Wednesday, 14 September 2022
Becky Holmes is now too busy and important to communicate with any of you
Dear (sort of) valued customer
You may have recently become aware that social media superstar and soon-to-be Loose Women host Becky Holmes now has well over 53,000 followers on Twitter, including some proper celeb-types.
Unfortunately this has rendered her far too busy and important to communicate with any of you, who I now believe she has taken to calling 'those awful smelly plebs'.
Given the circumstances we believe this to be entirely reasonable and we hope you will join us in congratulating her on being better than any of you.
Best wishes,
Becky's outrageously expensive management team
AND NOW HERE'S THE REAL MESSAGE...
Hi everyone. It's been an absolutely crazy 48 hours for me. I've got lots of new followers and there have also been more pre-orders for the book, which is really exciting and really scary in equal measure. I'm absolutely loving writing but there are always challenges along the way, which I'm learning from. I hope that when it does finally hit the shelves in the year 2087 that your ancestors enjoy it. Oh and I should probably just clear up that I'm not actually the new host of Loose Women. Yet. xx
Top rewards
Signed, first-edition paperback
Just imagine - the book funds, I get a move on and finish writing it, your copy arrives in the post, you open the front cover and… gasp… I’ve scrawled with a black marker pen on the inside! What could possibly be better than that? Actually there are a lot of things much better than that but for heaven’s sake work with me here. Anyway, for this pledge you’ll get a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.
"Keanu Reeves Doesn't Love Me" mug and signed book
The first thing I do in the morning is have a coffee from my Mentally Dating Greg Davies mug (yes I do own that). The only thing I can think of that would be better than that is drinking my coffee from a mug that reminds me that one of the sexiest and apparently loveliest men in Hollywood doesn’t love me. Oh no, wait. That’s a horrible thought. Oh well, buy one anyway. Those of you with ladies in your life could always buy one for her to remind her that she may as well stay with you as she’s never going to get Keanu.
You’ll receive the mug plus a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook, and your name in the back among the list of patrons.
Comments
I regard being a pleb as a sort-of promotion, so no offence taken.
Ps. I’m running out of old Viz Annuals to read. Get a wiggle on!
posted 15th September 2022
As an almost valued customer I'm delighted you (well someone) still communicates with me. 2087? I might live that long just to spite you. Best wishes
posted 15th September 2022
Dear Very Important Becky, us smelly plebs are waiting with our halitosis laden breath properly baited!
If you get a minute from being very Important, we'd love you to continue with the book....only if you have time of course. I'm sure I speak for us all in saying that we completely understand that your priorities have changed now you're on the verge of international stardom!
posted 15th September 2022