Top 5 comedy supermarket fish

Monday, 12 March 2018

My dear, lovely, patient supporters,

It is more than a year since Backstreets reached full funding. I sincerely hope none of you have been holding your breath while you wait for the book to appear. The responsibility is hard enough without having asphyxiated subscribers on my conscience. In lieu of any particular news about progress (proofs are done, artwork is done, trade date July 12th as far as I know) I thought I'd share with you my top five comedy supermarket fish*.

Before I proceed, I should explain the strict criteria for inclusion in the list. Crucially, the name of the fish has to be intrinsically funny. However, to be included, the fish has to be an everyday supermarket fish. Lamprey may be one of the best fish words around but you don't see them very often at the Tesco's fish counter so, I'm afraid, it is barred. Also, appearence (alive or dead) is irrelevant for this particular contest (cod may look pretty glaikit but for comedy value it can't compete with the Donald Trump fish from Blue Planet so we won't even go there). 

Even for supermarket fish, though, there are exclusions. Fish that are used as insults or near insults, or that could be used as a double-entrendre, are automatically disqualified from taking part. Sadly, because of this, I had to disallow trout, pollock, sprat and chub.

Let's just take a quick look at a few that met the qualification criteria but didn't make the grade. Salmon, for example. Is it me, or is it just not funny? Herring doesn't quite make the cut either. Sturgeon is vaguely amusing the ugliness of the word detracts from its humour.

So, without further ado, in reverse order, my top five comedy supermarket fish are:

5. Mackerel

4. Halibut

3. Dab

2. Haddock

And the winner is


That's all.

Helen xx


*Clearly this has nothing whatsoever to do with The Backstreets of Purgatory


Photo by Gregor Moser on Unsplash

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Ewan Lawrie
Ewan Lawrie says:

My favourite is "pollock" -not always available outside the NE.

March 12, 2018

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Publication date: Summer 2018
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