Tea for Two
Tour for Two
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Two years have passed since the tragic events that took place in A Murder To Die For and the little village of Nasely has returned to cosy normality. But strange things are going on in nearby Black Dog Wood. There are rumours that it’s become a popular dogging spot, and there have been alleged sightings of a mythical werewolf-like monster. And then someone discovers a blindfolded skeleton, bizarrely buried standing up ...
Events take a further turn for the macabre when the secretary of a prestigious girl’s boarding school is found murdered and all of the evidence points to the local MP as the culprit. His only chance to avoid prosecution for a crime that he claims he didn’t commit is to hire ex-homicide detective Frank Shunter to uncover who the real murderer is.
Meanwhile, the identity of the blindfolded skeleton may reveal a startling truth about the fate of murder-mystery writer Agnes Crabbe’s long lost novel, Wallowing In The Mire …
You can read The Diabolical Club as a sequel or as a stand-alone novel but, once again, Stevyn Colgan promises to take us back to South Herewardshire for a comedy murder-mystery that skips merrily along the fine line between farce and tragedy.
What people said about A Murder to Die For:
‘Stevyn Colgan bestrides the territory of English rural comedy, one foot on the throat of Joanna Trollope, the other knocking the bonnet of Miss Marple off her silver head. Divine black village comedy.’ – Stephen Fry
'Only the British can mix humour and homicide so charmingly. The perfect tonic if you need a pick-me-up. Just add gin.' – Sandi Toksvig
Stevyn Colgan is an author, artist, former police officer and oddly spelled Cornishman. He is the author of eight books and a popular speaker at UK and international events such as TED, QEDcon, Nudgestock, the Ig Nobel Prizes, Latitude, the Hay Festival of Literature and the Arts, the Edinburgh Fringe and many more. He has appeared on numerous podcasts and radio shows including Freakonomics, Saturday Live, Do The Right Thing, Ex Libris, No Such Thing As A Fish, Little Atoms and Josie Long’s Short Cuts. For more than a decade he was one of the ‘elves’ that research and write the multi award-winning TV series QI and he was part of the writing team that won the Rose D’Or for BBC Radio 4’s The Museum of Curiosity. He now lives a feral existence foraging for food in woodlands around the Buckinghamshire/Oxfordshire border and wishing that he hadn’t eaten all those missing ramblers.
‘And lastly, so that we may remind ourselves that the dead reside not in the grave but in the hearts and minds of the living, I’d like you all to take a few minutes to reflect upon your fondest memories of our dear departed Hugh while we play a piece of music that I’m told he was particularly fond of.’
The vicar of St Probyn’s, the Reverend Dudley Tirbett, nodded in the direction of the verger who rose unsteadily to his feet, shuffled his way to a table and pressed the play button on a portable CD player. As heavy urban beats rattled the chandeliers and rapper Earl Grey T explained how his homies were ‘strapping up to fight for their flow’ in Downtown LA, the vicar turned to his aged colleague and invited an explanation.
‘I’m so sorry,’ whispered the verger. ‘I borrowed the player from young Harvey at the café. I must have forgotten to change the CD.’
Sitting among the congregation, newly-widowed Gladys Brockhole maintained a dignified, if dismayed, silence while her three middle-aged daughters struggled to contain themselves. Emotions ranged from grief to embarrassment to the urge to laugh out loud and their eyes streamed and their noses ran; a situation made all the worse by the fact that none of their husbands had remembered to bring a handkerchief or a box of tissues as they’d been instructed to do. Consequently, all they had was a single paper napkin that one of them had found in the bottom of her handbag. As it passed from sister to sister and back again, it began to take on all of the unpleasant physical properties of raw egg white.
‘I thought they were going to play ‘Our Last Song Together’,’ growled Len Youlden, sitting several pews behind the grieving Brockholes and holding his hands over his enormous hairy ears. ‘This isn't Neil Sedaka. It isn’t even music.’
‘Oh I don’t know. It has a good beat,’ said Gerry Waxleigh, tapping his toe.
‘I can’t listen to this,’ said Youlden. ‘I’m going down the pub.’
