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Look! It’s an imaginary encyclopaedia, illustrated reference book and delightful bedside companion

Does the world make you anxious? Bewildered? Confused? Well, here’s the perfect remedy. Welcome to Earth. The indispensable new work of fiction by Miles Gibson. An imaginary encyclopaedia and bedside companion. Your essential guide book for life.

Welcome to Earth can be read as a fantastic reference work, a volume of speculative non-fiction, a book of lists, a bestiary, a taxonomy, a private lexicon, an alternative world. It’s a loose collection of flash fictions, a game, an alternative interpretation, a simple entertainment, a book of jokes. It’s a literary entertainment disguised as an illustrated encyclopaedia.

The first part of the guide is a fanciful book of numbers, explaining the world in numerical order. From the First People and the Two Kinds of Biscuit to the Four Kinds of Household Stain, Six Ways to Commit Gluttony, Seven Grades of Snuff, Nine Foreskins of Jesus, Ten Cardinal Fears and Twelve Signs of the Zodiac.

The second part of the guide is a book of curious and doubtful facts - including a Bestiary of interesting animals, a Taxonomy and Anatomy; plus lots of helpful advice on rules of conduct and etiquette.

So that’s your Welcome. Welcome to Earth. A full description of the world and how to behave when you find yourself in it. Written in plain English, beautifully bound and fully illustrated in living colour. Did we mention the bounteous illustrations?

Welcome to Earth by Miles Gibson is a book to treasure, a book you’ll turn to again and again. But hurry, don’t miss out on this extraordinary once-in-a- lifetime opportunity to acquire the collectors first edition. And with those rare and fascinating perks for pledges how can you resist? You know you want one!

Miles Gibson is a writer and artist. He is the author of two poetry collections, eight novels, several children's books and dramas for radio. His novel “Kingdom Swann” was adapted for television as “Gentlemen’s Relish” starring Billy Connolly, Sarah Lancashire and Douglas Henshall. His work defies categories but the darkly satirical writing has most often been described as magic realism or absurdist fiction. A rich vein of mischief runs through his work. He is the author of whom Ray Bradbury once said, “He happens not to be my son, but I wish he were”.

Extracts from The Book of Numbers:

First Impressions

The Earth is a small blue planet in a solar system governed by a yellow dwarf star. The Earth appears diminished from the surface of its moon, shrinks to the size of a sequin seen from the mountains of Mars, and beyond the shores of Neptune the Earth makes no impression at all.

The Two Kinds of Biscuit

1. Those most often eaten in anger, including the brazen Ginger Nut and the gaudy Brandy Snap, also the grumbling Garibaldi, the sinister Bourbon, the gritted Fig Roll, the anaemic Arrowroot and Petit Beurre; the Viennese Whirl and recalcitrant Wafer.

2. Those eaten more in sorrow, most especially the ominous Custard Cream and Raspberry Shortcake, the malevolent Malted Milk, the spiked Iced Gem and the cindery Oreo, also the pimpled Lincoln, the ghostly Peek Frean Marie and bumbling Petit Ecolier.

The Three Kinds of Pope

One: Those who can levitate
Two: Those who raise their skirts and dance before a mirror
Three: Those who dream of the circus

The Four Severities of Remorse

The First Strength: Called the Slight or Passing. Symptoms include yawning, sighing, flushing, fidgeting and foreboding.

The Second Strength: Called the Bumper or Grinder. Symptoms include sobbing, shrieking, palpitations, blurred vision, vertigo.

The Third Strength: Called the Cruel Vice, Iron Fist or Crippler. Symptoms may include hallucinations, demonic possessions, levitating, talking in tongues.

The Fourth Strength: Called the Widow-Maker or Night Butcher. Symptoms include manifestation of ectoplasm, insidious flatulence, spontaneous combustion, patricide in women, lactation in men.


He was Left Scratching his Head

Thursday, 2 March 2017

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Harry Halibut of Short & Curlies cancels his pledge for the Author’s crowdfunded masterpiece ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ and complains bitterly to the publishers. “They should have explained! I thought I was buying ‘Welcome to Scurf - the Illustrated Barbers Bible’ he grumbled.  

He Has Water on the Brain

Monday, 6 February 2017


Dermont Dexter, three times world champion bodyboarder, makes a pledge for ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ on the recommendation of friends, only to cancel his order a few days later.  ‘I don’t hear so good,’ he explained. ‘I got this water in my ears. I thought they’d said ‘Welcome to Surf’

The Author Lost the Weight

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Brenda Draylon suddenly withdraws her pledge for ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ after discovering she has mistaken the title for the popular self-help book ‘Welcome to Girth - the fast track diet for gals who need to gain those cuddly extra pounds!’

He Told Him To Eat Dirt

Sunday, 15 January 2017

An uncomfortable few days after popular author Chester Conklin demands that ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ is withdrawn from crowdfunding, accusing the Author of plagiarising his own best-seller ‘Welcome to Earth & Mud Wraps’ - the alternative remedy blockbuster extolling the virtues of a whole earth diet and presently riding high in the New York Times Bestseller List.  Meanwhile…

Release the Hounds!

