Does the world make you anxious? Bewildered? Confused? Well, here’s the perfect remedy. Welcome to Earth. The indispensable new work of fiction by Miles Gibson. An imaginary encyclopaedia and bedside companion. Your essential guide book for life.
Welcome to Earth can be read as a fantastic reference work, a volume of speculative non-fiction, a book of lists, a bestiary, a taxonomy, a private lexicon, an alternative world. It’s a loose collection of flash fictions, a game, an alternative interpretation, a simple entertainment, a book of jokes. It’s a literary entertainment disguised as an illustrated encyclopaedia.
The first part of the guide is a fanciful book of numbers, explaining the world in numerical order. From the First People and the Two Kinds of Biscuit to the Four Kinds of Household Stain, Six Ways to Commit Gluttony, Seven Grades of Snuff, Nine Foreskins of Jesus, Ten Cardinal Fears and Twelve Signs of the Zodiac.
The second part of the guide is a book of curious and doubtful facts - including a Bestiary of interesting animals, a Taxonomy and Anatomy; plus lots of helpful advice on rules of conduct and etiquette.
So that’s your Welcome. Welcome to Earth. A full description of the world and how to behave when you find yourself in it. Written in plain English, beautifully bound and fully illustrated in living colour. Did we mention the bounteous illustrations?
Welcome to Earth by Miles Gibson is a book to treasure, a book you’ll turn to again and again. But hurry, don’t miss out on this extraordinary once-in-a- lifetime opportunity to acquire the collectors first edition. And with those rare and fascinating perks for pledges how can you resist? You know you want one!
Extracts from The Book of Numbers:
The Earth is a small blue planet in a solar system governed by a yellow dwarf star. The Earth appears diminished from the surface of its moon, shrinks to the size of a sequin seen from the mountains of Mars, and beyond the shores of Neptune the Earth makes no impression at all.
1. Those most often eaten in anger, including the brazen Ginger Nut and the gaudy Brandy Snap, also the grumbling Garibaldi, the sinister Bourbon, the gritted Fig Roll, the anaemic Arrowroot and Petit Beurre; the Viennese Whirl and recalcitrant Wafer.
2. Those eaten more in sorrow, most especially the ominous Custard Cream and Raspberry Shortcake, the malevolent Malted Milk, the spiked Iced Gem and the cindery Oreo, also the pimpled Lincoln, the ghostly Peek Frean Marie and bumbling Petit Ecolier.
One: Those who can levitate Two: Those who raise their skirts and dance before a mirror Three: Those who dream of the circus
The First Strength: Called the Slight or Passing. Symptoms include yawning, sighing, flushing, fidgeting and foreboding.
The Second Strength: Called the Bumper or Grinder. Symptoms include sobbing, shrieking, palpitations, blurred vision, vertigo.
The Third Strength: Called the Cruel Vice, Iron Fist or Crippler. Symptoms may include hallucinations, demonic possessions, levitating, talking in tongues.
The Fourth Strength: Called the Widow-Maker or Night Butcher. Symptoms include manifestation of ectoplasm, insidious flatulence, spontaneous combustion, patricide in women, lactation in men.
Harry Halibut of Short & Curlies cancels his pledge for the Author’s crowdfunded masterpiece ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ and complains bitterly to the publishers. “They should have explained! I thought I was buying ‘Welcome to Scurf - the Illustrated Barbers Bible’ he grumbled.
Dermont Dexter, three times world champion bodyboarder, makes a pledge for ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ on the recommendation of friends, only to cancel his order a few days later. ‘I don’t hear so good,’ he explained. ‘I got this water in my ears. I thought they’d said ‘Welcome to Surf’
Brenda Draylon suddenly withdraws her pledge for ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ after discovering she has mistaken the title for the popular self-help book ‘Welcome to Girth - the fast track diet for gals who need to gain those cuddly extra pounds!’
