Monday, 30 November 2020
As we near the end of November we start to get to that introspective time of year with Christmas and New Year on the horizon, but before that is a much more significant date, but I´ll come to that later.
Around this time of year in 1997, my life was in flux. The end of September has seen me moving out of the house I had shared with Emma and the children, I had planned to have more time to prepare for this but it hadn´t worked out. I won´t go into the reasons why as I have to leave something for you to read. So October had seen me sorting out things and taking a break in Amsterdam, and I had been out for the first time in a few months as Theresa (also the first time I was to meet my future wife Helen). Theresa had become more present in my thoughts since my visit to Manchester in the summer, and I now with now living on my own, I had the opportunity to spend more time as her.
Here is a small extract from the draft of Falling Upwards describing those few days.
As I walked along I digested everything I had learnt over the last few months, there were still some pieces missing, and I didn’t have all the corner pieces of the puzzle but more was starting to fit, the childhood daydreams of having the magical ring which could transform me in a girl, and the one about going into hospital for something like appendicitis and ending up having full gender reassignment surgery. The compulsion to dress as a woman and how comfortable I felt in doing so, the fact that I wasn’t really that much into the more fetish, and sex orientated side of things. I didn’t really have the physical dysphoria at this point, but then I wasn’t well developed in that area, and to be frankly honest. I’m not 100% sure if I had properly gone through male puberty, I never developed much facial hair apart from a smattering here and there, and I don’t think I ever had a single chest hair. Even now I wasn’t what you would call manly.
When I finally got home, I was still conflicted and it was late so I decide to sleep on things and maybe the light of day would bring a clearer picture. Well, it did. I got up poured myself a coffee powered up the computer and started to type.
Over the last few weeks, I have done a lot of deep and meaningful soul searching deciding where I fit in this crazy mixed-up world in which we live. Over the last few months, Theresa has become a more and more important feature in my life to the point where I believe that Theresa is who I really am and that I must start the long and winding road to transition. I am still not 100% sure of my choice as yet, but at the moment this is the way I feel.
I will probably hang back from making a final decision at the moment, as I have had a pretty traumatic year with the loss of my mother, grandmother and the breakup of me relationship after 4 years, so I will wait until the new year before deciding one way or the other.
I did briefly touch on the issue last night with my ex last night, I told her that at the moment I do not know who I am and I feel as if there are 2 people inside my head, but did not tell he that one of them is female ;-). I also told her that I was going to see a specialist in London ( I bet you can guess who;-o )
She said she would help me through no matter what, but I don’t know how far that will go. But I am still not sure if I can ever go back anyway even though she promises that things will be different.
I have also decided it was time Theresa had a full name so from now on Theresa will be Theresa Jo-anne Davis.
Well, that's the end of my post for now. See you at the Philbeach on Monday those of you who are going, And any of you that are going to be in Manchester next weekend see you there too.
Theresa Jo-anne Davis
Once I had hit the send button, I finished my coffee, lit a cigarette and leaned back in the chair, I had well and truly done it, I had finally declared to the group and more importantly to myself that Yes I was trans, even though at the time there were somethings missing in terms of the standard narrative that I had read. which I now know were there, just at the time were masked from me by the trauma of abuse and the isolation of my upbringing. I was to get some more reinforcement in a few days, but right now I had more pressing matters, I had several parties to go to and nothing to wear. At the time I only had a few things, a couple of skirts and tops that I had appropriated from Emma when I moved out. I don’t think she knew as they were things she hadn’t worn in ages and had been hidden in my part of the wardrobe for several months before we spilt. Luckily we were both about the same build, well apart from the obvious, which I used to compensate for by a “socks change“ ie I would use a pair of heavy woollen socks to pad the bra. This did however mean that I knew what size clothes would fit me. So I set off to raid the charity shops around town for bargains, and there was one little thing I was particularly looking for.
The trip out on Monday was going to be a huge revelation, but I won't spoil the surprise.
So to bring things back to the beginning also in December is my birthday, on the 20th just a few days before Christmas. It would be really nice if we could get to 50% in time for my 50th birthday, and to help there is a code BIRTHDAY10 which will give you 10% off all pledges (under £100) from the 1st December until the 21st. So please pledge or support by sharing...
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