Brextorians had long suspected that at the time of the Brexit negotiations, a series of audio recordings were made by and of government officials. In the year 3563, their suspicions were confirmed with the discovery of the first cache of tapes: conversations in the halls of Westminster and in private residences, secretly recorded in direct contravention of privacy laws.
In The Brexit Tapes, the transcripts of these recordings are published for the very first time. Compiled by leading Brextorian John Bull, they offer a remarkable insight into the lost years from the Referendum to the Second Dark Age, and a clear picture of the events leading up to the civil war that followed.
Directly challenging the accounts of Brexit provided in The Book of Mogg and Lord Johnson’s Res Brexitica, these transcripts are our first concrete record of history as it happened and, for the modern reader, a way to finally understand one of the most tumultuous periods of British history.
THE BREXIT TAPES
**Confidential Historical Document. Released to remaining public after expiration of the One-Hundred-and-Thirty-Year Act.**
Transcript covers 15th — 16th November 2018 and the time of Great Resignation.
LIDINGTON: First minister’s gone. It’s Shailesh.
MAY: Who?
LIDINGTON: Shailesh Vara.
MAY: David, I was up until 4am pretending to give a shit about Corbyn’s recipe for raspberry jam. My brain is broken. I have not yet had coffee. Who is that?
LIDINGTON: Damn. I was hoping you knew.
LIDINGTON: Okay. Shailesh. According to Wikipedia he’s from Cambridgeshire.
MAY: Hmmm.
LIDINGTON: Black belt in Tai Kwondo. No scandal section.
MAY: Nice. You sure he’s one of ours?
LIDINGTON: ‘Implemented devastating cuts to legal aid.’
MAY: Oh right. Yeah. Definitely one of ours.
LIDINGTON: There goes Raab.
MAY: Dom?! The little fucking traitor.
LIDINGTON: Yup. Here’s his letter.
MAY: ‘I Have resigned so I can spend more time with an atlas.’
LIDINGTON: Yes. That part was a bit weird.
MAY: Who’s next? Grayling?
LIDINGTON: Maybe. Although Grayling will…
MAY: Careful! Remember the curse. Say it three times and he appears.
LIDINGTON: Sorry. Then Leadsom next I think. Failing that…
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I SAID FAILING!
GRAYLING: That works too!
GRAYLING: What are we talking about?
MAY: Go away Chris.
GRAYLING: Is it Brexit?
LIDINGTON: Go away Chris.
GRAYLING: Esther gave me a letter to give you.
MAY: Shit.
GRAYLING: Also are you going to Michael Gove’s pizza party later?
LIDINGTON: Shit.
GRAYLING: It’s a secret one! Shhhh!
LIDINGTON: Suella Bravernann has gone now.
MAY: Okay, seriously you made that name up.
LIDINGTON: I didn’t!
MAY: Who’s next? Willie Dustice?
LIDINGTON: She’s real! I swear!
MAY: Sure. Has Dwigt Rortugal gone yet?
LIDINGTON: Look! She’s on Wikipedia!
MAY: That’s not a valid source, David.
GREGGS LADY: Hello duck! We’ve not seen you in a while!
ED MILIBAND: I’ve been… away.
GREGGS LADY: Well it’s nice to see you again. What can I get you?
MILIBAND: Bacon butty please.
GREGGS: LADY: You want ketchup in that?
MILIBAND: Drown it.
MAY
GOVE:
MAY: How you do think I know?
GRAYLING: Hello!
GOVE:
MAY: I propose an alternative: Become My Brexit Minister.
GOVE:
MAY: Think about it Michael this could be your chance to prove everyone wrong.
GOVE:
MAY: Brexit Secretary. They’d HAVE to admire you.
GOVE:
MAY: They’d have to love you then, Michael. The people, they’d have to respect you.
GOVE:
JAYAWARDENA: Prime Minister…
MAY: The lasagna please. And what’s the dessert of the day?
JAYAWARDENA: No, Prime Minister it’s me.
MAY:
JAYAWARDENA: Ranil Jayawardena? PPS at Justice?
MAY: Still no.
JAYAWARDENA: I hearby resi…
MAY: Meh. Join the queue. I’m on lunch.
REES-MOGG: Fair maiden! Where is the Vellum? I must write to the 1922 Committee!
TILL LADY: Paper? Over there.
REES-MOGG: Vellum, sweet child! Vellum! One does not use paper for the ‘22!