‘You can’t. You’re a pallbearer.’
‘Oh bloody bugger.’
Following the service, the family and friends of Hugh Donelan Brockhole gathered at the graveside to say their final farewells. Someone had thought to bring along a tablet so that his sister and family in Australia could be part of his send-off by way of a video-sharing app. However, the wifi signal had proven to be almost non-existent so they had been offered a commentary by mobile phone instead. Gladys Brockhole still hadn’t quite recovered from her late husband’s occasionally X-rated rap tribute and didn’t feel up to it, and nor did any of her dishevelled daughters or their chastised and apologetic husbands. It was therefore left to Mr Wyngarde, the octogenarian verger, to provide a blow-by-blow account of the committal.
As the Reverend Tirbett began his final blessing, the weather seemed to sense the mood and heavy grey clouds pregnant with rain gathered over the churchyard to mope.
‘In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Hugh, and we commit his body to the ground …’
‘They’re lowering him in now,’ shouted the verger into the phone at a volume he considered necessary for speaking to people half a world away.
‘Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust …’
‘Oh dear. I’ve dropped my umbrella. Hang on …’
‘The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious to him …’
‘It’s fallen on top of the casket. I’ll just reach over and …’
‘The Lord lift up his countenance upon him and … good grief. What are you doing down there, Mr Wyngarde?’
Barry Chetwynd had intended to be at the funeral service. Hugh Brockhole hadn’t been a friend as such but he had been a regular customer, with a particular penchant for offal, and it had seemed only right to pay his respects to say thank you for all the kidneys. However, his plans had been disrupted by the fact that his shop in Sacker Street had been vandalised overnight. The words, ‘Nando’s is the neo‑opiate of the masses’, had been spray-painted across the display window in large purple letters. He was frowning at it, his beefy arms folded in annoyance, when Charlie Barnfather, dressed in a dark suit and black tie, appeared at his side.
‘I say. That’s a nuisance,’ he said.
‘What does it even mean?’ said Chetwynd. ‘In my youth, the graffiti at least made some kind of sense. ‘Clapton is God. Eat the rich. M. Kahn is Bent. That sort of thing.’
‘Beats me,’ said Barnfather. He scratched at the large white sideburns that didn’t quite cover his pock-marked cheeks.
‘Sorry I missed the funeral,’ said Chetwynd. ‘How did it go?’
‘The verger fell into the grave during the committal.’
‘He’s so doddery these days. Remember when he fell in the canal when they scattered Henry Gawkrodger’s ashes?’
‘I do,' said the butcher. 'Poor old sod. They should have used a bigger boat. Good turnout this morning?’
‘Not bad. Oh, I have some news for you from Sid Munsun. He told me that there was another sighting up at Black Dog Wood on Friday night.’
‘The Shaggy Beast?’
‘Supposedly. He said that young Jessica Tremblett came into the mini-market on Saturday morning and told him that she’d seen a big hairy thing in the woods.’
‘I imagine that young Jessie has seen a great many big hairy things in the woods,’ said Chetwynd, scoffing lewdly. ‘She’s a bit of a sport from what I hear.’
‘I try not to listen to gossip and nor should you.’
‘So what else did Sid say?’
‘You’d best speak to him if you want more details,’ said Barnfather. ‘Or young Jessie. I’m just passing on the news.’
‘Thanks Charlie. I’ll do that. There’s definitely something in those woods.’
‘Psilocybin I expect,’ said Barnfather, tapping his nose. ‘Magic mushrooms. The fields are full of them this time of year. And you know what youngsters are like. I reckon Jessie and some beau of hers scoffed a handful, went into the woods for a bit of how’s-yer-father, probably heard a couple of amorous foxes and her imagination did the rest. They make a hell of a noise when mating.’
‘So does Jessie Tremblett, I bet.’
Charlie Barnfather waved an admonishing finger and crossed the road to his chemist’s shop. Barry Chetwynd looked once again at his defaced window and shook his head.
‘Little bastards,’ he growled.
