational resource for people who seek to better understand the fundamentals of asexuality, aromanticism, and agender identity, addressing questions like:

• How did asexual identity form?

• What is aromanticism? What is romance?

• How does agender identity function in relation to the gender binary?

• What is the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire?

• What does it mean to lack romantic attraction?

• What is attraction? How does attraction function?

Given the subject matter’s complexity, rather than telling a singular narrative, this book will devote chapters to essential asexual, aromantic, and/or agender subjects while interweaving relevant knowledge. For example, one of the book’s early chapters will examine the emergence of asexual identity online, and its subsequent community, in the 1990s and early 2000s. While the source material may be perceived to be somewhat dated, many self-identified asexual people discussed subjects at this time which hold deep relevance today (see: excerpt).

The subject matter of this book will be explored from an asexual, aromantic, and agender perspective – a worldview which remains largely misunderstood and invisible to “mainstream” discourses. In a world in which these perspectives of "lacking" have been deemed to be humanely impossible, abnormal, and unnatural, illuminating this “lost” or missing perspective unearths a liberating possibility to expand how we think of sexuality, romance, attraction, and gender in ways which, from an external position, may be overlooked or otherwise unimaginable.

In other words, this is a book about freedom.

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  • Michael Paramo avatar

    Michael Paramo

    Michael Paramo was born on Tongva, Acjachemen, and Payómkawichum land, is currently a PhD student on Musqueam land researching subjects and constructs related to (a)sexuality, (a)romanticism, (a)gender existence, decoloniality, and Indigeneity, has a Twitter account @mxparamo and a Profile Page, and is always thinking of ways to re-embody an inner artistic spirit located within them. Michael created The Asexual in October 2016 – an online journal publishing the creative expressions of ace, aro, and gender authors, serves as the Lead Editor of the journal, and manages its social media @AsexualJournal.


    Michael has presented their research on historicising asexuality at the National Women's Studies Association conference and has been invited to Princeton University and UC Davis to facilitate workshops on asexual and aromantic identity. Their formal academic writing has been accepted for publication in the peer-reviewed Video Game Art Reader and they have been interviewed by Buzzfeed Reader, The Huffington Post and Slate.fr, among others. Michael is in the process of reconnecting with aspects of their identity problematised as a result of colonialism. Their work has become an extension of a process of healing dedicated to themselves, others, and the Earth.

  • Chapter 01: The Emergence of Asexual Identity “I am an asexual person wondering if my lack of sexual interest might doom me to relative loneliness – a life with many good and special friends, but without a lifelong, deeply loving, committed bond to anyone.” On December 17th, 1990, Claia Bryja opened a discussion topic entitled “Committed, Loving, yet Asexual Relationships” on Usenet: a communicative network popular in the early 1990s and still active today. Bryja opened her post with the preceding message for whoever had access to the server, the desire to engage, and the fortuity of encountering it. What made her declaration important was its transmission through a newly available and increasingly public forum – computer technology.
    Read more...
  • 4th October 2019 First monthly goal reached!

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you for supporting Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity to reach its first monthly goal of 40% by the end of September! I'm thrilled with the response that this book has received so far and remain hopeful that this project will fund by the end of the year, so thank you again for sharing and supporting the project.

    I have managed The Asexual…

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  • Mary R. Crumpton
    Mary R. Crumpton asked:

    In considering asexuality within the context of western norms, will you be including any discussion of asexuality within non-monogamous relationships such as polyamory?

    Michael Paramo
    Michael Paramo replied:

    I believe the subject will likely arise organically in my discussion of asexuality and the expectations of relationships within Western society at some point, yes.