TILL LADY: Is that like Post-its then? They're over there.
REES-MOGG: Vellum!
TILL LADY: Sir there’s a queue.
LIDINGTON: Rees-Mogg’s letter is in.
MAY: Tedious little shit.
LIDINGTON: Anything from Gove?
MAY: I feel terror and an overwhelming urge to vomit, so maybe his human form approaches.
LIDINGTON: Oh sorry, that's my fault. I forgot to mute Sky and Rees-Mogg’s live.
MAY: Okay, yes, the feeling has passed.
LIDINGTON: Leadsom’s up in the house. Says she’s not resigning.
MAY: Fucksake, can’t one thing go my way today?
LIDINGTON: Is that not… a good thing?
MAY: Think about it David. This means we STILL have to invite her to Cabinet Meetings.
LIDINGTON: Rumours about Chris now. Shall I…
MAY: Grayling Grayling Grayling
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I was going to call him.
MAY: The curse is quicker. Chris have you been speaking to Gove again?
GRAYLING: Um… No?
MAY: You’re covered in ichor, Chris
GRAYLING: Okay yes.
MAY: What did Gove say to you?
GRAYLING: He sang a song, straight into my brain. Like sugar, sorrow and power intertwined. Through it all, one world resolved: ‘resign’.
MAY: Oh Jesus. Gove got to you.
GRAYLING: Also he gave me pizza.
MAY:
GRAYLING: It was Hawaiian.
MAY: Sweet mercy.
GRAYLING: I think this means I have to resign.
LIDINGTON: Chris, you’re a valuable member of the team and...
GRAYLING: That’s very nice of you to say so David, but I feel very strongly about this. I hereby...
MAY: You’re NOT resigning Chris. You don’t want to.
GRAYLING: Oh. Okay miss. Sorry.
MAY
GOVE:
MAY: Sorry? Is that yes or no?
GOVE:
MAY: Michael, this would be a lot easier if you assumed human form for a few minutes.
GOVE:
MAY: Yes I know it’s your day off, but still.
LIDINGTON: Okay. Press conference booked for five.
MAY: Cheers.
LIDINGTON: What are you going to say?
MAY: Honestly? I really don’t know. I just thought... YOLO
LIDINGTON: You could do the little dance again?
MAY: Really, David?
LIDINGTON: Oh come on! How could it POSSIBLY make things any worse?!
LIDINGTON: Okay, thinking out of the box... you could go full George-from-Seinfeld-after-he-quit?
MAY: So turn up, don’t mention Brexit, pretend the whole referendum never happened?
LIDINGTON: Yes, and hope everyone is so embarrassed they all pretend the same.
MAY: I mean, it’s pretty tempting…
LIDINGTON: Rehman Chishti has quit now.
MAY: Who ARE all these people?!
LIDINGTON: I have no idea.
MAY: I need to start reading stuff before I sign it.
LIDINGTON: Wait… ‘Trade Envoy’ apparently.
MAY: I mean, what even IS that?!
LIDINGTON: Are Trade Envoys the ones who go helicopter golfing with Prince Andrew?
MAY: No, that’s Cultural Ambassadors.
LIDINGTON: Oh yes.
MAY: Hang on, are they the ones we send to the hot, humid countries we hate?
LIDINGTON: No, that’s Liam Fox.
MAY: Ha! Oh yeah.
MAY: All I’m saying, Donald, is you’re being VERY unhelpful here.
TUSK: Me? All I said was ‘no brexit’ is an option. It was just a little comment.
MAY: And that’s… wait, are you LAUGHING.
TUSK: *stiffles giggles* no.
MAY: You are!
TUSK: I’m not!
MAY: Donald! I swear… hello?!
TUSK
MACRON: Let me answer next time! We’ll make her think she dialed the wrong number
TUSK: No, it is mean!
MACRON: Okay, but let me make another public comment about a European Army.
TUSK: LOL! Okay go on then.
LIDINGTON: Okay, show time. What are you doing again?
MAY: Still no idea.
LIDINGTON: Just think, ‘what would David Cameron do’?
MAY: ...And then do the opposite. Yes I know. Actually… do you think announcing his arrest and execution would help?
LIDINGTON:
MAY: Just thinking out loud.
MAY: How did I do?
LIDINGTON: You didn’t really say anything.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: I mean, it was pretty much a rehash of the same stuff as this morning.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: Basically, a damp squib.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: Top, top trolling.
