Tuesday, 29 March 2022
I'm a bit like your mobile phone provider
Hmm I have just read that title back and perhaps it wasn't a good choice as that rather implies that I'll provide bloody awful service whilst consistently charging more and more and then when you complain I'll turn into a spotty teenager in a call centre who is too busy thinking about copping off with his mate's girlfriend Donna to even think about your problem.
What I meant really was that I offer upgrades! "Goodness me Becky, whatever do you mean? This sounds completely amazing and I must be involved immediately" I hear you cry. Well let's say, for example, that you have pre-ordered the book for £15 but you have since realised that to live without the Keanu mug is something you just can't imagine. Well fret no more you little sausage because you can upgrade your order from any level up to another. And no, you can't downgrade, before some cheeky sod asks!
When you go into your Unbound account you can see your 'supported projects' section which, quite rightly, will have my book shining out like a pound in a poo. Click on it, go into 'manage project' and then press 'upgrade'. Should you not want to upgrade you can alternatively donate a couple of quid to the project. If it helps, imagine me in the 19th century dressed in something resembling a sack, limping along a cobbled street in the pouring rain holding out a soggy flat cap asking for six pence to feed my 14 siblings who are going to soon be taken into an orphanage if I don't raise the money for some stale bread. Shit. I've depressed myself typing that.
Truth be told I don't much like this kind of self-promotion, asking for extra sales kind of stuff but if I don't bring lots of lovely pounds in I fear my publishers won't be interested when I offer them other books in the future. I'm currently deciding between a history of the radiator and a detailed analysis of the three-pronged plug. Exciting times ahead I'm sure you'll agree.
Signed, first-edition paperback
Just imagine - the book funds, I get a move on and finish writing it, your copy arrives in the post, you open the front cover and… gasp… I’ve scrawled with a black marker pen on the inside! What could possibly be better than that? Actually there are a lot of things much better than that but for heaven’s sake work with me here. Anyway, for this pledge you’ll get a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.
"Keanu Reeves Doesn't Love Me" mug and signed book
The first thing I do in the morning is have a coffee from my Mentally Dating Greg Davies mug (yes I do own that). The only thing I can think of that would be better than that is drinking my coffee from a mug that reminds me that one of the sexiest and apparently loveliest men in Hollywood doesn’t love me. Oh no, wait. That’s a horrible thought. Oh well, buy one anyway. Those of you with ladies in your life could always buy one for her to remind her that she may as well stay with you as she’s never going to get Keanu.
You’ll receive the mug plus a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook, and your name in the back among the list of patrons.