An uncomfortable few days after popular author Chester Conklin demands that ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ is withdrawn from crowdfunding, accusing the Author of plagiarising his own best-seller ‘Welcome to Earth & Mud Wraps’ - the alternative remedy blockbuster extolling the virtues of a whole earth diet and presently riding high in the New York Times Bestseller List. Meanwhile…
Major Chumleigh-Blighter, Master of Hounds, threatens to horsewhip the Author after having made a substantial pledge for the new book ‘Welcome to Earth’ and discovering, too late, that it’s ‘an imaginary encyclopaedia’ and not the story of a comical fox family living in the woods of Rutland.
After the Author has published the list of perks for pledges to his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ Kaylee and Morris Butcher want to know how much they must pledge for a swinging threesome weekend with the Author in a local Travel Lodge. When he explains that he can’t oblige, they ask him if he knows anyone else who’ll do it for the money.
Be brave. And you could have one of the Ten Cardinal Fears or Six Inscrutable Diseases named in honour of someone special. It’s quick and easy. And you won’t feel a thing. But imagine how thrilled they’ll be when they discover you’ve made their name glorious in the pages of ‘Welcome to Earth - the imaginary encyclopaedia’ Check those perks for pledges!
Ooops! While attending an Unbound group crowdfunding event to promote his own book “Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopedia’ the Author is obliged to phone for an ambulance after witnessing romantic novelist Winifred Badger leap from the stage in a failed attempt at crowd surfing.y
Mrs Bunny Pilchard, president-for-life of the British Psychics Writing and Drawing Circle abruptly withdraws her pledge for the Author’s crowdfunded ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia ’ after discovering that the book isn’t a true account of the dearly departed returning to Earth from the astral plane, but a work of fiction. “Well, it’s quite wrong,” she grumbled. “He’s just the sort…
The Ten Cardinal Fears - No.3 Aphenphosmphobia. Another page from the indispensable encyclopaedia Welcome to Earth. Required reading for residents.
During another attempt to promote his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia' the Author is presented to the ten-year-old wunderkind Macaulay Binge. After the phenomenal success of his BBC TV shows ‘Finger Food for the Over Forties’ and ‘Simple Snacks for Seniors’ Macaulay wrote a series of best-selling cookery books, a blockbuster novel, two volumes of poetry and a food column for…
A new illustration for The Six Most Inscrutable Diseases from ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ You’ll be enchanted to learn that for a trifling consideration you can now have a disease named in your honour. Yes, it’s true! Imagine the pride you’ll feel when one of the world’s most peculiar complaints officially bears YOUR name! Will it be Giant Budgerigar Madness or Alien Hand Syndrome…
As part of the campaign to promote his new book, ‘Welcome to Earth’- an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ the Author is invited to meet five-year-old celebrity author, singer, songwriter, tap dancer, UN goodwill ambassador, fund-raiser and award-winning interior designer, Britney Woggle. Her Booker Prize nominated first novel "Woggle World" has been the biggest sensation since the twelve-year-old giant of…
After launching the crowdfunding for his new book “Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ the Author is accused of plagiarism by Cyril Sprout whose own book ‘Welcome to Earth - the Complete Guide to Garden Spadework ’ was first published in 1957. After a heated argument Cyril agrees to settle out of court if the Author buys him a new caravan.
Hurrah! ‘Welcome to Earth’ is now 20% funded. I think that calls for a small celebration. And heartfelt thanks to everyone with enough of the pioneering spirit to make early pledges on the book.
After their early enthusiasm for the Author’s crowd-funding project to publish his imaginary encyclopaedia ‘Welcome to Earth’, angry Australian matriarchs Sheila and Marigold Minger demand to have their pledge money returned, discovering that they haven't invested in a travel guide called ‘Welcome to Perth’ Angry Marigold grumbled, ‘We thought he was a local bloke. But he’s just another bleeding…
Sheridan Dingle withdraws his pledge in support of the Author’s new crowd-funded book ‘Welcome to Earth’ when he discovers that it’s not a Science Fiction saga about hostile visitors from another galaxy. ‘Bleedin’ cheek!’ he complained, from the flight deck in his bungalow bedroom. ‘How d’you expect to be taken seriously when you can’t even get the name right!’
The Author’s first attempt to raise readers’ support for his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ gets a mixed reception at the Scrotum & Foresters Working Mens Club. “Not your fault, pal. They usually get a stripper on a Thursdays” the management explains.
These people are helping to fund Welcome to Earth.