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The Jam released ‘In The City’ in May 1977. At that time, no-one was happy in Britain, particularly not in my house. I was fourteen and my life consisted of school, watching Arsenal play terrible football and listening to my parents’ marriage disintegrating. I was simultaneously bored, irritated and massively angry. In the real world, there was terrible food, awful clothes, racism, football violence, inner-city riots, police corruption, high levels of unemployment and terrorism (partially abetted by my father, as you’ll discover). The country was divided. Some people tried to cheer themselves up by having street parties to celebrate the Queen’s Silver Jubilee. The Sex Pistols took a boat down the Thames and sang about a fascist regime and how the Queen wasn’t a human being.

I first saw The Jam at the Music Machine in London in 1978. Late that evening the lights went down, a silver-haired man who turned out to be Paul Weller’s dad walked onto the stage and in a forty Marlboro a day voice said “Please welcome the best fucking band in the land, the Jam.”

The boys walked out to a huge roar and launched into ‘It’s Too Bad’. The noise was insane. I was ten feet away from the stage. It was the most exciting moment of my life. For the next ninety minutes, they played a blistering set of some of the best pop tunes ever written. I knew every word of every song. I still do.

For the next five years, I was obsessed. I took weekend jobs so that I could go to gigs. I had adventures. I tried to bunk into the Hammersmith Odeon and ended up on the roof. I was on the point of being thrown out of a hotel in Brighton when Paul Weller intervened and invited me and my mates back into the bar. I went to see them in Paris and somehow found myself being interviewed for the Melody Maker. I went to Bracknell for the first time in my life.

In 1982, Paul Weller announced that the band were splitting up. I was devastated. I’m just about over it now. There will never be another band like the Jam. For those of us who went on that five year journey with them, the love ran deep. It still does. They helped me and thousands of others like me to grow up. They helped me to be someone. This book is in part a thank you to them.

Hello. I’m Ian Stone. I’m a stand-up comedian, broadcaster and podcaster. I grew up in Harlesden and West Hendon in London (lucky me) and it wasn’t what you’d call a carefree childhood. In 1977, when I was fourteen years old, I heard the Jam for the first time. It opened my eyes to a world outside of mine. I’m truly grateful.

I’ve been a stand-up comedian since 1991 and I’ve been all over the world, talking nonsense. I love it although I’ve seen a lot of airports, train stations and motorway services. I flew to New Zealand and back with two children under five. Because of me, a portable toilet seat has circumnavigated the globe. I’ve been to Afghanistan to entertain the troops and they are tough gigs. The Taliban do not laugh easily at quirky Jewish humour.

I spent six of the happiest years of my life presenting a radio show on Absolute with Ian Wright. And at the same time, I’ve been part of The Tuesday Club podcast with Alan Davies, a semi-regular event where Arsenal fans who’ve known each other a long time get together to complain about the team. The worse that the team plays, the funnier we seem to get. So as you can imagine, lately, it’s been hilarious.

The Eton Rifles

Paul Weller wrote Eton Rifles in 1979, probably around the time that Margaret Thatcher became Prime Minister. It tells the story of some working class lads who get beaten up by boys from Eton. What chance have you got against a tie and a crest?

David Cameron once claimed that it was one of his favourites. “I was one, in the corps. It meant a lot, some of those early Jam albums we used to listen to,” he once said. “I don’t see why the left should be the only ones allowed to listen to protest songs.” Perfectly fair point I suppose, except when you’re exactly the sort of person the song is protesting about.

Asked about it, Weller said that Cameron couldn’t have been listening to the song and more pointedly “it wasn’t intended as a fucking jolly drinking song for the cadet Corp.” Personally, I think it’s entirely possible that David Cameron liked the song because of the fact that the boys from Eton gave those working class oiks a jolly good thrashing. Not really the mood that Weller was trying to Convey, but once art is out in the public domain it’s not the artist’s property anymore.

We were living in West Hendon in North West London at the time and, unsurprisingly, I never encountered anyone rich or privileged. People had money and privilege so that they didn’t have to go to places like West Hendon.