MAY: Thanks!
MAY: Okay Michael
GOVE:
MAY: Yes, we’ll see you soon.
LIDINGTON: He’s coming over?
MAY: As soon as he’s got his skin on.
LIDINGTON: I’ll lock the cat away.
MAY: Thanks, and send down to the kitchen for some live mice.
GOVE: It iS GoOd tO SeE YOu AgaiN PriMe MINIsTeR. On MY DaY oFF.
MAY: Thanks for coming Michael
GOVE: It IS Of nO CoNSEqUencE.
MAY: You’re very kind.
GOVE: AlTHOugh TOday IS My DaY oFF.
MAY: Yes, I know, you already said.
GOVE: YoU wiLL PaY hoMAGE?
MAY: Sorry?
GOVE
MAY: Oh right! Sorry! David! The mice please.
GOVE
DAVID: My God.
GOVE: Do I HAve sOME on MY ChIN?
MAY: David don’t stare.
GOVE
MAY: Will you be Brexit Secretary?
GOVE: WEll iT iS a SUBJeCt I HaVE OPIniOns oN.
MAY: I know.
GOVE: AnD I hAVE aLWAys bEEn LoYal aND trUE to mY FriENDs.
LIDINGTON: Weeeell...
GOVE: OKaY, ApART fROM tHAt ONe TiME.
LIDINGTON: One?
GOVE: Or PErHAps tWIcE.
LIDINGTON: Try five.
MAY: Be nice, David.
GOVE: If i AM To SErvE tHEn I hAVe dEMAnDs.
MAY: Shoot.
GOVE: I wISh to ReNEgoTIaTe tHE TeRMs.
MAY: Okay. Tricky. But maybe.
GOVE: AnD A FRee VoTE iN ParlIAMent.
MAY: Keep talking.
GOVE: alSO aN IteM oN mY STeaM wISHList is ON SAle.
LIDINGTON: More mice?
GOVE: ThANk YoU.
MAY: Okay we can work with this.
GOVE: AnD OnE FiNAL DemAND. I reQUIre BoRIS JohNSoN’s hEAd oN A pLAte.
MAY: Okay. That's trickier but the idea has a certain appeal and I’m sure…
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister! No!
MAY: Goddamnit.
GOVE: ThEn I mUSt decLINE.
MAY: Okay. At least he agreed to stop actively plotting against me.
LIDINGTON: Until he finishes Goat Simulator, at least.
MAY: Who’s coming over next?
LIDINGTON: Penny Mordaunt.
MAY:
LIDINGTON: Development secretary.
MAY: Jesus Christ.
LIDINGTON: What?
MAY: Well it’s hardly a ‘Great Office of State’ is it?
MORDAUNT: If you want my continued loyalty then I have demands.
MAY: You know you’re just the Development secretary, right?
MORDAUNT: Sorry?
MAY: I mean... seriously.
MORDAUNT: I don’t appreciate your tone.
MAY: And I don’t appreciate…
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister...
MAY
MORDAUNT: I think it’s about time I got some respect.
MAY: You know that Gove is outside right? If I ask him he will literally flay your face off? Michael!
GOVE: HeLLo!
MORDAUNT: Keep that THING away from me!
GOVE: ThAT iS vErY HurTful.
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister...
MAY: God. Fine.
MAY: Okay, go.
MORDAUNT: A Free vote on the deal!
MAY: Fine.
MORDAUNT: And I want people to know that it was my idea.
MAY: Knock yourself out.
MORDAUNT: Also an item on my steam wishlist is on sale.
GOVE: iS It GoAt SImULAtor?
MORDAUNT: Oh my God! You’ve played it?!
GOVE: It’S sO GoOD.
LIDINGTON: David Davis is on the radio now.
MAY: Of course he is.
LIDINGTON: He says he would have run the negotiations differently.
MAY: Did he remind everyone that he was in charge of those negotiations for TWO YEARS?
LIDINGTON: No.
MAY: Funny that.
LIDINGTON: Also Gove is all over the papers again saying he’s still thinking of quitting.
MAY: That eldritch little shit. I bought him Goat Simulator!
LIDINGTON: To be fair, it’s not that long a game.
MAY: Am I literally the only person in Cabinet not playing this?!
LIDINGTON: Sounds like it.