‘Best funeral I’ve been to in a while,’ said Gerry Waxleigh. ‘It’s gone straight in at Number Three in my Top Ten.’
‘Remember when Old Wyngarde fell out of that boat?’ chuckled Len Youlden.
‘I do indeed,’ said Waxleigh smiling. ‘That’s Number Two. Our verger is certainly going for gold.’
The two old friends were enjoying a post-funeral drink in the saloon bar of the curiously-named Happy Onion, Nasely’s only pub. Both men were in their late sixties; Waxleigh was tall and gaunt, the result of a lifetime of hard work on the farm. A floss of frizzy grey hair covered him everywhere except for the crown of his head. Youlden was shorter and paunchier and sported a cruel scar that ploughed a furrow across his lower lip and badly-shaven chin. He whistled as he spoke due to a missing incisor and was already three sheets to the wind, having a very low tolerance for liquor.
‘You have a Top Ten of funerals?’ asked the landlord. ‘That’s not right.’
‘Why not?’ said Waxleigh. ‘Most send-offs are completely unmemorable. A good one is worth celebrating, surely?’
‘So what’s Number One then?’
‘Has to be the Cheesemans,’ said Waxleigh. ‘That was a corker.’
‘Was that the one where the marquee came down in high winds and everyone got trapped inside?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘Three people were hospitalised, Gerry.’
‘Ah, memories,’ said Waxleigh, with a nostalgic smile.
‘Here, Vic,’ slurred Youlden. ‘Did you see? Some bloody bugger has painted a cock and balls on the side wall of Gladys Brockhole’s cottage.’
‘I know,’ said the landlord. ‘It popped up overnight.’
‘Ah, those were the days,’ said Waxleigh. ‘Things pop up with depressing irregularity now, sadly.’
‘A foot long it is, I reckon,’ said Youlden. ‘It’s a disgrace.’
‘Poor old Gladys,’ said Vic. ‘Must have been a shock.’
‘I’ll say. Hugh used to tell her he was hung like a stallion,’ said Waxleigh. ‘She probably doesn’t know that they come bigger than a Chantenay carrot.’
Len Youlden choked on his beer.
‘Have some respect, Gerry,’ said Vic. ‘You just buried the man.’
‘Ah, he’d have laughed along with us,’ said Waxleigh. ‘He had a rare sense of humour, did Hugh. Knew every dirty joke in the book, and a few more besides. If he’d been at his own funeral he’d have pissed himself. I know I did. And so did old Miss Shelmerdine. Again. She needs to see Dr Meissen about that. Anyhow, here’s to Hugh.’
‘To Hugh,’ said Youlden.
The two men clinked their glasses together and looked expectantly at Vic, who lifted the empty glass he was wiping dry in symbolic solidarity.
‘To Hugh,’ he said as the two old friends downed the last of their pints. ‘Two more?’
‘Go on then’, said Waxleigh.
‘It wasn’t just Gladys Brockhole’s side wall that got vandalised,’ said Vic as he pulled their pints. ‘The little sods did the butcher’s window too. Barry reckons it's animal rights protesters.’
‘Young Colin Cheeseman and those scruffy herberts who are always waving placards outside the abattoir?’
‘Could be. Didn’t understand a bloody word of what they wrote, mind. Something about opium I think.’
‘Bloody yobbos,’ growled Youlden. ‘How do they expect to have bacon sandwiches without killing pigs?’
‘I don’t think they’re the kind of people who eat bacon sandwiches, Len,’ said Waxleigh. ‘That’s the point they’re making; that none of us should be eating meat.’
‘They’ll have to pry my Sunday morning fry-up from my cold dead hands.’
‘With the amount of cholesterol you eat it’ll be sooner rather than later,’ said Waxleigh.
‘The thing is, I can understand protests at the abattoir. And at a butcher’s shop,’ said Vic. ‘But what have they got against Gladys Brockhole?’
‘Indeed. The last thing a newly widowed woman wants is a big cock on her side wall,’ said Waxleigh. ‘Ah, good morning Frank.’
Frank Shunter wiped his shoes on the doormat.
‘Good morning gents.’
