Friday, 6 March 2015
On average us plebs in the UK are filmed by CCTV 70 times per day. We are the most watched society in history, and with just 1% of the world’s population we have one fifth of the world’s cameras. According to Tony Porter, the UK’s Surveillance Camera Commissioner, a local authority in the midlands got rid of a quarter of a million ‘useless and ineffective’ cameras last year, but there are still six million of them watching us all right now, one for every ten of us, constantly recording what we’re all up to. The idea that we’re sleepwalking into a surveillance state is nonsense, we’re already there.
Ed Snowden said that GCHQ is the most advanced spying facility in the world and that it was the first place to do a ‘full sweep’ of communications, revealing that the UK security services don’t simply track the data of criminals or terrorists that they have a reason to be interested in, but that they record the entire phone conversations, banking details, all the emails, every transaction, every text, every internet search of every person in the world and save it all up just in case they ever need to dig it out and crucify you with it later. The scope is mindblowing, and the documentary about it ‘Citizenfour’ should be shown to every kid on Earth, right before they set up their first Facebook page. They record your passwords, your connections, your networks, your card transactions - and from his desktop at the NSA, Snowden or anyone else with his status could use this info to see what you’re up to in real time, where you are, what you just bought, ate, where you travelled from and to, and because of the amount of data they have on you already, make predictions about what you’re about to do next, and with whom.
In the real world they’ve started outsourcing policing to civilians, gradually brainwashing us into being more willing to snoop on each other. Billboards go up asking us to shop neighbours who might be over-claiming stuff, landlords go to jail if people smoke in their pubs, in all walks of life not noticing and reporting stuff is an offence now, and this week this has culminated in the production of their latest surveillance tool, the sex-selfie-stick HD camera vibrator.
Marketed as an intimate toy that allows the filming of orgasms from inside the vagina, this tool is actually a sophisticated piece of extra terrestrial technology that has again outsourced the surveillance to us and made us spy on ourselves. Ever since the grey alien was found at the site of a UFO crash in Roswell in 1947 there have been stories of visitors from other planets beaming people up and examining them with anal probes… But why spend all that energy taking people off in space craft when you can simply convince them to shove probes up their own arses, and upload all the details themselves, to be analysed as and when back at GCHQ and the NSA?
Why are the lizards gathering all this data about what we do, what we think, and what the insides of our bums look like? I don’t know yet, but I intend to find out.