My Tutu Went AWOL!

By Iestyn Edwards

When you audition by accident and take your cross-dressing ballerina act to entertain the troops in Iraq & Afghanistan

Friday, 17 March 2017

Sell Your Hair to the Doll Factory

 Because I need your help, you see, nicely.  Namely: reviews to be posted on Amazon now you've, hopefully, enjoyed Tutu. Read on for more...

  Have I told you about Rachel, the mezzo-soprano?  The one who thought that her most recent public appearance could be classed as a gala because at the tea between rehearsal and performance the scotch eggs were cut into sixteenths?  Just saw her, the other day in Oxford Street; dressed as usual for that Disney kibbutz.  Then when she she took off her fuchsia chintz headscarf – her hair was vast!
  She said something along these lines: ‘I’m growing it to sell to a doll factory in Puerto Rico, proceeds going to the Hacienda Verde.  Year’s growth: they’re offering three thousand five hundred. Just off to the treatment clinic.  They put on it Kamatakan mung-dynasty beans, Tregothnan Manuka honey and Watneys pale, then leave it to do its thing for a fortnight. Then they drain it all off and in a petri dish collect what the beans have poohed out after they’ve eaten and drunk: except they don’t eat and drink like…with mouths…whatever. Then they put this stuff on your hair and you have to leave it for six months till the clinic cuts your hair off - and it gets to the stage where nobody can stand to be around you without the aid of burning joss sticks. I had to take a tarpaulin for a swimming hat at Christmas (I call it Winter Solstice Plus Three these days) when I went on a “finding myself” trip; swam with dolphins.  Came back after a day and I’m suing the travel company because the whole time the dolphins were laughing at me...'

  Anyway, that was Rachel. My point in telling you all that is that I need you to do for my book what that clinic is doing for Rachel's hair.  Nurture it.  But rather than smearing mung-dynasty-bean mash on the cover, I'm asking you to review it on Amazon.  Then my numberage gets quodosic...or something.  Honest reviews, please.  No jokes about you laughing so hard you were asked to leave the Trappist Monastery. You've all been brilliant, let me say again, getting it to print - so let's get it to film now! 

  Then I can play me in it. With Lizzie Roper as Nicky Ness, Joseph Beattie as Rink-Dink, Tom Hardy as Stacks... The link, you see...

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