Currabawn Intelligencer, Trumpet & Recorder.
Report: Clement Snood, Literary Correspondent.
There has been a lot of talk recently concerning yet another 'literary renaissance' in Ireland but there won't be quite so much comment whether on the art of fiction or anything else pertaining to the 'primacy of the word' after what happened late last night on Main Sreet. When police were called to the scene of a disturbance at 'Gertie's Sweet and Newsgent's Emporium' only to be confronted by the sight of two elderly ladies (co-proprietors) in the course of what Sgt Comyns (a direct man by nature) later described as 'battering seven shades of sh*t' out of one another, beside an opened case of what the Sgt amusingly identified as 'folding green.'
Apparently, these monies are connected with the purported publication of a work of fiction - which, it was stated by Gertie, (clearly intoxicated) as 'a quite magnificent achievement, smart and dazzling - quite possibly the greatest excursion into the realm of fiction produced in Ireland since Rex Carlo And The Broken Stick - seeing as it doesn't exist!'
'Unlike this here cash!,' she continued, indicating the bulging suitcase,'Whch is going to see me off to the Bahamas - but not with this old flute lying here, my supposed sister, who has done nothing behind this counter for nigh on forty years, except read The Sacred Heart Messenger and watch Upstairs Downstars - so why should I care? Poguemahone? Yes! That is exactly what she can do, and I'm sure you don't need any Kuno Meyer, the legendary German/Gaelic folklorist and scholar, to translate what it means for you! So, good night and good luck - and, as Richard Pryor might say, "kiss muh vutta!"'
According to the sergeant, just as her sister woke up on the floor, the proprietress of Gertie's Sweets hit him a shove and pushed him out of the way, and hasn't been seen since.
So I don't know - Irish fiction seems to be in an awful way if the likes of this can happen.
What do you think, subscribers?
O, man alive - isn't it a terror all the same?