This week's big election news came when D-Cam pretended that he wasn't prepared to get involved in a series of live TV debates unless the Greens are asked along to annoy Labour, in the same way that UKIP are going to annoy him.

His concern is that Farage is going to make the the tories seem relatively sane, and this isn't going to appeal to the masses who've become trapped in a Stockholm Syndrome austerity headlock. These cheerleaders of policies that hand everything from the majority to reptilian forces in The City want to be shafted even harder, want the vulnerable to suffer more, and Farage’s plans to bulldoze the disabled into mass graves are in danger of making IDS look like Karl Marx. To balance it all out Cameron wants the Greens to show Labour up as an extremely similar crony-capitalist war-mongering inter-dimensional shapeshifting beast as the Tories.
 

These TV debates debuted during the last election, but now they’re seen as essential, in line with the progressive X-Factorisation of all debate. You’d think politics would become more popular now that it's a popularity contest, but recall what the reality TV element achieved last time... the national rimming of Nick Clegg - which promptly led to a situation in which absolutely no voter in the country got what they wanted. Democracy in action. If we’re told that the idea of a live TV debate is to find out what a party is proposing to do in power or to build trust with the leader, then the crazy lies and massive failure of Clegg should be enough to get them axed for good.

As that won't happen, Dermot Murnaghan will host a dumbed down edition of Jeremy Kyle in front of a studio audience forced to wear hasmat suits to shield them from the toxic levels of cupric reptile bile that the leaders spew. The nation will get to choose between some of the world's most convincing lying narcissists and a socially awkward drip who’s shit at TV.  They’ll no doubt all put on a great performance. It might at times look like they genuinely dislike each other. You'd never guess that they all went to school together, that Miliband's wife Justine Thornton is George Osborne's wife Frances's good friend, and that they go off on hols together - on the home planet near The Draco Constellation. I wonder what the boys get up to while they're away. Apart from feeding on the grief of the human race while plotting new ways to enslave us.

The game is rigged. No matter who wins, the important stuff has been already agreed back on the mothership: Legislation will continue to chip away at our personal freedoms while fiscal policy will continue to divert any wealth we create into the hands of a few lizards. Both sides have already said as much.

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In global news, a few days of horrific yet predictable terror will be used to drag us deeper into the lizard mire. The #CharlieDontSurf hashtag became the biggest trending topic ever on social media, polarising people the world over.

No matter which side of the issue you stand, I hope we can all agree that the actual things Islamic fundamentalists believe, the gnarled up faces on neo-nazi protestors, and the utter shite that white-guilt liberals bleat are all much more funny than any French satirist has ever been.

Don’t let the lizards take away more of our personal freedoms. The risks are incredibly low. More people have married Katie Price than have been killed by terrorists in the UK this decade. Resist.

John Crump