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When I was pregnant, I thought that motherhood would be the making of me. And I was right - but not in the way that I expected.
I bought the books, went to the antenatal classes, bounced away on an inflatable ball… and was entirely unprepared for what was about to happen to me.
My son’s birth was wrought with complications, culminating in an emergency caesarean section that saved my life but left me profoundly traumatised. A month later, I broke down completely. I was admitted into a psychiatric mother and baby unit, where I could be safe and could remain with my baby. Once there, as I was able to rest and begin to recover, I was confronted with some startling truths about my own history.
All My Worldly Joy is a memoir of how I lost my mind and found myself as a mother. More than that, it’s the book that I needed to read in the midst of post-traumatic stress -- something I hadn’t realised that childbirth could trigger -- and in those long months afterward when I simply couldn’t imagine that I would ever be anything but miserable. It’s the book that I wish those around me had read, especially the midwives and doctors who were ill-equipped to help me when I was struggling.
A recent survey by the NCT suggests that half of new mothers experience some kind of emotional or mental health problem. And only half of those who do receive any help or support. As we chip away at the stigma and shame of perinatal mental illness, a movement is gathering momentum. Women are raising their voices and the message is clear: we have to do better by our mothers, babies and families.
I have been speaking and campaigning on this issue for a couple of years and now I invite you to join me as I explore further. In All My Worldly Joy, I consider not just what happened to me but what society tells us about birth and motherhood, and what we tell ourselves. I reflect upon the impact of birth trauma, how others can help or harm in the aftermath and how traumatic experiences change us and direct us.
To be honest, sharing what happened in detail feels pretty terrifying. But I believe that, unless we have these tough conversations about motherhood, nothing will change. I am crowdfunding this book because this is not just my story: thousands of women are affected, to varying degrees, every year, and there is a vibrant community of passionate people who are striving to improve what care and support is available. We need to do this together. And, for me personally, I think Amanda Palmer was spot on in her TED talk, when she compared crowdfunding to crowdsurfing: writing this book feels like launching myself from a high place. I have to trust that you, my readers, will catch me.
The title - All My Worldly Joy - is a phrase from a letter to Henry VII from his mother, Lady Margaret Beaufort, who gave birth to him when she was just 13. As you might imagine, it was a difficult labour. Henry was her only child and she was devoted to him - “my son and all my worldly joy.” I came across her phrase whilst researching for my PhD. At the time, I was writing it up with a sick toddler, on forty minutes’ sleep, and I was feeling pretty wretched. It reminded me just how the centre of my universe has shifted, and of the thousand tiny joys my son brings me every day.
Portrayals of mothers, and fathers, with mental health difficulties can be pretty damning. This book aims to counteract some of that stigma. It’s an unflinching account of the struggle of parenting through mental illness, but it is ultimately hopeful - a story of self-discovery, of purpose, and of profound love.
Laura will be donating 50 per cent of her profits from this book to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance
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Laura Wood writes, speaks, and advocates for better maternal mental health care, having become acutely unwell after the traumatic birth of her son in 2014. She was subsequently admitted to a psychiatric mother and baby unit, where she was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. She now works with a number of organisations, including Mind and the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, to raise awareness and to improve support available for new mothers. In her other life, she is an early career researcher in medieval history and enjoys wearing brooches, stomping about with headphones on, bullet journalling, and pretending with her son that the floor is lava.
All My Worldly Joy is her first book.
- 9th May 2020 Locked down mothering.
After confidently asserting in my last update that I was on the mend after CoViD and picking things up again, I've had a bit of a setback. This seems to be how it goes. Snakes and ladders. Greetings from my bed.
We've had a flurry of book pledges after one of my tweets went semi-viral last weekend, so now just a smidge off 63%. Getting there! I must remember to promote the book…28th April 2020 Hello, strangers.
I'm sorry for the radio silence; everything has happened. I've been thinking of you all often and wondering how you are. Do get in touch, if you'd like, and let me know how you're doing amidst all this. I would love to hear from you.
I came down with the virus five weeks ago and have been really quite poorly. I had throat and chest infections subsequently but managed to dodge hospital, thanks largely…3rd March 2020 Thinking the Unthinkable
Let's talk about intrusive thoughts.
Research suggests that most of us get them - those thoughts and images that pop up unbidden. For lots of us, they can be distressing and/or involve things that we might hypothetically do.
I might jump in front of that train.
I might kick that dog.
I might shout something racist in the street.