‘Oh, hello stranger,’ said Vic.
‘Stranger? It’s only been a week.’
‘A week is a long time in this trade,’ said Vic. ‘Pubs are closing at a rate of six a day.’
‘Then I’ll do my bit to help. Pint of the IPA please. So, how was the funeral?’
‘Hilarious,’ said Waxleigh. ‘You’d have enjoyed it.’
‘I doubt that,’ said Shunter.
‘We were just talking about this sudden epidemic of graffiti in the village,’ said Vic, handing over Shunter’s pint.
‘Does writing pretentious twaddle on the butcher’s shop window constitute an epidemic?’
‘Have you not seen Gladys Brockhole’s cock and balls?’ asked Waxleigh.
‘No. But it sounds like I might need a drink before I do,’ said Shunter. He sipped at his ale. The froth caught in his neatly-clipped grey moustache and he sucked it away noisily.
‘Animal rights protesters we reckon,’ said Vic.
‘Bloody buggers,’ said Youlden.
‘It’s unlike them to be so brazen,’ said Shunter. ‘Perhaps they’re building up to something. Protesting at the public meeting tomorrow, perhaps?’
‘Waste of their time that’ll be. The pond is going to be drained. It’s a done deal,’ said Waxleigh, popping his tweed cap on his head. ‘Fancy a gasper, Len?’
The two men made their way outside to the beer garden and smoking area.
- 13th June 2019 Oh my ...
It's here boys and girls. And YOU, yes lovely fantastic YOU made it happen.
Watch those letterboxes over the next few weeks ...15th May 2019 Welcome to the Club!
All of you lovely subscribers may not realise it but you joined an exclusibve club last Sunday. The subscriber list was closed on the 12th so, if you subscribed before then, you can be smug in the knowedge that your name will be listed in THE DIABOLICAL CLUB as a patron. And membership to that particular club is now closed!
The book is now heading for the printers. Here's the final cover.…3rd May 2019 Time's Up! (nearly)
The final edit and proofread is complete.
The cover is looking gorgeous.
Cover quotes have come in from the likes of Matt Lucas, Alex Horne, Iain Pattison (writer of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue) and more.
And we're 110% funded.
THE DIABOLICAL CLUB is GO!
So, this is your LAST chance to pledge (if you haven't already) and get your hands on a paperback AND get your name listed in the…6th April 2019 Cover me up!
We have a cover!
(Ignore the quotes - they're from A Murder To Die For and only there as a placeholder. New cover quotes are incoming.)
Once again the cover is by the amazing Neil Gower and it mirrors the previous book's design.
While A Murder To Die For took place in May (hence the Spring/Summer colours), The Diabolical Club takes place in October so we've gone for an Autumnal/Winter…18th March 2019 Not long now!
Well, despite the publication date being shown on this site as 'TBC', I can reveal that the date you want is July 11th.
Yup, that's publication day (although you'll undoubtedly get your copies earlier)!
The final edit has been signed off - now there's only typesetting and proofreading to go. The cover is being painted by Neil Gower and I've seen the sketches for it; it'll look…23rd February 2019 February Update
A quick round up of what's going on in Diabolical Club land.
First of all, some particularly welcome news regarding the cover. It's being painted by Neil Gowar who did such an amazing job on the previous novel, A Murder To Die For. I can't say too much yet but it will compliment the first book beautifully. Neil is one of the UK's top cover artists and is, perhaps, best known…20th January 2019 Bonus!
As you lovely, lovely subscribers know (or do now), you'll all be getting a bonus e-book to say thank you for supporting The Diabolical Club. I felt that it was only right, as you've put your faith in me and the book (and you're paying more than the cover price will be in the shops), that you get something unique and not available elsewhere as a reward. So, today I can reveal exactly what that bonus…8th January 2019 Unbound - Leading the Comedy Charge
There's been some great news for authors and readers this past week. Book sales were up again in 2018 (and physical books were on the rise too). And it was a bumper year for independent bookshops with many new ones opening.