LIDINGTON: Are you not on Ken Clarke’s Discord? It’s been all over that. He’s been streaming it.
MAY: I left. I got tired of his endless Fortnite memes.
LIDINGTON: By the way, Whittingdale just put his letter in.
MAY: Oh COME ON.
MAY: Okay. It’s time for us to go on the offensive and… what’s that?
LIDINGTON: Nothing.
MAY: Are you writing a letter?! Et tu Tory?! Give it!
LIDINGTON: No! I…
MAY: Oh David.
LIDINGTON: I just...
MAY: This is really sweet. But they’re not going to give me a Blue Peter badge.
MAY: So I’m controlling the goat?
CLARKE: Yes! Goat Simulator! Forward is W. Try to do as much damage as you can.
MAY: Why?
CLARKE: Just because.
MAY: It’s so senseless.
CLARKE: But fun for the goat!
MAY: I guess but… oh FUCK OFF Ken. I see what you’re doing here.
CLARKE: Who me?
MAY
LIDINGTON: Always has been, always will be. Never play him at Fortnite.
GOVE
MAY: Is that a new skin?
LIDINGTON: He says it gives off less static in the wet.
LEADSOM: I convene this secret meeting to discuss having a secret meeting about the backstop. Questions?
GRAYLING: Andrea is there pizza?
LEADSOM: No. Anyone else?
GRAYLING: I have another question.
LEADSON: There will not be pizza at the next one either.
GRAYLING: Boo.
MORDAUNT: I have a question. Is Gove still onboard with this?
LEADSOM: I believe so. I can feel his presence in my mind.
GOVE
GRAYLING: Ooh! Miss! another question!
LEADSOM: Yes Chris?
GRAYLING: Have we DEFINITELY ruled out Pizza?
LEADSOM: Okay so to confirm, we will meet up this weekend.
GOVE: bUT nOT oN SuNDay as i’M aT RaMBliNG cLUb.
LEADSOM: There WILL be pizza.
GRAYLING: GET IN!
LEADSOM: To secretly discuss the backstop.
MORDAUNT: Last question, are we inviting Liam Fox?
LEADSOM: Do we have to?
GOVE: hE CrEEps mE OuT.
The Brexit Tapes: From the Referendum to the Second Dark Age
John Bull
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Brextorians had long suspected that at the time of the Brexit negotiations, a series of audio recordings were made by and of government officials. In the year 3563, their suspicions were confirmed with the discovery of the first cache of tapes: conversations in the halls of Westminster and in private residences, secretly recorded in direct contravention of privacy laws.
In The Brexit Tapes, the transcripts of these recordings are published for the very first time. Compiled by leading Brextorian John Bull, they offer a remarkable insight into the lost years from the Referendum to the Second Dark Age, and a clear picture of the events leading up to the civil war that followed.
Directly challenging the accounts of Brexit provided in The Book of Mogg and Lord Johnson’s Res Brexitica, these transcripts are our first concrete record of history as it happened and, for the modern reader, a way to finally understand one of the most tumultuous periods of British history.
THE BREXIT TAPES
**Confidential Historical Document. Released to remaining public after expiration of the One-Hundred-and-Thirty-Year Act.**
Transcript covers 15th — 16th November 2018 and the time of Great Resignation.
LIDINGTON: First minister’s gone. It’s Shailesh.
MAY: Who?
LIDINGTON: Shailesh Vara.
MAY: David, I was up until 4am pretending to give a shit about Corbyn’s recipe for raspberry jam. My brain is broken. I have not yet had coffee. Who is that?
LIDINGTON: Damn. I was hoping you knew.
LIDINGTON: Okay. Shailesh. According to Wikipedia he’s from Cambridgeshire.
MAY: Hmmm.
LIDINGTON: Black belt in Tai Kwondo. No scandal section.
MAY: Nice. You sure he’s one of ours?
LIDINGTON: ‘Implemented devastating cuts to legal aid.’
MAY: Oh right. Yeah. Definitely one of ours.
LIDINGTON: There goes Raab.
MAY: Dom?! The little fucking traitor.
LIDINGTON: Yup. Here’s his letter.
MAY: ‘I Have resigned so I can spend more time with an atlas.’
LIDINGTON: Yes. That part was a bit weird.
MAY: Who’s next? Grayling?
LIDINGTON: Maybe. Although Grayling will…
MAY: Careful! Remember the curse. Say it three times and he appears.