Monday, 5 December 2016


Major Chumleigh-Blighter, Master of Hounds, threatens to horsewhip the Author after having made a substantial pledge for the new book ‘Welcome to Earth’ and discovering, too late, that it’s ‘an imaginary encyclopaedia’ and not the story of a comical fox family living in the woods of Rutland. 

Fatal Distraction

Friday, 21 October 2016

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After the Author has published the list of perks for pledges to his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ Kaylee and Morris Butcher want to know how much they must pledge for a swinging threesome weekend with the Author in a local Travel Lodge. When he explains that he can’t oblige, they ask him if he knows anyone else who’ll do it for the money.  


Now this won't hurt a bit!

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

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Be brave. And you could have one of the Ten Cardinal Fears  or Six Inscrutable Diseases named in honour of someone special. It’s quick and easy. And you won’t feel a thing.  But imagine how thrilled they’ll be when they discover you’ve made their name glorious in the pages of ‘Welcome to Earth - the imaginary encyclopaedia’  Check those perks for pledges!

She Took a Dive

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

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Ooops! While attending an Unbound group crowdfunding event to promote his own book “Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopedia’ the Author is obliged to phone for an ambulance after witnessing romantic novelist Winifred Badger leap from the stage in a failed attempt at crowd surfing.y


She had a Message from the Spirit World.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

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Mrs Bunny Pilchard, president-for-life of the British Psychics Writing and Drawing Circle abruptly withdraws her pledge for the Author’s crowdfunded ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia ’ after discovering that the book isn’t a true account of the dearly departed returning to Earth from the astral plane, but a work of fiction.  “Well, it’s quite wrong,” she grumbled. “He’s just the sort…

Embarrassing Moments.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016


The Ten Cardinal Fears - No.3 Aphenphosmphobia.  Another page from the indispensable encyclopaedia Welcome to Earth.  Required reading for residents.  


He Simply Lost His Appetite.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

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During another attempt to promote his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia' the Author is presented to the ten-year-old wunderkind Macaulay Binge. After the phenomenal success of his BBC TV shows ‘Finger Food for the Over Forties’ and ‘Simple Snacks for Seniors’ Macaulay wrote a series of best-selling cookery books, a blockbuster novel, two volumes of poetry and a food column for…

Work in Progress

Monday, 5 September 2016

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A new illustration for The Six Most Inscrutable Diseases from ‘Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ You’ll be enchanted to learn that for a trifling consideration you can now have a disease named in your honour. Yes, it’s true! Imagine the pride you’ll feel when one of the world’s most peculiar complaints officially bears YOUR name! Will it be Giant Budgerigar Madness or Alien Hand Syndrome…

Milk & Biscuits with the Rich & Famous

Sunday, 28 August 2016

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As part of the campaign to promote his new book, ‘Welcome to Earth’- an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ the Author is invited to meet five-year-old celebrity author, singer, songwriter, tap dancer, UN goodwill ambassador, fund-raiser and award-winning interior designer, Britney Woggle. Her Booker Prize nominated first novel "Woggle World" has been the biggest sensation since the twelve-year-old giant of…

Home to Roost

Sunday, 21 August 2016

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After launching the crowdfunding for his new book “Welcome to Earth - an imaginary encyclopaedia’ the Author is accused of plagiarism by Cyril Sprout whose own book ‘Welcome to Earth - the Complete Guide to Garden Spadework ’ was first published in 1957.  After a heated argument Cyril agrees to settle out of court if the Author buys him a new caravan.


Setting the world alight.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Maxfield parrish the lantern bearers 1908

Hurrah! ‘Welcome to Earth’ is now 20% funded. I think that calls for a small celebration.  And heartfelt thanks to everyone with enough of the pioneering spirit to make early pledges on the book.  


Lost in Translation

Saturday, 13 August 2016

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After their early enthusiasm for the Author’s crowd-funding project to publish his imaginary encyclopaedia ‘Welcome to Earth’, angry Australian matriarchs Sheila and Marigold Minger demand to have their pledge money returned, discovering that they haven't invested in a travel guide called  ‘Welcome to Perth’  Angry Marigold grumbled, ‘We thought he was a local bloke. But he’s just another bleeding…

Captain's Log

Saturday, 6 August 2016

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Sheridan Dingle withdraws his pledge in support of the Author’s new crowd-funded book ‘Welcome to Earth’ when he discovers that it’s not a Science Fiction saga about hostile visitors from another galaxy.  ‘Bleedin’ cheek!’ he complained, from the flight deck in his bungalow bedroom.  ‘How d’you expect to be taken seriously when you can’t even get the name right!’

He Barely Made an Impression

Sunday, 31 July 2016

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The Author’s first attempt to raise readers’ support for his new book ‘Welcome to Earth - an Imaginary Encyclopaedia’ gets a mixed reception at the Scrotum & Foresters Working Mens Club. “Not your fault, pal. They usually get a stripper on a Thursdays” the management explains.

Welcome - Welcome to Earth!

Monday, 25 July 2016

Doffing hat

O Best Beloved, you're among the first supporters of the encyclopaedia, and so most precious. I hope we'll have fun on this grand adventure.



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