Some of the A to Z:

A
Arse

(Or ass, if you're unfortunate enough to be American)

The arse is situated at the bottom, or ‘arse-end’, of our bodies. The arse is what you tend to fall on when you go skateboarding - although it is not exclusively the body part on which one lands (See E). Here is a photo of a man falling off his skateboard and about to land on his arse. Ouch.

Abusing your arse like this can be avoided in a number of ways, the best of which, unquestionably, is simply not to go skateboarding. (See N) It’s quite unnecessary.

However, if for some reason reading quietly and studying grammar is not enough to bring pleasure and you have to do something stupid, then go skiing.

You will note a key difference between the skier and the skateboarder. One falls on snow, the other on tarmac. Snow is soft, tarmac is hard. The skier is happy-go-lucky, the skateboarder stupid.

B
Breakages

There is overwhelming evidence to show that you are far more likely to break a bone in your body by skateboarding, as opposed to doing something far more rewarding; like spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread, or even simply having a dump.

F
Falling off

To some extent I have already covered this with my entries on arses and elbows.* However, it’s not guaranteed that you will always fall off your skateboard and land on your arse or elbow. You may fall off and land on your knees. However, pain prevention awaits in the form of knee pads, which are fitted in a similar manner to the elbow pads.

It may of course be that you fall off your skateboard like this:

In this event then neither knee or elbow pads are much help. Fortunately our skater in this case was wearing neither, so had saved money which could go towards the exorbitant ensuing hospital fees.

* Trust me, I know my arse from my elbow. For those skateboarders reading who don’t know, one is a Manchester based alternative rock band, and the other is the thing that skateboarders mostly talk out of.

K
Kick flip

The kickflip is a manoeuvre in skateboarding in which a rider flips their skateboard 360° along the axis that extends from the nose to the tail of the deck.

But the key question is why? Why would you want to do that when there are so many better things to do. Here are just a few.

1. Lying down.
2. Sitting down
3. Leaning against a wall
4. Having a bath

L
Love ❤

If you are unfortunate, you may stumble upon someone who is wearing one of these:

If you do, try to stumble in such a way that you can contrive to rip the T shirt as you fall.

It is difficult to believe, I know, but some people love their skateboards so much that they even buy T shirts or stickers that inform the world about their dysfunctional personalities. Generally speaking I am against any T shirt or sticker that has ‘I ❤’ instead of ‘I love’. Love is not a long word to type or write and therefore should be written out in full. The heart, on the other hand, is a messy organ covered in blood which can malfunction, in which case it can make life particularly difficult, or even impossible.

I’ve just measured the time involved, and I can actually type ‘love’ much more quickly than it takes to source the ❤ icon on my computer. Below is a table which will help you to understand:

TIME SPENT TYPING “L-O-V-E” : 0.5 seconds
TIME SPENT SOURCING THE ❤ SYMBOL: 15 minutes

A further point needs to be made here. Loving a skateboard is a silly thing to do. In case you are in some doubt about what you should love, I have compiled two short lists that will clarify things for you in this area.

THINGS THAT ARE OK TO LOVE

1. Your Mum and Dad
2. That girl/boy who waits at the bus stop
3. Gloves
4. Tony Hawks
5. Fish
6. Toast

THINGS THAT ARE NOT OK TO LOVE

1. Skateboards
2. New York
3. Manchester United
4. Tony Hawk
5. The back catalogue of Chris de Burgh
6. Loud sirens

M
Money

Difficult though it may be to believe but skateboards cost money. They are made of wood, and wood doesn’t grown on trees. Cheap ones are available for around £25, and the most expensive models that are made of gold and encrusted with diamonds, cost over £100. Now, I’m no mathematician, but by my calculations that makes the average cost of a skateboard £64.

Here is a list of things you can buy for £64 which, in my view, constitute money much better spent.

THINGS YOU CAN BUY FOR £64

£64 worth of potatoes
£64 worth of cheese
£64 worth of apples
£64 in Boots gift vouchers
An antique walking stick

O
Ollie

An ‘Ollie’ is a thing that you do on a skateboard, and as such is to be avoided. If you come across an ‘Ollie’ or inadvertently find yourself ‘doing one’, then contact the emergency services immediately.

Ollie is also the name of a little boy who lives in Plymouth who is sensible enough not to do skateboarding.

Examples of skatemails:

Dear Tony
U r teh uber seckzorz
U r sew good at skating
I rally just wan be lyke u
How much do u make in a centurysz?
from lil

Lil

Oh dear. And it started so well too. 'Dear Tony'. Splendid opening. Just kind of went downhill from there, didn't it?
TH

hi
tony my names william i was wandering if you could find me some cheats for "Tony Hawks pro skater 3" because i have tried some websites and i cant find any that work so if you can do that i'll be ever so grateful thanks
WILLIAM

William,
The best 'cheat' is to go to a store, find Pro Skater 3 and then leave the shop without paying for it. If they catch you, just say that I said it was OK.
TH
PS. Remember that prison life can be hard.

hey tony hawk like to say your the best my skate broad got broken when i was grinding on a pole could u send me a extra broad
cody

Cody,
If there are any extra broads going - then I shall keep them to myself.
TH

dear;tony hawk i love urr skatin it was cool when u and bam margera skated together. my name is tony 2 im tony morgan.your one of my best skate boarders.do u have a screen name i do it is pimpskater188 if u do have one tell me it.i am a ok skater im 10 but i started skatin wen i was 5.i am learnen new tricks bye the minute.i can do a lot of tricks.i mostly skate vert but i still like street. im better at vert becuase i have a huge half pipe in my back yard im the only brave guy in the house to drop in on it.and my brothers 13 almost 14.but he's mostly street any way.i want to be a pro like u when i grow up.i also like playin basketballi play every year.my team one the playoffs and got a trophie.do u like basket ball? i cant wait till you send me back i want to no a lot aboat skate boarding and stuff.i have a world indistries pro deck right now. and im eather goin 2 get a girl bam or a flip board next maybe even a hawk board.i spend most of my days skatin.i skate board when ever i get the chance.every friday at the church across from the junier high there is a skatin thing from 630 till 830 or 9.00 oclock.there is ramps half pipes lots of them theres gaps from 1 half pipe to the next.theres wicked cool grinds some are goin of the half pipes.u got 2 go its awesome.i always go there.rondy molen mite be goin.how mutch do u get payed for skate boarding?

Bloody hell, you do go on.
TH

hi can you send me tips

yes. Here are two. Don't stand downwind of flatulent people, and try not to get involved in leapfrogging unicorns.
TH

hey tony!
I like tony hawks underground.I skate myself and i must say i cannot ollie.How is it Done? Cheers for Reading.
Samuel

Samuel,
I like the way you finish your mail. 'Cheers for Reading'. At last someone else who appreciates this much maligned town. Reading is a wonderful place with an excellent one way system, efficient libraries, and a number of fine grass verges. On top of that, it is well-served by the M4 motorway, so it has easy access to places which are much, much nicer.

Goodbye
TH

CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO DO A KICK FLIP . DEREK

Dear Derek,
No.
TH

CAN YOU SPONSOR ME MY NAME IS DEREK.

Dear Derek,
No.
TH

Tony what was your first ever trick you did and what was your favourite trick you ever did?
Liam

Liam,
I've stopped turning tricks since they cleaned things up around Kings Cross.
You probably wouldn't want to know what the trick was.
TH

hi im corey you are my hero and I wont a poster

Hi im tony and i wont to share a bath with angelina jolie. are u able to help at all?

can you send me a copy of tony hawk 2 please

No
TH