Reptile Resistance is a story app, somewhere between a book and a game. It mixes the written word with technology in a way that's enjoyably silly.
You read Reptile Resistance as you would a work of fiction, and you play it too, on your tablet or smartphone or computer. The story for iOS and Android, contains puzzles you must solve to get to the next chapter. There are five chapters in total, and in one of the chapters we've hidden the Lizard Cam, which is a thing you really want to have.
In the app you play a character. The character is Zelia Wilson. She is a singer. She is whip smart, filthy rich and has nothing to prove. Which is handy, except her best mate Dave has just been killed.
Now, once upon a time Zelia and Dave were The Eschatones, the world's biggest band, until Dave quit, changed his name to Ziggy Roswell, and retreated to his mansion in the country, like a proper rock star. That was twenty years ago.
But now Dave is back, and he says he's written a new album for The Eschatones and he wants Zelia to play it with him at a Glastonbury comeback slot. Which Zelia is into. Except that Dave Mansion, or Ziggy Roswell, or whatever he calls himself these days, has called the album Reptile Resistance and has started obsessing about lizards.
Because Dave says that earth is run by a cabal of shape-shifting intergalactic lizards.
And Dave says that the moon is a hollow, reality-controlling super computer. And that the lizards use wifi to enslave the human mind.
Dave says that in their fake human form, lizards run the EU, NATO, the NSA, The Vatican, China, Russia. They control every war, every uprising, all the intelligence, all the counter intelligence. They walk by us in the street, drink in our bars, work in our offices. They milk us of wealth and freedom.
Now Zelia thinks that's cobblers, but she likes a laugh and agrees. But then – bang! - Dave is killed live on Glastonbury stage. It couldn't be the lizards could it?
With his last breath, Dave tells Zelia that she has to go to his mansion and find five notebooks, and that these notebooks will reveal the truth about the controlling reptoid power elite.
Zelia promises. She has to. Dave is dying. He tells Zelia that also hidden in his mansion is the Lizard Cam, a reptile recognition system created to expose hidden lizards. Now Lizard Cam is an actual thing. We've embedded it in the app so that users can find it and then use it discover which of their family and friends is a shapeshifting reptile. You can even take photo evidence, and share the discovery. Because who hasn't ever wanted to donk a lizard head on their mate?
So come with Zelia as she searches Dave's mad rock star mansion, with its orangery, its turrets, and its priestholes. Hunt for Dave's notebooks. Then crack the notebooks' code to unleash the Lizard Cam.
I had hundreds of bona fide humans on the payroll.
My fortune was covering the meth benders of unhinged hackers in Palo Alto, boosting the pension schemes of monomaniac physicists remixing molecules in secret garage labs. I even had a couple of Whitehall mandarins slipping me info on the sly. But the jewel in my crown of subterfuge and reptile resistance was Kim Basu. That slime had been The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force, and he'd seen enough to know the lizards were real.
He got me a document he'd managed to get his hands on. Encrypted of course. But I got some lass with quick fingers and enough terrahertz in her bedroom to bust it open.
What I found was off the scale.
Because the lizards were using weather as a weapon.
On average us plebs in the UK are filmed by CCTV 70 times per day. We are the most watched society in history, and with just 1% of the world’s population we have one fifth of the world’s cameras. According to Tony Porter, the UK’s Surveillance Camera Commissioner, a local authority in the midlands got rid of a quarter of a million ‘useless and ineffective’ cameras last year, but there are still six…
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PS: Art is the handiwork of…
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But just look at Labour. Every one of their front bench are mindwarped… Do they even know who they are…
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Thirteen weeks until the UK's general election and it's been pointed out that our weekly election blogs have started to concentrate too much on things like politics at the expense of leaving room for jokes about massive devious lizard from the constellation Draco.
It's clear why that is. The moon has been moving conspicuously closer to earth over the last few weeks, meaning its reality-controlling…
Fourteen weeks until May's general election and the brouhaha at Prime Minister's question time in the House of Commons Wednesday revolved around Cameron pressing opposition leader Ed Miliband to confirm or deny if he had said he intended to 'weaponise the NHS' during the election campaign.
But Miliband obfuscated and squirmed and neither confirmed nor denied he had used the W word. Quite why the…
If we weren’t all so desensitised to a political class working together this kind of thing would make us all revolt. But we are so it will probably just make you shrug.
At the same time as it was announced that the result of the 6 year long enquiry into the Iraq war, the Chilcot Report, still won’t be published before the election, it was also revealed that 5 years negotiation between those about…
Fifteen weeks until the election and in what might be one of the last covert moves before the parties stop pretending they're not campaigning, Cameron got stuck into opponents with a sneaky piece of innocent-faced chicanery, aimed at both putting clear water between himself and Ukip, and zapping Labour on an increasingly important issue.
Health Minister Jane Ellison announced Wednesday night that…
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This week's big election news came when D-Cam pretended that he wasn't prepared to get involved in a series of live TV debates unless the Greens are asked along to annoy Labour, in the same way that UKIP are going to annoy him.
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Yes we have been quiet. And there is a reason. We were hibernating over the festive period, restoring our lizard hunting powers to be ready for the coming challenge. By which of course I mean the general election. May 7th unless things change. 16 weeks away.
We are going to be running our own general election campaign to get Reptile Resistance funded. Crump and I will be writing a blog…
You may have noticed we've gone a bit quiet. Well, we were marooned in a quantum dungeon beneath Goldman Sachs for a while, but we got out. Most of us anyway. Also, it's Xmas which is not a lizard hunter's super besso time of year. So we'll be back with full anti-reptile force in The One Five. Yes, I did just call 2015 that.
But in the meantime, as the year comes to an end, important…
News just in that the disguises of our lizard enemies are becoming more sophisticated.
Also, me Mum and Dad have just pledged on here, so stop dicking about and let's pretend this is important work we're doing.
Good luck for the week.
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