But, for those of us working in the humorous novel world, the news hasn't been quite so good. The Guardian's influential Books to read in 2019 list features just one novel described…26th December 2018 Happy Christmas!
I hope that you and yours have a merry, happy, oustanding Christmas and New Year.
Recorded over several days. Excuse the wandering key changes.6th December 2018 Teaser Trailer
I made another video while dog walking this week in the hope that I may entice a few more last minute pledges for The Diabolical Club. I've stressed the fact that, although the pledge levels are more expensive than the book will be in the shops (and discounted online), there are advantages to pledging.
Firstly there's your name printed in the book, forever immortalised as a patron (just think,…22nd November 2018 Thank you!17th November 2018 Wheels are finally turning ...
Hello m’lovely subscribers
I bring you news – some good, some maybe not so good. But there’s a happy ending. So bear with me.
Firstly, the good news. THE DIABOLICAL CLUB is being published! Yay! Whoop! Sound the carnyx and raise the alarums! You’ll see the funding total suddenly whoosh all the way up to 100% next week.
It means that you’ll get your book in about seven months’ time …10th October 2018 No news is no news
I do apologise for the lack of updates for a month but there's really been no news to share. Funding is still floundering and I'm waiting for a meeting with Unbound to discuss options for moving the book forward on a cheaper production plan. That said, it's been a good opportunity to revisit the manuscript and to do a final re-write - well, a little tweaking - while I have the luxury…7th September 2018 Season of change
Hello splendid supporters
August zoomed by didn't it? Heatwaves and holidays. I spent some of it in the Outer Hebrides, which was nice as it was cooler than down South while still sunny and warm. You can see some photos from the trip on my blog here, And it was fantastic to see A Murder To Die For nominated for two awards.
But now it's September, the kids are back at school, the tan is…30th July 2018 Then two come along at once ...
Blimey chums! Just as I'm getting over the excitement of making he shortlist for the DEAD GOOD READERS AWARDS 2018, I now discover that A MURDER TO DIE FOR - prequel to THE DIABOLICAL CLUB - has made the longlist for the GUARDIAN's NOT THE BOOKER Prize!
So now I have to ask for votes.
If you were a subscriber to 'Murder' (and I suspect that most of you were) then YOU made the book happen…22nd July 2018 Noble in Defeat
Ah well, A Murder To Die For didn't win at the Dead Good Readers Awards in Harrogate this year. But it was shortlisted and was a runner-up. And I'm happy to take that. It was pretty humbling to have been nominated in the first place for a first novel. And, to be honest, it would have been a minor miracle if I had won, considering the well-publicised and bestselling contenders that I was up against…7th July 2018 Murder She Wrote ... Badly
I'm a fan of Jessica Fletcher and I don't mind admitting it. I've seen every episode of Murder She Wrote several times (including the four TV movies) and I love it. It's cosy, silly nonsense. Pure entertainment.
The shows are constantly on repeat on TV and, just recently, one of the ITV channels has started showing the later series; you can tell that they're later because the opening titles feature…27th June 2018 Help make a book an award-winning book!
Hey you lovely Pledgemakers! I'm guessing that most of you are subscribed to THE DIABOLICAL CLUB because you read the prequel.
If so, then PLEASE consider voting for me in the Dead Good Readers' Awards. A MURDER TO DIE FOR is shortlisted in the brilliantly-named 'Cabot Cove Award for Best Small Town Mystery' and I'm up against some big hitters.
You made the book happen. Now you can make…11th June 2018 It's Prize Draw Time!
Okay people, time for a prize draw! The Diabolical Club is 52% funded and I want to get it closer to 100% and publication.
So, here's what I'm going to do ...
When the funding level reaches 75% I'll put the names of every pledger, existing or new, into a hat and let someone randomly draw out a winner. The winner will then choose from a range of prizes. Then I'll do the same again. And then…1st June 2018 It's Audiobook Release Day!
Yes indeedy! The audiobook of A Murder To Die For is released today and is available from Audible, Amazon, iTunes, ISIS Publishing and wherever audiobooks are sold. Over nine hours of Rula Lenska deliciousness, murder, mayhem and laughs! Enjoy!
