HELLO LOVES.
Well blimey, and possibly even crikey.
I wanted to put up a shed entry after the first week after the book went live giving a status update. As it stands, we blew through 100% funding within 24 hours of going live - a new record for Unbound - and at the moment of writing we're at 182%. This is amazing and I thank you all for your support.
Thanks also go to Unbound, who agreed with me that there was an audience for this book and took a chance on it. Unlike the traditional publishers who can all jump in a lake. (A nice warm shallow lake. Let's not be cruel here.)
I had a stretch goal planned if we reached 150%. Since we have blasted past that, I present it to you below this line made up of hyphens:
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Back in 2011 when we were all waiting for Google Buzz to be discontinued, I was contacted by the Guinness World Records people and asked to write a piece for their 2012 Gamer's Edition book about terrible and obscure old video games. I agreed and presented them with ten utterly unheard-of nasties from the pits of time, presented with disparaging humour as a break from the super-serious factual tone of the rest of the book.
Unfortunately the article was sub-edited to death. Every entry was rewritten to remove any personality, they added E.T. for the Atari 2600 which I felt was far too obvious, and inexplicably placed a random and meaningless "Grade" after each entry. And most unforgivably, they introduced tense errors into one of the entries and put a pathetic pun at the start of another. Also why do they all have in-game screenshots except Cosmic Shock Absorber which shows the front cover OK I'LL STOP NOW.
The upshot was that I decided to begin research for a book of my own that would just cover terrible old games. That, obviously, is the book that you have pledged towards.
And then before the end of the year Google Buzz was discontinued and we all celebrated! But it was immediately replaced by Google+ and the screams haven't stopped since.
Below you will find the original text and images I submitted to Guinness, available for the first time. (Unless I put it somewhere online years ago and forgot about it.) It's very much a tiny undeveloped prototype of Terrible Old Games You've Never Heard Of - compare the 84 words on Hunter to the 1,158 in the full book. Plus I worked out the release date by going through dozens of copies of a German language Atari Magazine! What an evening that was.
And under that, I've included scans of the published article from the Guinness book for people who enjoy comparing things.
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TEN TERRIBLE OLD GAMES YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF
Hello! I'm Stuart Ashen, but you may know me as Ashens. Instead of having a real job I make YouTube videos poking fun at rubbish things. I've been a gamer for over 25 years, and during that time I've wasted far too much money on some really appalling titles.
Some games are so fundamentally broken and tedious that nobody in their right mind could derive any enjoyment from them. And if you think some modern games are poor, they're nothing compared to the horrors thrust upon unwary customers 25 years ago.
You may have heard of E.T. for the Atari 2600, which was so bad that it effectively crashed the American video game industry in 1983. But you probably haven't heard of the ten truly appalling, obscure and ancient games I've shared below. Remember: this isn't a definitive list, but if you play any of these games and actually have fun, then you definitely need to seek psychiatric help.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET (BBC Micro, Tynesoft, 1984)
A bizarre set of mini-games supposedly based on the TV comedy drama
In an odd setup for a game this has you laying bricks, going to a pub, and walking across a dark car park. All three tasks involve you desperately trying to control a tiny, sliding stick man who moves faster than a rocket powered Ferrari. The slightest mistake results in instant failure - which happens constantly as he moves so quickly and the obstacles are so tight. Frustrating dross.
ALIEN SIDESTEP (Commodore Vic 20, Mr. Computer Products, 1983)
A wholehearted attempt to create the most pointless game ever
Essentially a version of Space Invaders where an endless stream of enemies move from left to right. But! They have the ability to actively dodge bullets by stopping and moving back a bit. This means the only way to hit them is to shimmy left and right whilst constantly firing, thus removing all choice for the player - and taking any gameplay along with it. Incalculably worthless and boring.
