Friday, 4 March 2022
I thought it was the morphine...
When I signed a publishing contract with Unbound I knew it was a crowdfunding model and I would need to get a lot of support before it officially became a 'book deal'. My contract said I had an initial period of six months, which could then be extended to a year if both parties agreed.
The part of me that has dreamt of being an author since I was at school shouted "yes you can do this bitch - bring it the **** on!" The horrible negative part of me that likes to slap that other part of me in the face laughed and whispered "nah. Everyone hates you. Oh and you're fat".
It was therefore utterly bonkers to achieve 100% of the crowdfunding target within three weeks. I mean... three weeks?! Ok so Vic Reeves did it quicker than that but I didn't have 'the dove from above' on my side so it's still pretty good. Oh God I've just realised that some of you reading this will be too young to understand that reference. Look it up on Ask Jeeves (another reference just for us oldies).
But anyway, I eagerly (my friend would describe it as obsessively) watched the pledges come in, the numbers build and the percentage climb. On Monday, a sizeable pledge came in and suddenly I had reached my goal.
Thing is, I had been in hospital for a few days at that point and was on so much morphine, tramadol and codeine that it all seemed like a dream and I got probably rather too emotional for the setting in which I found myself. When one of the nurses asked me why I was crying and I said "because I'll be able to buy my own book in a shop one dayl" she rolled her eyes and patted my arm. I guess it must be something that opioid-induced people come out with regularly.
So because of every single person reading this email (and yes I know who you are - I've smiled gratefully at that list of supporters for hours at a time) it turns out I now have an actual BOOK DEAL and I am now an actual AUTHOR.
So I say to that horrible negative part of me - up yours! What's that you say? I'm still fat? Damn you!
Signed, first-edition paperback
Just imagine - the book funds, I get a move on and finish writing it, your copy arrives in the post, you open the front cover and… gasp… I’ve scrawled with a black marker pen on the inside! What could possibly be better than that? Actually there are a lot of things much better than that but for heaven’s sake work with me here. Anyway, for this pledge you’ll get a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.
"Keanu Reeves Doesn't Love Me" mug and signed book
The first thing I do in the morning is have a coffee from my Mentally Dating Greg Davies mug (yes I do own that). The only thing I can think of that would be better than that is drinking my coffee from a mug that reminds me that one of the sexiest and apparently loveliest men in Hollywood doesn’t love me. Oh no, wait. That’s a horrible thought. Oh well, buy one anyway. Those of you with ladies in your life could always buy one for her to remind her that she may as well stay with you as she’s never going to get Keanu.
You’ll receive the mug plus a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook, and your name in the back among the list of patrons.