(It’s worth pointing out that intrusive thoughts can be…19th February 2020 'A Sturdy Dame, and a Wilful'
You might remember that the title of this book - 'All My Worldly Joy' comes from a letter to Henry VII from his mother, Lady Margaret Beaufort. I think of her sometimes - 12 years old, newly widowed and heavily pregnant, alone and unprotected in what was then a lawless region. She went to her brother-in-law's for safety and almost died giving birth to Henry. She never conceived again…18th January 2020 Short days, long months, writing and not writing
Dearest 317 supporters,
It feels like the 317th of January - how is it still January? - and I just wanted to check in, really, and say that I haven't forgotten you. Thanks for being the invisible cheering crowd that I envisage when I hit the brick wall of "I can't do this."
I did lots of bookwriting in a frenzied burst a couple of weeks ago. My friend Nikki and I went to the Isle of Wight for…17th December 2019 Christmas sheep and self-care
First of all, I've been meaning to write the last couple of weeks and tell you - in case you haven't seen already - that the perinatal peer support principles are here and ready to use. We launched them at Peerfest in Birmingham a couple of weeks ago, and I also published this blog post about co-creating the principles. The Peerfest team had originally capped the number of participants…13th November 2019 Pretty Good Year
Today marks one year since everything shifted - both for my life and for this book. That evening, my husband packed his bags and got into a taxi and then the house was quiet and I was a single mum.
I was a few months into the crowdfunding campaign for All My Worldly Joy and realised I suddenly had much less time and money that I had been counting on to get this done. I wrote this…16th October 2019 Get your diaries out!
I just wanted to touch base with you all, as it's been a little while, and to share a couple of bits of news and an invitation.
We passed 300 supporters (yay!) and are now 56% funded. Things have slowed a bit lately, partly because it's been summer and partly because I'm writing the damn book, plus working and singlemothering and it is a lot, so I don't have much time to be in people…23rd August 2019 A small milestone.
I did a brave thing last night. OK, technically I did it by accident but it totally still counts.
I sent a chunk of All My Worldly Joy to Unbound! My commissioning editor, Fiona, asked to have a look, to see how it's coming along. I've been really anxious about this, about someone other than me seeing any of the draft. I sent one to a few people about a year ago but it's been…2nd July 2019 Co-production, everyone!
Some friends and I decided a while ago that co-production is like teenage sex: hardly anyone is doing it - most don't even know how to do it - but everyone thinks that everyone else is doing it, and so everyone pretends that they're doing it. This is still mostly the case, but there are glimpses of progress. Maternity services are embracing 'co-creation' as service user led MVPs (maternity voice partnerships…16th June 2019 My Baby, Psychosis and Me
Hi everyone, just a quickie from me - as it's currently late on Sunday night and I need to be on a train to London early tomorrow morning for 'I is for Insult - Questioning "Borderline Personality Disorder"' - I wanted to recommend to you a documentary called My Baby, Psychosis and Me. It's filmed in the psychiatric mother and baby unit where I was a patient in 2014, and not long after I left. This…2nd June 2019 Woah-ah, we're half way there-re....
I've been singing Livin' on a Prayer all day. My singing, as Arthur once succintly described it, is "a bad noise". But - it's true - we are HALF WAY THERE. We hit 50% over the weekend. This is so, so great. And I owe you all an update so here goes.
Apparently no Unbound campaign has ever reached 50% and then not completed funding to produce an actual book, so that's encouraging! Given that…5th May 2019 Breastfeeding, formula-feeding, and the NCT
Many of you will have been following the recent controversy around the NCT and infant feeding. The NCT president, Seana Talbot, resigned a couple of weeks ago, stating that she felt the charity was moving away from its original emphasis on breastfeeding and birth towards more generic parent support and perinatal mental health. Zoe Williams responded in the Guardian, citing the harm done by militant…29th April 2019 It's maternal mental health awareness week!
I just wanted to let you all know about UK Maternal Mental Health Matters Awareness Week, which is happening right now! It's run by the Perinatal Mental Health Partnership, and AnotherMother has created this really rather gorgeous overview of the week. There are lots of opportunities to get involved, and discussions on topics such as breastfeeding and medication, post-adoption depression…7th April 2019 Dear GP
If you’ve ever been referred to a psychiatrist, chances are you’ll have received a letter after every appointment. This letter is not addressed to you: it’s from the psychiatrist to the GP - about you. You are copied in. These clinic letters are one-sided and they are subjective, and subsequently they have the potential to be all sorts of upsetting. They can include observations about your appearance…23rd March 2019 Netmums video
I wanted to share with you this shiny new video from Netmums, who interviewed me over Skype about birth trauma and maternal mental health. I explain about postnatal PTSD, talk about my own experience very briefly, and signpost to some support available. (I tell you this from memory: I have a policy of not watching or listening to myself at all as I know I will only dissolve into…3rd March 2019 Fanny Fanackapan
This is a little off-topic but bear with me. I suspect the maternal mental health / feminist parenting overlap is a significant one. And I want to talk to you about vulvas.
It’s been niggling at me for a while that, whilst little boys almost universally have a ‘willy’, there is no equivalent for little girls: there’s no child-friendly word for vulva in common enough usage to be…17th February 2019 Happyish birthdays
Birthdays after birth trauma are funny things. They’re times of joy and celebration of a much-loved child, and yet they’re also ‘crappiversaries’ – a concise if rather twee name for the anniversary of a traumatic event. I’m not sure why crappiversaries have to be a Thing, and yet somehow they are. You can ignore them, but they insist. In a way, it’s like the events of a year ago…4th January 2019 Exciting times.
Hope you all had merry Christmases and happy new years. I’ve not been particularly in the mood for festivities this year, if I’m honest, but I’m looking hopefully to 2019. I am just picking up the crowdfunding again – we've just reached both 35% and 200 supporters. That’s more than a third of the way there. Yay. Writing has really taken off this past month or so. I finally followed…17th December 2018 Try to have your writing make sense.
Back in the day, it was all about webforums. I frequented numerous of these online establishments – despite, of course, the fact that I was deeply trendy and had many, many friends in the real world, obviously… My favourite was a poetry forum called The Poetry Free-For-All, or PFFA. I wrote angsty poems, like most teenagers do, and it probably comes as no surprise that I was exceptionally…26th November 2018 Sprogcast
First of all, thank you for your beautiful, heartfelt, overwhelming responses to my last update. I’m sorry that few of you got more back from me than variations on “Thank you x” - I was just so depleted at that point, and had used up all my words. I am still quite short on conversation, to be honest. But please know that your kindness and support really does mean the world, even…19th November 2018 Snowdrops and witch hazel
I'm learning that a book is two stories: the story within the book, and the story of writing the book. The two merge and fuse and blend in all sorts of unexpected ways. I'm currently reading Tom Cox's Help the Witch, a collection of ghost stories and almost-ghost stories. They’re unsettling in a way that I find strangely satisfying. And as I read them I remember his blog posts from…25th October 2018 I trust you this much.
Last week was quite a big one for AMWJ. We surpassed both 150 supporters and 25% funding, and, at the time of writing, we’re currently cruising a cool 28%… I was also interviewed by the NCT about the book, which was grand. Welcome on board to all the new supporters, and thank you – it means everything that you’re here. If you’d like to, you can catch up on the journey so far.…29th September 2018 Growing Up Mental
Yesterday two rather brilliant book-things happened: we smashed 20% - and 21%, in fact – and I finished the first draft of the first chapter.
This chapter has been a bit of a tricky one: basically what happens in it is I get pregnant. (Spoiler alert!) But there’s also some necessary background info about my decidedly colourful mental health history and I need to present that without…17th September 2018 The Fraud Police
I guess this is less of a book-writing update and more of a not-book-writing update… Truth is I’ve been feeling somewhat flattened the last week or so. Part of this is that my husband, Jon, has been working away in the Netherlands, and I missed him. He called to tell me how enthusiastic the Dutch are. The company he was visiting declared it ‘British Week’ in his honour. ‘British…7th September 2018 School Daze
So today we reached 15% and we are rapidly approaching 100 supporters. Tremendous. The Positive Birth Movement also very kindly featured me on their blog. Thank you and welcome on board to everyone who has pledged recently. If you fancy, you can catch up on the previous update here. And do let’s be pals on Twitter, if you are of a tweeting persuasion. I am @cooksferryqueen.…23rd August 2018 Ten!
We’re at 10%!
Ten may not sound like a lot of per cent but this is a big project and I'm awed and thrilled that we've reached it so soon. Thus far 62 glorious individual humans have pledged for the book. When we launched, Fiona (the commissioning editor at Unbound) said to me, “10% is your first target,” and it felt impossibly distant. Then we hit 5% in the first 24 hours…
These people are helping to fund All My Worldly Joy.
Jane Ariztegieta Scott