I think most sane people realise that this government is composed entirely of lizard scum - and as such would like to see every one of the current cabinet die in a fire – so naturally you’d expect there to be a huge swell of positive opinion for whoever was likely to come along and oust them.

But just look at Labour. Every one of their front bench are mindwarped… Do they even know who they are themselves now? The dark soulless apparatchik eyes of Douglas Alexander are a window into the mind of a man reprogrammed more often than Lee Harvey Oswald. It’s embarrassing, that as a nation, we have to contemplate Ed Miliband as the only possible contender to Cameron’s throne. Where the hell did everyone else go so badly wrong that this utter drip, this clumsy slimy wankbat, is the only potential plan B? This doesn’t reflect well on any of us. We’re all complicit, we’ve let this happen. In the same way that fat drunken bastards shouting at the TV about how badly Engerland are performing in the world cup can’t really moan, because they’re also part of the available selection, it’s very difficult to look at the entire political class and not have some sense of personal failure.

The difference is that the political class that exists now is made up of a much smaller pool of available candidates than ever before. Whereas most kids still play a bit of footy at some level, so you can be fairly certain that the best 11 players the nation has are either on or very near the pitch in an international tournament, most kids won’t get the chance to grow up and lead the country. Most kids are out of the game very early, despite perhaps having the potential, because they’ve been too busy uploading pictures of themselves pissing on each other while they were mangled on ket in Magaluf when they were 17. The list of recorded past crimes that people have committed now means that the only potential politicians accepted by the media and thus the rest of us are the likes of Miliband, who’s never done anything remotely interesting or fun in his life. Unless we all become a bit more accepting of those with breadth of character we’re going to be stuck with an elite test-tube tory clone army, who’ve been shielded from humanity from inside their lizard lair at Eton.

I would love my mate Tommy to have a crack at running the country. He’s bright, he’s fair, he’s charismatic, he’s loyal, he’s passionate about his politics and he has an encyclopaedic knowledge of global economic systems along with a genuinely clear and unbiased view of what decisions have been taken by zillions of different regimes over the past few centuries and what the results have turned out to be. Unfortunately, about twenty years ago, Tommy shoved a Mars Bar up his arse in the Stanley Arms for a dare. Some kids saw it, the police were called, and that’s it for Tommy. The Daily Mirror would be all over him like a rash. I think as a nation we’ve all lost out, and you’ve only got to look at those three leading the opposition, Miliband, Balls and Harman to know that’s the truth.

John Crump