Video Games That Saved My Life
By Octavius King
A memoir and self-help book chronicling a struggle through depression while holding a gamepad
Tuesday, 20 December 2022
Thank you for your support
Hello everyone, and welcome to this long overdue update on the status of this book. Please be aware, this post comes with a HUGE trigger warning.
This book was funded in the early months of this year, and it has taken me this long to write any manner of update. Of course, this isn't acceptable; but I am chained down by mental illness. I have to be honest with you - this is far harder than I was expecting. I do have every intention of writing this, but in the time since I first pitched the idea, there has been considerable upset in my mental health status.
Video games were one of the things which dragged me through my childhood. As a victim of a sexual assault before I was ten years old, they presented a world in which to escape. To be honest, there is a lot of sadness and trauma attached to each game I played as a child. As such, this book is far harder to write than I ever expected it to be. I knew it was going to be tough, but good Glob not like this.
You likely know of me from my YouTube channel, which has its own trauma bond. It was created after I lost my job due to an attempted abduction and sexual assault. The channel was a laugh, a silly hobby in which I attempted to express the femininity that had been stolen from me. It was never meant to become my job, but it did; an online persona that I've changed and sculpted over the years.
Unfortunately being female-presenting online comes with its considerable risks, and the nature of the abuse I have received - which goes far, far deeper than comments about my breasts - coupled with my silence about my trauma experiences did lead me an attempt at the end of last year.
This book was going to be some heartwarming, fun story of recovery through video games. It isn't that anymore. I am not recovered. I never will be recovered. This book has become a very dark and honest piece of work which I am nervous to release to the wild.
After my attempt, I was emergency referred to a number of mental health services. Twenty-five years of CPTSD exploded out of my body. For the first time in my life, I have been addressing it all year. I've undergone intensive therapy and have still barely scratched the surface.
How can I explain to you through the pages of a book exactly how at age 12, a particular part of Final Fantasy VII gave me the first urge to harm myself? And how can I do that in a way that's readable, charming, and doesn't sound like I'm attention-seeking? How on earth can I express the utter darkness that video games kept me company within, without having you all bored and depressed after the first chapter?
I truly do not wish to disappoint you. But this is harder than I can express.
I am aiming to have the first draft done by January. I will update you soon.
Octy x
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Comments
Please take all the time you need. Your mental health comes 1st
posted 21st December 2022
I’m sure I speak for many of us when I say that there is no expectation of a certain timeline and would want you to be happy in the first instance with anything you write from the heart, if nothing else it feels good to support the idea and intention, maybe it’s also part of a cathartic approach to healing, All the best DarkerFirestar!
posted 21st December 2022
Sending all the love in your direction! Your mental health and wellbeing is the first priority. I certainly had no timeline in mind, I'd wait ten years if necessary. <3
posted 21st December 2022
Every great book should leave both the author and the readers satisfied. As you say, not every story has a happy ending but perhaps some demons are exised purely by confronting them in word form.
Take your time, we backed your book, your story and would rather have a book that reflects the side of you that you wish to portray - the best you. We all invested our time and money in you, not in cardboard and paper, whether it is this year, next year or whenever.
One thing I don’t like about crowd funded projects is that people feel entitled and aggressive and write things online that no-one would ever say to someone’s face. You may get a few people noisily dropping out (I hope I’m wrong) but know that the remaining 99% of us want to read your narrative and if that’s cathartic for your own challenges then it’s a job done fantastically. Be well!
posted 21st December 2022
I'd echo everyone here but I would also say, you have the huge advantage that the people who are in the preorder for this are the people for whom you do not have to be "Charming" and would not think you were attention seeking. We've already pledged the attention.
A great number of them do indeed know you from other ventures and are aware of those portion of the story you have already chosen to express. At least for those who have come in via Unbound you are among friends.
posted 21st December 2022
Firstly, on how long it has taken you to produce this status update - I like to think that all or at least most of us who are supporting this project went into with an understanding that because of how things are for you this sort of thing is fairly likely to happen, and wouldn't want you to feel any pressure (while also knowing that there's probably no way we can stop you from giving yourself a hard time about it).
Personally I wouldn't be disappointed even if the book never happened - I supported this because I like your content and I like you and I wanted to support a project you wanted to do and which I felt you would do well. I hope that it's still something you want to do rather than something you just feel you have to do because you've made a commitment to do so.
I believe that you will end up with a very good book, whenever it is and whatever tone it takes.