LIDINGTON: Sorry. Then Leadsom next I think. Failing that…
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I SAID FAILING!
GRAYLING: That works too!
GRAYLING: What are we talking about?
MAY: Go away Chris.
GRAYLING: Is it Brexit?
LIDINGTON: Go away Chris.
GRAYLING: Esther gave me a letter to give you.
MAY: Shit.
GRAYLING: Also are you going to Michael Gove’s pizza party later?
LIDINGTON: Shit.
GRAYLING: It’s a secret one! Shhhh!
LIDINGTON: Suella Bravernann has gone now.
MAY: Okay, seriously you made that name up.
LIDINGTON: I didn’t!
MAY: Who’s next? Willie Dustice?
LIDINGTON: She’s real! I swear!
MAY: Sure. Has Dwigt Rortugal gone yet?
LIDINGTON: Look! She’s on Wikipedia!
MAY: That’s not a valid source, David.
GREGGS LADY: Hello duck! We’ve not seen you in a while!
ED MILIBAND: I’ve been… away.
GREGGS LADY: Well it’s nice to see you again. What can I get you?
MILIBAND: Bacon butty please.
GREGGS: LADY: You want ketchup in that?
MILIBAND: Drown it.
MAY
GOVE:
MAY: How you do think I know?
GRAYLING: Hello!
GOVE:
MAY: I propose an alternative: Become My Brexit Minister.
GOVE:
MAY: Think about it Michael this could be your chance to prove everyone wrong.
GOVE:
MAY: Brexit Secretary. They’d HAVE to admire you.
GOVE:
MAY: They’d have to love you then, Michael. The people, they’d have to respect you.
GOVE:
JAYAWARDENA: Prime Minister…
MAY: The lasagna please. And what’s the dessert of the day?
JAYAWARDENA: No, Prime Minister it’s me.
MAY:
JAYAWARDENA: Ranil Jayawardena? PPS at Justice?
MAY: Still no.
JAYAWARDENA: I hearby resi…
MAY: Meh. Join the queue. I’m on lunch.
REES-MOGG: Fair maiden! Where is the Vellum? I must write to the 1922 Committee!
TILL LADY: Paper? Over there.
REES-MOGG: Vellum, sweet child! Vellum! One does not use paper for the ‘22!
TILL LADY: Is that like Post-its then? They're over there.
REES-MOGG: Vellum!
TILL LADY: Sir there’s a queue.
LIDINGTON: Rees-Mogg’s letter is in.
MAY: Tedious little shit.
LIDINGTON: Anything from Gove?
MAY: I feel terror and an overwhelming urge to vomit, so maybe his human form approaches.
LIDINGTON: Oh sorry, that's my fault. I forgot to mute Sky and Rees-Mogg’s live.
MAY: Okay, yes, the feeling has passed.
LIDINGTON: Leadsom’s up in the house. Says she’s not resigning.
MAY: Fucksake, can’t one thing go my way today?
LIDINGTON: Is that not… a good thing?
MAY: Think about it David. This means we STILL have to invite her to Cabinet Meetings.
LIDINGTON: Rumours about Chris now. Shall I…
MAY: Grayling Grayling Grayling
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: I was going to call him.
MAY: The curse is quicker. Chris have you been speaking to Gove again?
GRAYLING: Um… No?
MAY: You’re covered in ichor, Chris
GRAYLING: Okay yes.
MAY: What did Gove say to you?
GRAYLING: He sang a song, straight into my brain. Like sugar, sorrow and power intertwined. Through it all, one world resolved: ‘resign’.
MAY: Oh Jesus. Gove got to you.
GRAYLING: Also he gave me pizza.
MAY:
GRAYLING: It was Hawaiian.
MAY: Sweet mercy.
GRAYLING: I think this means I have to resign.
LIDINGTON: Chris, you’re a valuable member of the team and...
GRAYLING: That’s very nice of you to say so David, but I feel very strongly about this. I hereby...
MAY: You’re NOT resigning Chris. You don’t want to.
GRAYLING: Oh. Okay miss. Sorry.
MAY
GOVE:
MAY: Sorry? Is that yes or no?
GOVE:
MAY: Michael, this would be a lot easier if you assumed human form for a few minutes.
GOVE:
MAY: Yes I know it’s your day off, but still.
LIDINGTON: Okay. Press conference booked for five.
MAY: Cheers.
LIDINGTON: What are you going to say?