SURF NINJAS (Commodore CD32, MicroValue, 1994)
An incredibly awful game licensed from a pretty awful kids movie
A fairly pretty scrolling beat 'em up that falls flat on many other levels. The collision detection is atrocious, but that doesn't matter much as you can simply walk past the endless stream of identical enemies. The non-action is broken up by laughably weak puzzles, such as an old man who blocks your path until you bring him some tiny crates. It also features gory death moves despite being marketed to children. Despicable.
BARRAVENTO: O MESTRE DA CAPOEIRA (Commodore Amiga, 1993, Hitek)
If Street Fighter II is gold, then this is ear wax
This Brazilian game attempts to portray the elegant, dance-like martial art of Capoeira and fails spectacularly. A one-on-one fighting game with only one character and three attack moves, Barravento basically consists of two men flailing their limbs and sliding about until one falls over. The controls frequently fail to respond and repeating the same kick is the only effective tactic. Some people paid money for this and I pity them.
HUNTER (Atari 800XL, Power Per Post, Year Unknown)
A German target shooting game for the terminally dull
Do you like shooting cardboard cut-outs of blocky animals as they slide across a landscape? Would you like to do so using a randomly jittery, fully automatic machine gun? Are you so lazy that you can't be bothered to aim and just want all the cutouts to slide past exactly the same place? If so then this game is perfect for you! Also, you are an idiot.
GRAFFITI MAN (Atari ST, 1987, Rainbow Arts)
Less a game, and more a cartoonish fever dream
The game starts. The screen is filled with grotesquely ugly freaks jerking around. You move your character slightly and he touches a freak. He instantly explodes. Next life: You carefully move along the screen but you can't tell exactly where your character is standing. He touches a freak and explodes. Final life: You navigate past some freaks and then explode for no noticeable reason. Game over. You weep hot, bitter tears of anger and frustration.
COSMIC SHOCK ABSORBER (MSX, Martech Games, 1987)
Unplayable flickering shambles sold as a game for some reason
This was supposed to be a first-person space shooter with comedy overtones. In fact all you seemed to do was shoot or dodge circles, which jerk around so slowly that you can't tell what's going on or even if the controls are working. Generally you will be dead within 90 seconds and there's very little you can do about it. Distressingly poor.
INTERGALACTIC CAGE MATCH (Commodore 64, Mastertronic, 1987)
A wrestling game for people who hate wrestling, but enjoy climbing
Theoretically, this game involves several aliens beating each other up until one can climb to the top of the screen without the other one smacking them back down. In reality it's almost impossible to hit your opponent, as the small number of wrestling moves at your disposable don't actually seem to work. However that becomes irrelevant once you discover that when someone starts climbing they cannot be knocked down. As a result it's possible to win every CPU match by simply holding left, and 2-player games are effectively a race to climb a fence.
COUNT DUCKULA 2 (Amstrad CPC, Alternative Software, 1992)
Hideously flawed and lazy conversion of an already horrible game
TV hero Duckula travels across several boring screens by jumping on platforms that slowly flicker in and out of existence. Everything moves so ridiculously slowly that you spend most of your time waiting for platforms to appear. Enemies trundle around and you can squirt them with a gun that has little effect. The graphics are a squashed mess. The second screen can't be completed normally due to a design flaw. I could go on...
The ZX Spectrum version of this game was once voted the worst on the system. This conversion is far worse. An insult to children and gamers alike.
SQIJ! (ZX Spectrum, The Power House, 1987)
Utterly broken bird-related nonsense - barely a game at all
Have you heard of playtesting, where a game is repeatedly played before release to ensure it works well? You have? Brilliant! Maybe you can travel back to 1987 and tell The Power House about the concept.
When you start the game, you are presented with what appears to be a huge pigeon made out of paper that doesn't do anything. And it never will do anything, as due to a programming oversight none of the controls work. Remember that this game was sold in shops for real money. Beyond shameful.
Years later, clever programmers discovered that you can break into the game and fix the controls. You can then make the pigeon flicker incredibly slowly across the screen to one of two exits. One exit does nothing, the other makes the game crash. It seems the control problem was saving us from the greater evil of a clearly unfinished game.
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