Tuesday, 20 December 2022
Thank you for your support
Hello everyone, and welcome to this long overdue update on the status of this book. Please be aware, this post comes with a HUGE trigger warning.
This book was funded in the early months of this year, and it has taken me this long to write any manner of update. Of course, this isn't acceptable; but I am chained down by mental illness. I have to be honest with you - this is far harder than I was expecting. I do have every intention of writing this, but in the time since I first pitched the idea, there has been considerable upset in my mental health status.
Video games were one of the things which dragged me through my childhood. As a victim of a sexual assault before I was ten years old, they presented a world in which to escape. To be honest, there is a lot of sadness and trauma attached to each game I played as a child. As such, this book is far harder to write than I ever expected it to be. I knew it was going to be tough, but good Glob not like this.
You likely know of me from my YouTube channel, which has its own trauma bond. It was created after I lost my job due to an attempted abduction and sexual assault. The channel was a laugh, a silly hobby in which I attempted to express the femininity that had been stolen from me. It was never meant to become my job, but it did; an online persona that I've changed and sculpted over the years.
Unfortunately being female-presenting online comes with its considerable risks, and the nature of the abuse I have received - which goes far, far deeper than comments about my breasts - coupled with my silence about my trauma experiences did lead me an attempt at the end of last year.
This book was going to be some heartwarming, fun story of recovery through video games. It isn't that anymore. I am not recovered. I never will be recovered. This book has become a very dark and honest piece of work which I am nervous to release to the wild.
After my attempt, I was emergency referred to a number of mental health services. Twenty-five years of CPTSD exploded out of my body. For the first time in my life, I have been addressing it all year. I've undergone intensive therapy and have still barely scratched the surface.
How can I explain to you through the pages of a book exactly how at age 12, a particular part of Final Fantasy VII gave me the first urge to harm myself? And how can I do that in a way that's readable, charming, and doesn't sound like I'm attention-seeking? How on earth can I express the utter darkness that video games kept me company within, without having you all bored and depressed after the first chapter?
I truly do not wish to disappoint you. But this is harder than I can express.
I am aiming to have the first draft done by January. I will update you soon.
- Signed book
- Your name in the back of the book