And DO keep tweeting, posting, reviewing, and otherwise spreading the word about The Diabolical Club! The book is written and ready to go - all I need…17th May 2018 Listen up!
Hey lovely patron people! How do you fancy a sneaky listen to the first chapter of the audiobook of A Murder To Die For - prequel to THe Diabolical Club - as read by Rula Lenska? You do? Oh, go on then. Just click here.
It's on sale as a CD and download from1st June.
And, if we can get the sequel funded (50% of the way there!) it may well get the audiobook treatment too.
Exciting…6th May 2018 Another Festival ... Another Murder!
'The great crime fiction author, Agnes Crabbe, was born in Nasely in South Herewardshire on the eighth of May 1895. Which is why, on or around the date of her birth every year, hundreds of her most devoted fans descend upon the little village to enjoy a weekend of readings, competitions, screenings, dramatic re-enactments, historical tours and talks by Crabbe scholars and other eminent people. From…2nd May 2018 Putting you out of your Misery
Here's a short update about what's going on in the world of A Murder To Die For and The Diabolical Club.
Firstly, TDC is finished! It's been through a raft of re-writes and critical reads and it will, once funded, go through a further series of edits and proofreads, of course. But it's pretty much there and I'm very pleased with it. If you enjoyed AMTDF, I don't think you'll be disappointed…21st April 2018 STOP PRESS!
Sorry to bombard you lovely pledgers but A Murder To Die For has been nominated for an award and I need your votes!
Voting has begun for the 2018 Dead Good Readers' Awards and I'm in with a chance this year in the category of: The Cabot Cove Award for Small Town Mystery. So, if you enjoyed the book, please take a couple of minutes to vote. Oh, and feel free to vote in any other additional categories…17th April 2018 Look where a pledge can lead you!
I went over to Oxford today to the studios of ISIS publishing to meet the team and to say hello to the gorgeous Rula Lenska who has spent yesterday and today recording the audiobook of A Murder To Die For. It'll be out in June.
So let's get The Diabolical Club funded sooner rather than later because she wants to read that too!26th March 2018 Crawling Slowly
Not a lot to report - but here's the news that's fit to print :)
Since my last post on the 1st March, the book has only garnered an additional 4% and we're teetering on the brink of 40%. One more pledge should push us over. But there's still another 60% to go and, like all crowdfunders, I've been going through those dark nights of the soul and wondering whether The Diabolical…1st March 2018 World Book Day!
Happy World Book Day! Here's me as Paddington Bear.
Actually I look more like Jamiroquai's grandad.
The campaign to fund THE DIABOLICAL CLUB kicked off on the 11th January and hit the 33% mark - a whole third of the way there - about a month later. What a great start! But the pledges have stalled now and it's taken three weeks to crawl up to 35%. Which is a shame as, judging by the feedback…4th February 2018 F*rts and Photographers - Where do ideas come from?
'Where do you get your ideas?'
It's the question that all writers fear. And it's the question that's most difficult to answer.
Neil Gaiman used to say that he got his 'from the Idea-of-the-Month Club,’ or 'from a little ideas shop in Bognor Regis.’ Other writers have given glib replies claiming that there is a secret society who send you ideas once you've been published. The rather more…28th January 2018 Crikey!
What a difference three weeks makes, eh?
Thanks to you lovely people, we're 25% funded already. To provide some sort of comparison, A Murder To Die For took twice as long to reach the quarter mark. But we can't rest on our laurels - if we want the book to come out sooner rather than later, we need more supporters.
Tell your friends.
Promote it on social media.
And PLEASE leave reviews…12th January 2018 Hello there!
I suspect that, for most - if not all of you - this isn't the first time we've said hello. A Murder To Die For, the prequel to The Diabolical Club, isn't even in the shops until 25th January, so I imagine that most of you have pledged because you read the first book. And, presumably, liked it enough to come with me on this damnable crowdfunding roller-coaster all over again. Thank you.
These people are helping to fund The Diabolical Club.
Rhel ná DecVandé
An anonymous donor
Damon L. Wakes