Saturday, 9 February 2019
You’re my Number One
Actually, no. Wait. I got that wrong. Sorry! The Little Girl Who Gave Zero Fucks is Amazon’s number one! Like, an actual number one bestseller. The Little Girl Who Gave Zero Fucks became an Amazon Number One bestseller this week, which due to the absence of any kind of marketing budget has blown my mind a little.
But you are important, of course, and deserve to be high-fived by lady luck every day for the rest of your life. You’re not my number one, because Beyoncé is, but you’re not far behind. Like, number 14 or 15.
A call for characters, loud and true
In the shape of an Amazon review
Literature – especially the kind with crazy illustrations and rhyming profanities – can be divisive, and that’s totally cool. But if you bought or were gifted The Little Girl Who Gave Zero Fucks, and liked it, then I’d love if you could write a wee Amazon review. It’s too hard to have adverts, what with the word fuck, so I mostly rely on word of mouth. They don’t even need to be long reviews: all that's needed is a few words or lines that might make other people consider it, too.
Apparently, something other-worldly is unlocked when you reach fifty reviews on Amazon… the sky rains glitter and all the bad people fall off the edge of the world. Also, I think Amazon pay 50+ reviewees more attention, like you’re a real fucking contender, not just a naïve schmuck with a pipe dream and a fountain pen.
God makes an exception so that dogs live forever
British people stop whining about rainy weather
Politicians tell truths, traffic wardens turn jovial
When fifty people deliver a glowing Amazon testimonial
Food has no calories and vegan products taste great
Liam and Noel Gallagher decide to become mates
Scientists finally discover cute lifeforms on Mars
When I get fifty bundles of five golden stars.
Er… so it’d be pretty fucking dark of you NOT to write a review. Think of what you’re denying the world! So thank you, in advance. The link is here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Girl-Gave-Zero-Fucks/dp/1783526459
Finally, I wanted to let you know that I’ve started writing poems, upon demand, for cash. Not because I need the cash but because people need poems. £40 a pop for a totally personalized, rhyming ode to someone you love. Or hate, I guess. That could be fun. I’ve been doing ‘em for shits and gigs, birthdays, anniversaries and little girls who have just been born. If you want one just email firstname.lastname@example.org and we can make magic happen. By way of example, here’s one I wrote for a little baby, called Margot.
Poems often make people cry. And so if you want to make someone cry - even if it's a baby - give me a shout.
That’s all! Lots of love, and keep zero fuckin’
Signed, with Zero Fucks