My family and friends were solidly working class with a smattering of aspirational or actual middle class and while I could see that some of their parents were better off than others (and all of them were better off than mine), I didn’t differentiate. None of them sounded vastly different to me. I certainly never mixed with the landed gentry. They might as well have been on the moon. I knew there were posh people. I’d seen them on the black and white war films my dad used to watch and also on University Challenge answering questions on music and books I’d never heard of. But I didn’t resent them, I just thought they’d paid attention at school. I hadn’t realised they were oppressing me in any way.

My parents knew their place and never showed the slightest inclination to educate me in the basics of inequality. It wouldn’t have occurred to them that things were unequal. The education system that they’d been through had been designed to tell them just enough to keep them from hurting themselves but not much more.

Even if my parents had wanted to fight the power, they wouldn’t have known where to start. Plus they’d have had to stop fighting each other for a couple of hours.

Our house was not one where intellectual thought was encouraged. The TV was always on. There were almost no books. My mother read the odd novel by Jean Plaidy, but I wasn’t going to pick up any ideas about political theory from them. The only other things my mother read were The Readers Digest and Woman’s Realm. Or if that wasn’t available, Woman’s Own. I once popped round to the corner shop to get one of the magazines and both of them had sold out so I bought a Woman’s Weekly instead. She was genuinely disappointed even though it appeared to me to be exactly the same as the other two but with the stories and knitting patterns in a subtly different order.

My father read Titbits, a sort of adult comic, The Sun (see Titbits) and The Sunday People (see The Sun). The only things I ever read were the Skinhead and Suedehead books by Richard Allen and the thousands of football programmes that were kept in a cupboard in my room. That was it for reading for the Stone family. If there was a copy of Das Kapital lying around the house, I never saw it.

That being said, I wasn’t completely ignorant of the fact that for the majority of people, Britain wasn’t a pleasant place to live in 1979. Things didn’t really work, the infrastructure was frayed at the edges, and there was a lot of underlying prejudice. Plus we were just about to elect Margaret Thatcher as our Prime Minister, a sure sign of a country ill at ease with itself. I’d seen the prejudice up close. For a couple of years around that time, on a Sunday morning, myself and my friend Robert had worked for two Jewish brothers called Stanley and Ronnie Ginsberg. They had a shop called Manmaster on Petticoat Lane in East London.

The shop used to sell Marks and Spencer clothes that had a slight fault and had been rejected. There were cotton/polyester trousers for seven pounds a pair in either beige or brown. Personally, I would’ve rejected them for that reason alone.

The shops entire stock must have been worth ten grand at the most but after repeated robberies, Ronnie installed an alarm system that cost twice that amount. The robbers would’ve been better off nicking that.

Stanley and Ronnie were the first people I’d ever met who were politically active. They hated the National Front, and with good reason. Ronnie was more religious than Stanley and used to wear a skull cap and a prayer shawl where the tassels used to hang over his trousers. NF skinheads would abuse him as they wandered past and it fascinated me to see him take them on.

I remember one thug stopping outside the shop. “Oy Jewboy” he said and then started making the noise of gas escaping. Ronnie was in the middle of serving a customer and I guess that the thug, in his twisted ideology, had calculated that the Jewish man – while not pleased about the anti-semitic abuse coming his way – may not have wanted to lose the sale. But the red mist had descended and Ronnie lunged towards him. The thug, with a slightly surprised look on his stupid face, ran for his life. The customer and me stood there watching them disappear down the road for a short while. Then I asked if he wanted to buy the pair of trousers he was holding. It took him a while to regain his composure and then he nodded. I think he thought it was probably the least he could do, but I’m fairly certain he would have shopped elsewhere from that point onwards.



Monday, 4 December 2017

Hello everyone. This is my first update. I figured that as I’ve just hit my target, I should thank the people who have pledged their support. I know you know this but this book only gets written because of you. It’s very much appreciated.

For the people still wondering whether to pledge or not, I know I would say this but now is as good a time as any.

As for what happens from here, I’m about halfway…

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