Keanu Reeves Is Not In Love With You

By Becky Holmes

My Encounters With Online Romance Scammers

Wednesday, 14 September 2022

Becky Holmes is now too busy and important to communicate with any of you

Dear (sort of) valued customer

You may have recently become aware that social media superstar and soon-to-be Loose Women host Becky Holmes now has well over 53,000 followers on Twitter, including some proper celeb-types.

Unfortunately this has rendered her far too busy and important to communicate with any of you, who I now believe she has taken to calling 'those awful smelly plebs'. 

Given the circumstances we believe this to be entirely reasonable and we hope you will join us in congratulating her on being better than any of you.

Best wishes,

Becky's outrageously expensive management team



Hi everyone. It's been an absolutely crazy 48 hours for me. I've got lots of new followers and there have also been more pre-orders for the book, which is really exciting and really scary in equal measure. I'm absolutely loving writing but there are always challenges along the way, which I'm learning from. I hope that when it does finally hit the shelves in the year 2087 that your ancestors enjoy it. Oh and I should probably just clear up that I'm not actually the new host of Loose Women. Yet. xx

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Colin Josephs
 Colin Josephs says:

I regard being a pleb as a sort-of promotion, so no offence taken.
Ps. I’m running out of old Viz Annuals to read. Get a wiggle on!

posted 15th September 2022

David Ashby
 David Ashby says:

As an almost valued customer I'm delighted you (well someone) still communicates with me. 2087? I might live that long just to spite you. Best wishes

posted 15th September 2022

Melanie Taylor
 Melanie Taylor says:

Dear Very Important Becky, us smelly plebs are waiting with our halitosis laden breath properly baited!
If you get a minute from being very Important, we'd love you to continue with the book....only if you have time of course. I'm sure I speak for us all in saying that we completely understand that your priorities have changed now you're on the verge of international stardom!

posted 15th September 2022

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