Keanu Reeves Is Not In Love With You

By Becky Holmes

My Encounters With Online Romance Scammers

Friday, 4 March 2022

I thought it was the morphine...

When I signed a publishing contract with Unbound I knew it was a crowdfunding model and I would need to get a lot of support before it officially became a 'book deal'. My contract said I had an initial period of six months, which could then be extended to a year if both parties agreed. 

The part of me that has dreamt of being an author since I was at school shouted "yes you can do this bitch - bring it the **** on!" The horrible negative part of me that likes to slap that other part of me in the face laughed and whispered "nah. Everyone hates you. Oh and you're fat".

It was therefore utterly bonkers to achieve 100% of the crowdfunding target within three weeks. I mean... three weeks?! Ok so Vic Reeves did it quicker than that but I didn't have 'the dove from above' on my side so it's still pretty good. Oh God I've just realised that some of you reading this will be too young to understand that reference. Look it up on Ask Jeeves (another reference just for us oldies).

But anyway, I eagerly (my friend would describe it as obsessively) watched the pledges come in, the numbers build and the percentage climb. On Monday, a sizeable pledge came in and suddenly I had reached my goal.

Thing is, I had been in hospital for a few days at that point and was on so much morphine, tramadol and codeine that it all seemed like a dream and I got probably rather too emotional for the setting in which I found myself. When one of the nurses asked me why I was crying and I said "because I'll be able to buy my own book in a shop one dayl" she rolled her eyes and patted my arm. I guess it must be something that opioid-induced people come out with regularly.     

So because of every single person reading this email (and yes I know who you are - I've smiled gratefully at that list of supporters for hours at a time) it turns out I now have an actual BOOK DEAL and I am now an actual AUTHOR.

So I say to that horrible negative part of me - up yours! What's that you say? I'm still fat? Damn you! 


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Rosemary Clarke
 Rosemary Clarke says:

Your on your way girl. You are not fat. Stop it. Stop it now... I am on the generous side and see myself well buttered which we know everyone loves especially when taken to the edges. Humph ! Start your marketing campaign and become famous. I see a funny T.V series in the pipeline...think big. xx

posted 4th March 2022

Becky Holmes
 Becky Holmes says:

Ooh hello! I didn't realise you could have little chats on here! You've always been so encouraging so I really appreciate it. Next time Jon's over at yours I'll pop over for a cup of tea and some yummy biscuits xx

posted 4th March 2022

Caroline McKnight
 Caroline McKnight says:

I'm so happy for you Becky. Your dream coming true must be the best feeling. I can hardly wait to read your book. I agree with Rosemary, this could well be a funny TV series and who knows, one day a film! Hmmm, I wonder who would play Keanu Reeves....Xx

posted 4th March 2022

Emma Farrell
 Emma Farrell says:

Coooo coooo (that's me calling the dove from above).


posted 4th March 2022

Neil Lewis
 Neil Lewis says:

Greetings Becky,

I was sorry to see that you had been enjoying life on a West Midlands ward somewhere. Perhaps research for your next project? 'Shrivelled scrotums and how to make the best of them!' Something of that sort! Anyway, it is such thrilling news to be a tiny part of what will be the publishing phenom for the beach-reader in the coming months. Sunday Times Book Review? Your evening radio chum in Nottingham? Jeremy Vine? On the table during an episode of Love Island? Judy and the other one? Once it becomes known of, I do think it could become instantly popular as it is thought-provoking and hilarious from page 1. The perfect recipe for good literature!

I do hope that your health is a little more improved and you are home and resting, no longer having to deal with odd fruit cups or shrivelled scrotii. Unless that is your thing of course, in which case - more power to you!

Have a grand weekend and stay toasty,


PS. Any chance your book tour might be heading to Northern Scotland? Even though nobody lives here apart from me, my cats, a billion sheep and the occasional other human; you would be very welcome! Toodle Pip.

posted 4th March 2022

David Ashby
 David Ashby says:

Congratulations Becky, I laughed so much when I first saw one of your posts that I've been stalking you, um um following you ever since. Can't wait to get the book. Best wishes Dave

posted 4th March 2022

Pádraig Floyd
 Pádraig Floyd says:

Stop wasting time farting about on here, Sherlock. You've a book to write.

posted 4th March 2022

Becky Holmes
 Becky Holmes says:

Hi everyone! Now that there is more than one person in this thread I can't work out how to do individual responses - especially as I'm in a flap as I've just been told off by my mum for being late to pick her up to go to Superdrug. Oops! So I will simply say a huge thanks for buying the book and reading these email updates, which I genuinely didn't think anyone would.

And Neil - I'm staying away from shriveled scrotums for the time being. Unless, of course, the opportunity to pop one into conversation comes hurtling my way!

posted 4th March 2022

Bernard Gray
 Bernard Gray says:

Huge congratulations again Becky on getting it over the line… I am absolutely sure this will be a monster hit!

As an aside, I have often been mistaken for Brad Pitt, so if you are looking for a stand in at very reasonable rates for the movie, let me know. It’s very wrong for me to take part as a fake, of course, given that you only meet real A listers… but we all have to make a living…

Huge congratulations again!!

posted 4th March 2022

Philip Turton
 Philip Turton says:

Where’s my bloody book then, Holmes?

posted 5th March 2022

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