MAY: Honestly? I really don’t know. I just thought... YOLO
LIDINGTON: You could do the little dance again?
MAY: Really, David?
LIDINGTON: Oh come on! How could it POSSIBLY make things any worse?!
LIDINGTON: Okay, thinking out of the box... you could go full George-from-Seinfeld-after-he-quit?
MAY: So turn up, don’t mention Brexit, pretend the whole referendum never happened?
LIDINGTON: Yes, and hope everyone is so embarrassed they all pretend the same.
MAY: I mean, it’s pretty tempting…
LIDINGTON: Rehman Chishti has quit now.
MAY: Who ARE all these people?!
LIDINGTON: I have no idea.
MAY: I need to start reading stuff before I sign it.
LIDINGTON: Wait… ‘Trade Envoy’ apparently.
MAY: I mean, what even IS that?!
LIDINGTON: Are Trade Envoys the ones who go helicopter golfing with Prince Andrew?
MAY: No, that’s Cultural Ambassadors.
LIDINGTON: Oh yes.
MAY: Hang on, are they the ones we send to the hot, humid countries we hate?
LIDINGTON: No, that’s Liam Fox.
MAY: Ha! Oh yeah.
MAY: All I’m saying, Donald, is you’re being VERY unhelpful here.
TUSK: Me? All I said was ‘no brexit’ is an option. It was just a little comment.
MAY: And that’s… wait, are you LAUGHING.
TUSK: *stiffles giggles* no.
MAY: You are!
TUSK: I’m not!
MAY: Donald! I swear… hello?!
TUSK
MACRON: Let me answer next time! We’ll make her think she dialed the wrong number
TUSK: No, it is mean!
MACRON: Okay, but let me make another public comment about a European Army.
TUSK: LOL! Okay go on then.
LIDINGTON: Okay, show time. What are you doing again?
MAY: Still no idea.
LIDINGTON: Just think, ‘what would David Cameron do’?
MAY: ...And then do the opposite. Yes I know. Actually… do you think announcing his arrest and execution would help?
LIDINGTON:
MAY: Just thinking out loud.
MAY: How did I do?
LIDINGTON: You didn’t really say anything.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: I mean, it was pretty much a rehash of the same stuff as this morning.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: Basically, a damp squib.
MAY: Yup.
LIDINGTON: Top, top trolling.
MAY: Thanks!
MAY: Okay Michael
GOVE:
MAY: Yes, we’ll see you soon.
LIDINGTON: He’s coming over?
MAY: As soon as he’s got his skin on.
LIDINGTON: I’ll lock the cat away.
MAY: Thanks, and send down to the kitchen for some live mice.
GOVE: It iS GoOd tO SeE YOu AgaiN PriMe MINIsTeR. On MY DaY oFF.
MAY: Thanks for coming Michael
GOVE: It IS Of nO CoNSEqUencE.
MAY: You’re very kind.
GOVE: AlTHOugh TOday IS My DaY oFF.
MAY: Yes, I know, you already said.
GOVE: YoU wiLL PaY hoMAGE?
MAY: Sorry?
GOVE
MAY: Oh right! Sorry! David! The mice please.
GOVE
DAVID: My God.
GOVE: Do I HAve sOME on MY ChIN?
MAY: David don’t stare.
GOVE
MAY: Will you be Brexit Secretary?
GOVE: WEll iT iS a SUBJeCt I HaVE OPIniOns oN.
MAY: I know.
GOVE: AnD I hAVE aLWAys bEEn LoYal aND trUE to mY FriENDs.
LIDINGTON: Weeeell...
GOVE: OKaY, ApART fROM tHAt ONe TiME.
LIDINGTON: One?
GOVE: Or PErHAps tWIcE.
LIDINGTON: Try five.
MAY: Be nice, David.
GOVE: If i AM To SErvE tHEn I hAVe dEMAnDs.
MAY: Shoot.
GOVE: I wISh to ReNEgoTIaTe tHE TeRMs.
MAY: Okay. Tricky. But maybe.
GOVE: AnD A FRee VoTE iN ParlIAMent.
MAY: Keep talking.
GOVE: alSO aN IteM oN mY STeaM wISHList is ON SAle.
LIDINGTON: More mice?
GOVE: ThANk YoU.
MAY: Okay we can work with this.
GOVE: AnD OnE FiNAL DemAND. I reQUIre BoRIS JohNSoN’s hEAd oN A pLAte.
