"O Heisenberg, did not that shaven head
Contain the thought thy wicked deeds could scar thee?
Thou should’st have taught thy chemistry instead
Of cooking crystal in some antique RV..."
From #Sonnet No. 14 - Walter White.
For hundreds of years, the sonnet has captivated poets, including its most famous practitioner, William Shakespeare. Alas, Shakespeare never used his command of iambic pentameter to explore such vital subjects as Snapchat, porn or Austin Powers. Enter comedian and too-much-time-on-his-hands-haver Lucien Young. While Shakespeare only wrote 154 sonnets, Lucien has written 155, making him one better. While Shakespeare kept his feelings on Spider-Man secret, Lucien has no such qualms. And while the immortal bard is unlikely to write you a personalised verse in exchange for £100, Lucien will very much do that…
#Sonnets is a collection of finely-wrought poems on hilariously inappropriate themes. Concerning celebrities like Donald Trump, Kanye West and Marge Simpson, as well as such modern ephemera as texting, wifi and viagra, each verse packs a multitude of gags into its fourteen lines. As with his previous literary pastiches, Alice in Brexitland and Trump’s Christmas Carol, the author has strived to make this book not only funny, but also an accomplished parody of the original. In addition, #Sonnets features gorgeous contributions from the illustrator Ollie Mann, making it an ideal gift. Whether you're a comedy fan, a lover of poetry, or just someone who wants to read an ode to RoboCop, this is the book for you.
About the Book
A Note from the Author
I know what thou art thinking: why did I
These sonnets write in twenty-seventeen?
Do I imagine there are people keen
To give my poor pentameter a try?
And, furthermore, who do I hope will buy
A book that doth the noble form demean
With subject matter frivolous, obscene
And quite impossible to dignify?
In truth, I needed it to occupy
My febrile brain, for what a year it’s been
I thought I could, with verse iambic, pry
Some sense from nonsense, and our modern scene
Depict and mock, while using ‘thee’ and ‘thy’
In pages fit to rest by thy latrine.
A Selection of #Sonnets
When I beheld upon my laptop screen
The best and brightest of our earthly stars
As cover girl of Paper magazine
With gloves and pearls and glist’ning, global arse
Then did my heart with foreign feelings flare
For little had I known erotic passion
Ere I had glimpsed thy shining derriere
And learned thy gilded name, O Kim Kardashian!
But soon my soul did grieve, for I did think
Of how thy form enpixelled might remain
That, IRL, my lips might never drink
A glass of thy butt-balancèd champagne
I need thee, Kim, so prithee do not let
My heart be broken like the internet!
How I do thrill at thy great panoply!
Thine endless content doth my heart content
Ne'er do I grudge thy small subscription fee
Much less the countless hours on thee spent
For when I would my thirsting laptop slake
Assemblest thou the songs of sundry bards
One eve I shall of Stranger Things partake
The next of Narcos, Love or House of Cards
Alas, at times thy wares are so arousing
I cannot choose, and, vainly scrolling on,
I waste my day a thousand programmes browsing
And lose the chance to watch a single one
Man's heart, though lacking naught, still wanteth more
And thus a wealth of choice doth make us poor.
Well, I’m delighted to report that #Sonnets is 20% funded! As the proud bearer of a B in GCSE Mathematics, I can tell you that this means we’re a fifth of our way to publication. A FIFTH! Just like Beethoven’s greatest symphony, the day in November we’re meant to remember, and the amount of vodka Eminem drank before he asked if you dared him to drive! Hmm, ‘fifth’ is a weird word when you keep…
These people are helping to fund #Sonnets.