Strange Days: A Book Of Curious Forgotten Lore

By GH Finn

A Book of Days celebrating the peculiar world of Twitter's @lorecurious

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

An Official Warning Notice from Mr Jecklethwait P. Hardiegroove, Solicitor at Law

READER BEWARE

An Official Warning Notice

Mr Jecklethwait P. Hardiegroove, Solicitor at Law

31st February, In The Year Of Our Dark Lord, Twenty-Hundred-&-Nineteen

 

TO WHOMSOEVERFORTH IT MAY OR MAY NOT CONCERNETH

 

Dear Readers (and/or Readeresses – delete as appropriate &or inappropriate),

In accordance with the latest Official Health and Safety Regulations I am obliged to warn you of the Potential Dangers associated with reading (and/or readeressing) this alleged book, namely:

Strange Days – A Book Of Curious Forgotten Lore

Luckily, although reading (and/or readeressing – heretoforeafter called simply “reading”) has been shown to frequently prove to be habit forming and even potentially addictive, there is apparently not generally any serious risk involved with occasional reading [1] as long as it is not undertaken while you are:

 

  1. Driving A Motor Vehicle
  2. Flying An Aeroplane or Ornithopter
  3. Riding A Bicycle or Velocipede
  4. Swimming
  5. Performing Surgery
  6. Wearing Clothes
  7. Using Chalk
  8. Operating Heavy Machinery
  9. Summoning Demonic Sockmonkeys

 

[1] It is generally considered safe to listen during the above activities, as long as you don’t listen to anything unduly interesting, are not really paying attention, and accepting in the case of point number 6.

However, it has now been parascientifically established that some forms of reading are inherently more dangerous than others.

Naturally there are obvious examples, such as attempting to read a book under the bedclothes [2] which can

a) Cause severe eye-strain unless you use a torch

&

b) Can incur the fearful wrath of some parents

{who can be most insistent that you need a good night’s sleep. I well remember my own dear Mother threatening me with both the loss of pocket-money, a cricket bat & the eternal vengence of the Elder Gods, when she found me under the bedclothes… Yet let me not digress too far with happy childhood memories}.

[2] It is usually perfectly safe to listen to a book under the bedclothes but it is also pointless and/or very muffled (delete as appropriate) as they are usually silent. Those that do speak should not under any circumstances be listened to.

Clearly there are some small physical & spiritual risks involved with reading, albeit that they are dangers which can normally be safely avoided by those who are suitably precautious. But then again, there are sometimes less obvious, less physical, more mental, and far more serious dangers involved in reading some kinds of book. [3]

 

[3] i.e. Strange Days – A Book Of Curious Forgotten Lore.

With this in mind it is beholden upon to me to discharge my duty and make the following statement.

Strange Days – A Book Of Curious Forgotten Lore is definitely not the sort of book you should be reading if you are;

  • Feint of heart
  • Weak of mind
  • Jellied of the knee
  • Soft in the head
  • Numb of the skull
  • Feathered of the brain
  • Or generally in any way of a timorous disposition.

You are further advised not to read:

  1. About the Clowns of Clod if you suffer from anxiety, stress, corns, coulrophobia or good sense.
  2. Any mention of Possessed Dolls should be avoided by those prone to nosebleeds, pea soup or breathing.
  3. It is inadvisable for anyone not suitably qualified to read anything relating to the Toddlodyte Guild of Barbers, Butchers, Bakers & Candlestickmakers.
  4. Any text relating to therianthropic transmogrification may only be read at your own risk & never under the light of a full moon.
  5. You are expressly requested NOT to ponder the passages relating to Martian necroplasm, nor to stare too long at paragraphs concerning abysmal mirrors, and you are utterly ill advised to seek to read anything about the cases of Inspector Miles Inch of Olde Scotland Yard’s ‘Very Special Branch’.
  6. For legal reasons we cannot comment on the undersea adventures of Rear Admiral Jacques Clousteau, the inventor of the Jaqualung.
  7. And for illegal reasons we will not be held to be irresponsible for information regarding Sir Alistair Rookley, the self-styled Hierophant of Occult Crime.
  8. Polkageists have been repeatedly linked to psychic disturbances and are therefore not to be thought about in any way.
  9. Poltergeese are worse.
  10. We will not even mention the Unutterable Floop.


 

Neither I, my firm, nor our clients can in any way accept any responsibility for anything that happens from this point onward.

You Have Been Forewarned

Signed

Jecklethwait P. Hardiegroove

 

On behalf of Messrs. Hopgoody, Flitchit & Sqwerm – Commissioners for Oaths & Turncoats at Law

 

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