Keanu Reeves Is Not In Love With You

I know what you’re thinking: “for goodness sake Holmes, you’ve been banging on about writing a book for ages - get on with it”. I can’t argue with that and I promise you I’m trying! If you pledge to buy a first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons, I’ll be just that little bit closer!

Come on, admit it, you love a game of bingo. It’s OK. Don’t be ashamed. We all do! With this bingo game you don’t even have to leave the house - sit in your pyjamas, One Foot in the Grave on the telly, Cinzano in one hand, dabber in the other, and play Scammer Bingo. If you get a line, celebrate by eating a whole box of chocolates to yourself without Gladys from the local Gala Bingo hall there to judge you.

You’ll get a signed, laminated scammer bingo board with dabber, plus a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.

Get hold of a Becky Holmes original! You know how some people buy a piece of art and then it turns out to be worth a fortune when the artist makes a name for themself? Well, this is nothing like that because my stuff is crap. But you should definitely pledge for this anyway. After a half-hour phone consultation, I will hand-draw you an “official document" of your choice, just like I do for the scammers. Perhaps you want a marriage certificate between you and a Hollywood heart-throb, alternatively you might need a bank transfer receipt or maybe you could simply do with a £10 iTunes voucher. Don’t worry - I’ve got you covered.

As well as a Tate Modern-worthy piece of original art, you’ll also get a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.

Only 20 available.

This pledge level is for very busy people who don’t want to have to spend time making choices. Just like Queen, they want it all and they want it now! I imagine they are making their pledge whilst on a commuter train, buying and selling shares on one tablet, bidding on an antique table with another and mentally weighing up the best guacamole recipe for Saturday night’s dinner party.

These go-getters will receive the “Keanu Reeves Doesn’t Love Me” mug; an original fake document drawn by me after a chat on the phone plus a signed, first-edition copy of the book, with their name in the back among the list of patrons.

Only 10 available.

Have you ever wondered what the inside of my flat looks like? Do I have celebrities stuffed into cupboards and army Generals sellotaped to the ceiling? Well here’s your chance to find out because this pledge is for a Skype call with me, and the only place I can do that from is my sofa.

I am saying now that this Skype call will be about how the book was put together, why I decided to write it and the world of online romance scammers in general, but I have quite a short attention span so it could end up being about what I’m having for dinner. What a thrilling chat that would be for you. Don’t worry though, you’ll also get a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, the ebook and your name in the back of the book among the list of patrons.

Only 10 available.

What could possibly be better than a book? Well, 10 signed, first-edition copies to read with your book club or friends of course! Not only that but we can all chat about it for an hour on video call. You can ask me whatever you like about the book and/or romance fraud. Actually sod it, you can ask me whatever you like about anything. I can even give you the well thought-out reasons behind my phobia of bananas if you like - and I’m telling you now, you’ll not look at a banana the same way again.

As well as the paperbacks you’ll also get 10 ebooks and up to 10 names in the back of the book.

Only 2 available.

Who out there has £500 in their bank that they simply despise and want rid of? Don’t you go worrying any more - I will go out of my way to help relieve you of that money. I am astonishingly good like that and I don’t even expect any thanks in return. It’s enough that I’ll have helped you.

Joking aside, this is a big pile of money so alongside my eternal thanks, you’ll receive the “Keanu Reeves Doesn’t Love Me” mug and tote bag (yes, you read that right - a tote bag you lucky sod); the signed scammer bingo board; an original fake certificate by me, plus a signed, first-edition paperback copy of the book, with a special thanks at the front of the book.

Only 3 available.

Calling all you secretly rich people (or you people who are willing to go out and hold-up your local post office to raise a grand). Don’t spend your cash on Cartier watches, holidays to Mauritius or a new kitchen. Those are simply awful ways of parting with your cash. Didn’t you know that all the really cool people are putting their money towards getting books published? No? You hadn’t heard that? Ah well it’s lucky that I’m here to tell you then.

On a serious note, a massive chunk of money like that would go a long way towards funding the publication of the book. I’m quite an emotional person so it would make me cry, so if you’ve always wanted to make me cry then this is perfect for you. Pledging at this level means you will receive a special, personalised, gushing thank you from me at the front of the book. Plus you’ll receive the “Keanu Reeves Doesn’t Love Me” mug and tote bag; the signed scammer bingo board; an original fake document drawn in my own fair hand, a Skype chat with me to discuss the making of the book (although let’s face it, for a thousand pounds we can talk about whatever you damn well please), and 10 signed, first-edition copies of the book.

Only 3 available.

I’m going to go a bit serious for this pledge level because it’s for businessy people who, unlike me, know how to use Excel and whose footwear isn’t exclusively trainers, wellies or flip flops.

Romance fraud is a HUGE problem world-wide and has been on the increase for years, with a sharp rise during and since the pandemic. People’s lives are being ruined every day by these scams - not just financially but also psychologically. Despite this, very little is being done. Grrrrrrr!

If you run an organisation where you feel people would be interested in the subject, I can do something tailor-made for you. It could be a bulk deal on books, a presentation to your team either in person or online or maybe your organisation being a sponsor if relevant.

I’m happy to chat (alongside someone from Unbound who knows far more about things than I do) and see if there is a way that we can work together. Email support@unbound.co.uk for more.