As for your concerns about the book's likely darkness - it might not be exactly what people expected when they signed up, but these things happen in life. You COULD try and put in more lighter stuff for balance, but perhaps there would be particular value in letting it be what it wants to be - your perspective may be different in a few years time when you're further along your therapy journey, so perhaps a snapshot of your perspective right now when things are more raw would have particular value.
You are a great communicator and I know you have it in you to make the right choices - I'm sorry that you have the burden of doubts and insecurities about things like sounding like you're attention-seeking, but I believe that you can overcome them (in the sense of writing the book in spite of them, not in the sense of making them go away).
Perhaps it would help to think of this book as being aimed at people who have already got your back? You could always write another book with more mainstream appeal some time in the future.
posted 21st December 2022
You have our support, take all the time you need, the last thing this needs to be is something that is causing you serious mental difficulties. I have loved your videos since I found your channel a few years ago, your quick wit and sense of humour give my bad days a great uplift (I wish there was a way I could do the same for you).
It's important for you to give the time to yourself, to try and work on your own personal journey, balls to everyone else. Take care, and look forward to seeing you back when you're ready.
posted 21st December 2022
So sad to hear you struggling through all this. I've followed your youtube channel for ages and I see your genius and talent. You are a force of nature and I'm sure everyone here is rooting for you to work things out x
posted 21st December 2022
Honestly, take however long you need, Octy. I know what it's like though, having people there who've paid to support you and the guilt that comes with having not yet produced what they're paying for. It's all well and good us saying we're supporting you, not the content, but I know the feeling is still going to be there. I look forward to whatever you produce, however long it might take x
posted 21st December 2022
I can't express enough to the idea of that which has already been said. If it takes a hundred years and I have to here the story directly from you after we've all lived happy lives once we passed over the rainbow bridge, let the book take two hundred. I'm sure we'll all be ready to hear it over the craziest game of Mario Kart 4k.
posted 21st December 2022
Take your time. Look forward to reading it.
posted 21st December 2022
We support this project, but more accurately/importantly we support you. Take all the time you need. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to relive past trauma in writing it, and I originally thought that it was going to be a heartwarming book too, but if it turned into something else along the way that makes sense. Whatever it ends up being, and whenever it comes out, and even if for some reason it doesn't come out, I'm okay with that. But please take care of yourself as much as you can. If you need to take breaks or put it down for a while that's okay.
posted 21st December 2022
First off, please take your time, your health is the most important thing. Having suffered from depression and other mental health issues for a very long time (like I assume many other backers have) I hope that you can heal as much as possible and it’s great that you’re taking the right steps.
Healing is hard and the work you have to put into it is painful and sucks, especially as absolutely none of it is your fault.
For me I can say that creators like you and many others have been very helpful in overcoming my depression—maybe I’m still here because all the amazing stuff you’re so excited about is just infectious.
Thank you! ❤️
posted 21st December 2022
Take all the time you need, you, your health and your mental health are much more important.
posted 21st December 2022
It's all good. Take as long as you need. I'm not here to read a story, I'm here to read your story. You and your content have been massive helps to me in my own journey with mental health, and I thank you for that. <3
posted 21st December 2022
your honesty is more important than anything.
yes i would like the book, but no i dont care if it takes 6 months, 6 years or more. Take as long as you need.
from your comments it appears that even setting sail on this project may have been what you needed to be able to reach the point where you could at least start to release 25 years of bottled up and restrained responses, emotions and needs.
you do you.
you do what you need to do, to be you.
take your time.
we will wait.
If supporting this book meant that you could be honest and let out all of this stuff to the point where you can start addressing it, then i am not remotely bothered if no book materialises.
your health is more important, and if what we see is anything of what you are going through you have our full and complete support and patience.
we're here to support this project of a book, but more importantly, we are here to support you.
<3
posted 21st December 2022
Disappointing is the last thing it will be Sarah , please don’t push yourself too hard in the process , take your time x
posted 21st December 2022
Take all the time you need. Everyone here understands, no need to put pressure on yourself! ♥️
posted 21st December 2022
Take as much time as you want or need. If the writing process helps and it never sees the light of day, it's been worth it to me to just support it. Now Gannon, he's got no excuse... :o)
posted 21st December 2022
Again echoing the response of take as much time as you need and take care of yourself first. I'm happy to hear that your therapy is doing good for you, and my heart aches for you each time I learn of trauma you've suffered. Be strong, be true to yourself, and let the book get completed on your terms. In the meantime my pledge will remain committed to you and I will also continue to support you on Patreon!
posted 21st December 2022