Do you, Edna Constance Bathsheba, take Stephen John Elvis to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Reader, I married him. Or e-reader, I married him, if you prefer. For after many, many years of marriage and many, many children, I’ve decided it’s only fair to share my unparalleled expertise and deepest secrets with you in my new book, How To Have an Almost Perfect Marriage.
Of course, the ‘him’ to whom I refer is my current husband, Stephen. You may be aware of his numerous books, his countless television shows and his enormous intellect. You probably know he spends his time travelling endlessly, attending operas, meeting famous stars of stage and screen and visiting tribespeople in the remotest corners of the globe. That’s if you read all that rubbish he writes on Twitter, anyway - honestly, that man’s imagination!
If you frequent the Dog & Duck, however, you’ll know the truth. Or the Red Lion. Or Kev’s kebab van. Because that’s where you’ll almost certainly find him. Not dining at the Ritz or filming something about wizards in New Zealand and certainly not at home helping me take care of our five children. Or is it six? Actually, it might be seven now . . .
Of course, you can’t realistically expect to have a marriage as perfect as ours, which is why I’ve called the book How To Have an Almost Perfect Marriage, but whether you’re a husband-, wife- or divorcee-to-be or just simply Fry-curious, you’ll learn everything you need to know, and quite a lot you don’t, about the most wonderful years of your life as these nine chapters guide you through every aspect of marriage from proposal to divorce, enhanced by my own candid diary entries, incomparable poems and world famous mouth- and eye-watering recipes . . .
Finding Mr or Miss Right
Where and how hard to look. The perils and pleasures of internet-dating, speed-dating and hanging around bus stations.
The Big Day
Including extracts from my own wedding diary, stag & hen dos and don’ts and a handy cut-out-and-keep 'delete as applicable' best man’s speech and wedding vows.
The Way to a Man/Woman’s Heart
Tantalising recipes and emergency surgery procedures.
An Englishman/woman’s Home
The joys of housework, including how best to sweep things under the carpet.
Between the Sheets
Warning: implicit. Including extracts from the Joy of Abstinence and the Calmer Suitor, DIY marital aids and how to fake everything from a headache to an interest in football.
The Patter of Tiny Feet
A step-by-naughty-step guide to childcare, including the pros and cons of childhood obesity and an A-to-Z list of baby names from Asbo to Zafira.
Getting Away From It All
A guide to family holiday destinations like Lagerland and 99p World and an in-depth look at the importance of hobbies in a marriage, such as Stephen’s (karaoke, lager and lying on the sofa scratching himself) and mine (haute cuisine, poetry and sitting alone on the kitchen floor at night switching the light on and off).
Special events from birthdays to anniversaries and getting through Christmas without police intervention.
A Problem Shared
The seven-year itch (and where to get it treated) and a handy guide to divorce. Plus a special Ask Edna section, where I answer some of your questions.
So, whether you want the perfect engagement, marriage, Valentine or Christmas gift or just to save your marriage, say 'I do' and pledge to join me in bringing this book to life!
Love Edna (Fry) (Mrs) x
Wedding anniversaries can be difficult occasions. To celebrate one properly can take weeks of preparation and years of being married to someone.
(with deep gratitude and sincere apologies to dear Dr. Seuss)
Every Twit down in Twitville
Liked Twitter a lot,
But the Frynch,
Who lived just North of London,
The Frynch hated Twitter!
The whole Twitmas season.
Now please don’t ask why,
No-one quite knows the reason.
It could be his laptop
Wasn’t plugged in quite right,
It could be perhaps
That his pants were…
These people are helping to fund How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage.