Of all the exciting rewards I'm excited about sharing, I think I'm MOST excited about the erotic audio recording. When I started writing #PlayingToLose, back in 2016, I was absolutely sure I wouldn't include any actual sex, because writing anything that explicitly honest felt unfeasibly scary.  Then, the process of writing a memoir kind of stripped away any sense of wanting to keep things private. If I could share the worst events in my life, why not share the best, too?

So eventually, I learned how to write sex and BDSM without needing to hide under a blanket at the same time. And then I discovered I loved it; so much so that I started writing little erotic stories of my own, that weren't meant to be part of my memoir at all.

One of those turned out long, and I love it, so it's going to the be audio file I record for supporters who chose that level. But here's my very shortest one, which I wrote to try to express the UTTER PANIC I've sometimes experiened doing IRL BDSM. I assume some of this panic is ex-JW guilt, but some of it is also a fear that if I show the wrong person how submissive I actually am, they might find me kind of ridiculous, rather than hot :0  So here is my minature, panicky story, based on a long ago version of me.

                                                                           The Beginning

Fear, and wonder; joy, and panic. Your hands, confident, on my body in the doorway, then guiding me to the chair in front of the long mirror. Watching as you buckle the collar round my neck, exactly like a movie, but this time, real. The earth tilting, a feeling like vertigo, my breathing fast and loud. No hiding my feelings now; the relief massive. Your breath on my throat, the scent of your skin, your fingers in my mouth. On my knees, then over your knee, the shock of the pain from your bare hand spanking. Melting, liquid, my voice far off.  Back on my knees, the texture of the carpet. Your cock. Fucking hell, your cock. Crawling toward you like it was a magnet. My mouth, irresistibly drawn to it, exactly as I’d planned not to be. My lips, exploring its gorgeous contours. Desire for you swelling inside me, my mind whirring disbelievingly, it’s real it’s real it’s real it’s real it’s real.

On all fours, on the bed. Your voice, permeating every moment, calm and velvet. The cane; no memory of the caning, only the marks. Your mouth, on the stripes you’d made. Your touch, making me feel awake, alive.  Next to you, on the bed. In your arms, unexpectedly. A steel hand, clenching my chest; a warning.  Ignoring it; desire for you too strong to fight.  The perfection of your skin, my hands on your chest, my mouth on your cock. The room wrecked, the windows open, the noise of the hot city below us. You, beautiful and beside me. Fear, wonder, joy, panic. Hope.