Cover of Lily Poole

Just Jock - looks at seven good reasons for not doing the ice-bucket challenge.

Monday, 25 August 2014

Dear Just Jock, I’m overwhelmed with people suddenly standing up and flinging buckets of water over themselves and putting it Faceboook.

 

1) I don’t have an eleemosynary bone in my body, I don’t know what it all  means?

 

Dear anonymous quiet question-person, I mirror your concerns. Years ago, in my blighted youth I ventured onto the dance floor at the Big O foaming at the mouth and spurted out Agadoo-Agadoo. Some jerky hand,  face and  mouth movements followed. I was rushed to the nearest chair and forced to sit the next one out. Luckily, in those days the worse thing that could happen to you was to pick up  a sexually transmitted disease in one sitting. Now with camera phones you’re life will be ruined, unless you comply.

 

Personally, I don’t believe in charity, but I believe in helping the honest, good person. This guy ticks all the boxes. http://unbound.co.uk/books/lily-poole

 

2) Dear Just Jock, how do I avoid the social stigma of not complying with an angry-mob mentality?

 

Dear anonymous quiet question person, you can appeal to their better nature, but let me warn you there’s fifty-million of them and that number is growing. With that kind of cult following and financial clout the invasion of Poland looks inevitable. Best lie low. Move to Switzerland.

 

3) Dear Just Jock, I’ve got a ‘sick-line’ that says I can’t do the bucket challenge. Who do I give it to?

 

Well, anyone with peroxide blonde hair such as Lannie or Julie would be a good choice. Of footballers like Gareth Bale or Christiano Ronaldo. If you’re stupid, star-stuck, or both, give it to Scott Brown, he knows everybody and is the kind of ice-bucket man most folk go to.

 

There are some existing medical conditions that most folk recognise that preclude the ice-bucket challenge. The very young, under ten-years old. Being old and wrinkly-over forty-five. Bald people are advised not to take part as the ice in the bucket can freeze synapses in  the cerebral membrane and kill them instantly. I too have a medical certificate that exempts me, but I’m forced to wear it pinned to my lapels for ease of inspection.

 

4) Dear Just Jock, is it true the ice-bucket challenge has been linked with global warming?

 

I get asked this question quite a lot. People have been travelling en masse to Antarctica and chipping away at the large glaciers covering Greenland and Antarctica for ice for their buckets. The albedo effect has up to now been negligible, but that’s only because they have to go further north than first anticipated. In simple terms, there’s  no more ice, the third world war of global warming has already begun- and we humans, as a species, lost narrowly to the polar bear. The answer to that question is therefore yes and no.     

 

5) Dear Just Jock, my friends (Julie and Lannie) want to do the ice-bucket challenge again and again, is there some kind of ice-bucket detox therapy?

 

Well, that’s an easier one. It’s all got to do with the endorphins. Some people get a natural high from the anticipation of doing something stupid. I would suggest therapies such as neurolinguistic programming or hypnotherapies or any other therapy that doesn’t work, but which will keep them busy. Past life regression is good for this. Memories of being a Roman soldier usually involved rape and pillage. It rarely involves picking up a bucket of water and flinging it over your head, but with false memory syndrome that may change.


 

6) Dear Just Jock, will anything be able to replace the bucket-challenge?

 

Well, anonymous quiet-question person that kind of question shows that you are almost half way to being cured or this contagion. If you look back at man’s history there has been other fads. Think of all those chaps travelling about on their sporty Penny Farthings. People used to race pigs. There will be life after the bucket challenge but not as we know it. We’re working on a cure.

 

7) Dear Just Jock, the ice-bucket challenge has been compared to a secular Toronto Blessing, is this an apt comparison?

 

Yes, anonymous quiet-question person, but one was a blessing, the other a curse.   

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Publication date: July 2016
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