Latest updates


Thursday, 3 October 2019

Hi there!


Wondrous supporter, due to your fabulous beneficence, #Sonnets is now available for sale from all good bookshops (a bookshop is only good if it stocks #Sonnets -- sorry, I don't make the rules). I'm so, so grateful to everyone who parted with their hard-earned lucre to make the thing happen. To mark this auspicious occasion, I've written -- what else? -- a sonnet:


My reader…


Wednesday, 17 July 2019

Dear legends, whose extreme munificence

And fine discernment know no earthly measure,

Today my gratitude is most intense,

For this PM, I had the untold pleasure

To pop into Unbound, the publisher

Of #Sonnets — wondrous tome, though small —

And sign some copies, making doubly sure

My name was legible, and not some scrawl

As might abash a schoolboy; aye, I’ve striven

To make…


Wednesday, 3 April 2019

My precious lovelies,


Having received multiple accounts of supporters rending their garments, falling to their knees, and screaming “where, oh where, is #Sonnets?!?!”, I thought I’d make an update.


I’m happy to report that the manuscript is being typeset, the cover is looking fit AF, and the illustrations are complete/gorgeous. Perhaps most pressingly, the supporters list will close…


Saturday, 29 December 2018

Season's Greetings to you, my treasured supporters! As you've all been very good this year, I'm stuffing your e-stocking with two sonnet-y gifts. First, here's a verse I wrote to mark the occasion:

Secondly, I'm thrilled to report that Ollie Mann has delivered a full consignment of illustrations! They're glorious, and, as a token of my regards, here's one to whet your appetite:

Can you…


Wednesday, 21 November 2018

You lovely people! You've only gone and funded #Sonnets! I'm beyond thrilled that this daft book of mine will now progress to the editorial stage and be published in the New Year. As allergic to sincerity as I am, I'm truly grateful for the support you've shown me. The crowdfunding mountain has, at times, seemed insurmountable, but your kind comments and generous pledges were my Sherpa Tenzing. Genuinely…


Thursday, 1 November 2018

Dear fair youths and dark ladies,

Your boy’s cock-a-hoop to report that #Sonnets is now 90% funded, with a total of 300 backers! I feel like a modern Leonidas, without the impressive physique, slow motion fight scenes or weird xenophobia. To celebrate, I’ve naturally whipped up a little something for my noble patrons…

So yes, just ten percent remains — one for each syllable in a line of…


Thursday, 4 October 2018

Dear fairest creatures,

I hope each and every one of you is enjoying a glut of gaiety, an excess of ecstasy and a surfeit of the superb. As for me, I’m a’ight. Pleased and grateful that #Sonnets is now 85% funded. Eager and impatient to smash through that remaining fifteen and get the thing into bookshops both reputable and not.

Thanks again for your generosity in funding this cavalcade of silliness…


Monday, 17 September 2018

My dearest darlings,

I’m pleased to a punch-like extent to report that #Sonnets has crossed the 80% mark. I also got engaged this weekend, so it’s been a heady few days. Anyway, the printing presses lie ready and the sonnet-reading public slavers with anticipation, so I must continue my quest to get this deeply daft opus into your hands. To tide you over till then, here’s a sonnet I wrote for the…


Thursday, 30 August 2018

Beloved Patrons,

I'm pleased to inform you that everyone's favourite compendium of daft sonnets is now THREE-QUARTERS FUNDED! Mad gratitude and fulsome thanks to every one of you for getting us to this point. I'm nothing if not predictable, so I've written a sonnet to mark the occasion:

Fingers crossed it won't be too long before the thing hits its target. If you'd be kind enough to share…

When I'm Sixty-Four

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Dear all,

I'm jubilant to report that #Sonnets is currently 64% funded! 64 is, as we all know, a superperfect number, i.e. a positive integer n that satisfies

where σ is the divisor summatory function. Anyway, this struck me as an ideal time to share with you a new piece of art by Ollie Mann:

Pretty cool, right? It's also representative of the kind of dope-ass illustration your pledges…


Friday, 20 July 2018

We've hit 50%! Callooh and, to a lesser extent, callay! In celebration, here's an exclusive sonnet about my recent experiences...

All jokes aside, I hugely appreciate the support of each and every one of you. It's thrilling to think that this profoundly daft book is now closer than not to being funded. I can't wait to get it out there, so please share, retweet, message a friend or hold a billionaire…


Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Dear all,

I thought I'd share with you a sonnet I live-wrote during yesterday's World Cup match, mainly as a means of coping with extreme stress:

Campaign-wise, we're up to 47%, so not all that far from reaching our goal (GET IT?). To hasten the process, it would be lovely if you could whack the share button on social media. Hope everyone's having a splendid summer, football fan and football…


Monday, 4 June 2018

42 (forty-two) is a number fraught with significance. It was famously Douglas Adams’ Answer to the Question of Life, The Universe and Everything. Multiply it by ten and you get the time stoners commence their chiefing of the kind bud. It was also the age at which Prince Albert died, presumably from the shock of discovering they’d named a cock ring after him. Most pertinently to us, 42 is the percent…

'With Nature's own hand painted...'

Monday, 21 May 2018

Dear legends,


Each of you has my eternal gratitude for pledging towards #Sonnets, but did you know you're not just supporting daft poetry? No, your kindness is also funding a tonne of gorgeous, Elizabethan-style illustrations from the disgustingly talented Ollie Mann. I imagine you've already seen his Kim Kardashian, so here's Ollie's take on my Snoop Dogg sonnet:



Pretty great…


Friday, 11 May 2018

Today’s a day both wonderful and stirring

For now the pledges that I hath incurred

Doth stand at thirty-three point three recurring

Which sweet percentage we may call a third

But, though I fear this seems fanatical,

I cannot rest or let my effort slow

For, using powers mathematical,

I glean that we have two thirds yet to go

Therefore I doth implore thee, pledger kind,

Fair patron, who would…

A Sonnet Upon Reaching 25%

Monday, 23 April 2018

Dear lords and ladies, who doth pledge thy name

That I, poor fool, might make these humble verses,

Lend me your ears, for now I would proclaim

The wondrous news my fervent brain rehearses!

’Tis bliss immeasurable to be alive

Upon this golden, many-splendored day:

Thy pledges to percentage twenty-five

Are climbed, which I with joyous eye survey!

’Tis true, three quarters more…


Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Well, I’m delighted to report that #Sonnets is 20% funded! As the proud bearer of a B in GCSE Mathematics, I can tell you that this means we’re a fifth of our way to publication. A FIFTH! Just like Beethoven’s greatest symphony, the day in November we’re meant to remember, and the amount of vodka Eminem drank before he asked if you dared him to drive! Hmm, ‘fifth’ is a weird word when you keep looking…

Publication date: October 2019
102% funded
336 backers