MAY: Okay. That's trickier but the idea has a certain appeal and I’m sure…
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister! No!
MAY: Goddamnit.
GOVE: ThEn I mUSt decLINE.
MAY: Okay. At least he agreed to stop actively plotting against me.
LIDINGTON: Until he finishes Goat Simulator, at least.
MAY: Who’s coming over next?
LIDINGTON: Penny Mordaunt.
MAY:
LIDINGTON: Development secretary.
MAY: Jesus Christ.
LIDINGTON: What?
MAY: Well it’s hardly a ‘Great Office of State’ is it?
MORDAUNT: If you want my continued loyalty then I have demands.
MAY: You know you’re just the Development secretary, right?
MORDAUNT: Sorry?
MAY: I mean... seriously.
MORDAUNT: I don’t appreciate your tone.
MAY: And I don’t appreciate…
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister...
MAY
MORDAUNT: I think it’s about time I got some respect.
MAY: You know that Gove is outside right? If I ask him he will literally flay your face off? Michael!
GOVE: HeLLo!
MORDAUNT: Keep that THING away from me!
GOVE: ThAT iS vErY HurTful.
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister...
MAY: God. Fine.
MAY: Okay, go.
MORDAUNT: A Free vote on the deal!
MAY: Fine.
MORDAUNT: And I want people to know that it was my idea.
MAY: Knock yourself out.
MORDAUNT: Also an item on my steam wishlist is on sale.
GOVE: iS It GoAt SImULAtor?
MORDAUNT: Oh my God! You’ve played it?!
GOVE: It’S sO GoOD.
LIDINGTON: David Davis is on the radio now.
MAY: Of course he is.
LIDINGTON: He says he would have run the negotiations differently.
MAY: Did he remind everyone that he was in charge of those negotiations for TWO YEARS?
LIDINGTON: No.
MAY: Funny that.
LIDINGTON: Also Gove is all over the papers again saying he’s still thinking of quitting.
MAY: That eldritch little shit. I bought him Goat Simulator!
LIDINGTON: To be fair, it’s not that long a game.
MAY: Am I literally the only person in Cabinet not playing this?!
LIDINGTON: Sounds like it.
LIDINGTON: Are you not on Ken Clarke’s Discord? It’s been all over that. He’s been streaming it.
MAY: I left. I got tired of his endless Fortnite memes.
LIDINGTON: By the way, Whittingdale just put his letter in.
MAY: Oh COME ON.
MAY: Okay. It’s time for us to go on the offensive and… what’s that?
LIDINGTON: Nothing.
MAY: Are you writing a letter?! Et tu Tory?! Give it!
LIDINGTON: No! I…
MAY: Oh David.
LIDINGTON: I just...
MAY: This is really sweet. But they’re not going to give me a Blue Peter badge.
MAY: So I’m controlling the goat?
CLARKE: Yes! Goat Simulator! Forward is W. Try to do as much damage as you can.
MAY: Why?
CLARKE: Just because.
MAY: It’s so senseless.
CLARKE: But fun for the goat!
MAY: I guess but… oh FUCK OFF Ken. I see what you’re doing here.
CLARKE: Who me?
MAY
LIDINGTON: Always has been, always will be. Never play him at Fortnite.
GOVE
MAY: Is that a new skin?
LIDINGTON: He says it gives off less static in the wet.
LEADSOM: I convene this secret meeting to discuss having a secret meeting about the backstop. Questions?
GRAYLING: Andrea is there pizza?
LEADSOM: No. Anyone else?
GRAYLING: I have another question.
LEADSON: There will not be pizza at the next one either.
GRAYLING: Boo.
MORDAUNT: I have a question. Is Gove still onboard with this?
LEADSOM: I believe so. I can feel his presence in my mind.
GOVE
GRAYLING: Ooh! Miss! another question!
LEADSOM: Yes Chris?
GRAYLING: Have we DEFINITELY ruled out Pizza?
LEADSOM: Okay so to confirm, we will meet up this weekend.
GOVE: bUT nOT oN SuNDay as i’M aT RaMBliNG cLUb.
LEADSOM: There WILL be pizza.
GRAYLING: GET IN!
LEADSOM: To secretly discuss the backstop.
MORDAUNT: Last question, are we inviting Liam Fox?
LEADSOM: Do we have to?
GOVE: hE CrEEps mE OuT.
