For more than twenty years I have been mistaken for Tony Hawk, the American skateboarder. Unfortunately for me, Tony Hawk chose to name all his skateboarding computer games after him, so they were called things like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. The reason why this is unfortunate is because it seems that young American skateboarders have failed to grasp the concept of an apostrophe* and even though it is abundantly clear on my web-site that I am an English comedian and author, they still write to me asking me questions like ‘How do you do a 900’ or ‘an Ollie’? A while back I grew tired of this, and one mischievous day I decided to starting writing back to these skateboarding enthusiasts. And I began to enjoy it. I began to publish the best of these replies on my web-site and I soon had people writing to me tell me how these mails had them crying with laughter. I now have hundreds of e mails to which I have replied, employing a pompous, serious tone, goading my correspondents for their spelling mistakes and poor grammar, whilst offering bogus or downright silly advice on how to improve their skateboarding. These ‘skatemails’ would appear alongside an equally silly and disrespectful A-Z guide to the world of skateboarding, as seen through the eyes of someone who knows absolutely nothing about it.
I see this as being a great gift book – or one that can sit on the shelf in the loo and provide the kind of unbridled laughter that could greatly assist the constipated. There – that’s my gift to society. It would also make a wonderful Christmas present to any parent who has a child who is a mad keen skateboarder…
I should also add that all my profits for this new book will be donated to my charity - The Tony Hawks Centre - which offers free health care to chronically ill children in Moldova.
If you are unfortunate, you may stumble upon someone who is wearing one of these:
If you do, try to stumble in such a way that you can contrive to rip the T shirt as you fall.
It is difficult to believe, I know, but some people love their skateboards so much that they even buy T shirts or stickers that inform the world about their dysfunctional personalities. Generally speaking I am against any T shirt or sticker that has ‘I ❤’ instead of ‘I love’. Love is not a long word to type or write and therefore should be written out in full. The heart, on the other hand, is a messy organ covered in blood which can malfunction, in which case it can make life particularly difficult, or even impossible.
I’ve just measured the time involved, and I can actually type ‘love’ much more quickly than it takes to source the ❤ icon on my computer. Below is a table which will help you to understand:
TIME SPENT TYPING “L-O-V-E” : 0.5 seconds
TIME SPENT SOURCING THE ❤ SYMBOL: 15 minutes
A further point needs to be made here. Loving a skateboard is a silly thing to do. In case you are in some doubt about what you should love, I have compiled two short lists that will clarify things for you in this area.
THINGS THAT ARE OK TO LOVE
THINGS THAT ARE NOT OK TO LOVE
I’m writing to you about the Once More Unto The Fridge project to which you very kindly made a pledge recently.
Unfortunately things haven’t worked out how I hoped. I had to return home during my first week in Ireland as a result of a family illness. The good news is that all is much better for that family member and the prognosis is good. The less good news is that upon my return to England I…
These people are helping to fund The A to Z of Skateboarding.