Falling Upwards

By Theresa Davis

A moving memoir about family, addiction, transitioning and living authentically.

Monday, 13 July 2020

Best made plans of mice and ...

The fundraiser for “Falling Upwards” has been running for two months now, I would like to be closer to the target than I am but we persevere because that is what I do when things are not going the way they were planned. 

Things not going to plan is almost a cornerstone of my life, but out of those failures have come the best revelations and opportunities that have guided my route in directions I would not have considered if I had stayed on the planned path.

This small extract from the draft of “Falling Upwards” is one of the biggest falls of my life, but preceded the biggest moment of my life that would change it forever.

After the service, we went back to the house. Drank coffee and made small talk. Nothing earth-shattering or interesting, because my family are pretty boring and conventional. At a point in the afternoon, Win pulled me to one side to talk to me about mums will and my inheritance, mum had been clear that it should go for me and not squandered away by Emma. I told Win that it would be best if all correspondence about it should be sent to me at work as that was the one place that I could guarantee that mail could not be intercepted. She told me I would be getting a thousand pounds the same as everyone else. 
Soon it was time for me to get the bus back to Northampton, little did I know that this would be the last time I would see any of my family for a considerable number of years. This time unlike the last I had a plan, I would use the money that I would get from mum to find myself a place and then tell Emma I was leaving. Having somewhere to go would enable me to know that if at the point I told her I was going she flipped and kicked me out I would have somewhere to go.
You know that famous line, best-laid plans of mice and men. Yes, things didn’t go to plan. In fact, it all went wrong. I received the cheque in the post at the university where I was working and made sure it was put in my savings account that I had exclusive access to. I was intending to start looking in the next week for a reasonable flat that I could afford. 
But later that week it all went horribly wrong, the cat was let out of the bag. One evening my sister phoned me at home, I took the phone and went upstairs to take the call. My sister asked if I had got the money, I told her I had and then spoke about my plans regarding the flat and leaving Emma. Little did I know that Emma was listening in on another extension after I hung up from talking to Sarah she went ballistic. she was screaming at me with such an intensity, and I was genuinely scared what she might do, I barricaded myself in the kids' bedroom. 
After a while, her Dad came down and I agreed that I would come out and talk. I tried to talk to Emma about how I felt and how I wasn’t sure not only what I wanted any more, but who I was. This may have been the first time that I had spoken to her about what I was beginning to feel at the time. Although I didn’t mention that the who I was also referring to what gender I was, I just considered my little secret hobby as cross-dressing and that was it. I had no intention at that time to go any further. I tried to explain the feelings I had of non-existence, of going through the motions of life without honestly feeling anything, however, this fell on deaf ears, I was outnumbered and outgunned. I was delivered an ultimatum if I was going to go, I had to go by the next weekend. 
The following days were understandably tense. I tried desperately to find a place by the weekend, in the end, I did manage to find something it wasn’t great but all I could get at the short notice. So that following weekend I packed what was “My” belongings into a transit van, and drove to the other side of Northampton and moved into a small one-room bedsit on the ground floor of a converted industrial unit. 
This little flat was to be my sanctuary for a while, little did I know at the time but great changes were on the cards, and that my stay here would be brief, but so pivotal in where my life would go. Here I was, I had lost my mother, I had lost my girlfriend and kids, the house that I had helped to make into a home. I had no money. I had lost it all, the one thing left was work, and that would be threatened soon. I had fallen hard and I was at rock bottom, the only possible direction was upwards. 


So Thank you to all those who have supported so far and please share it around and help make my dream become a reality.

Finally, a little reminder that I have promised all my royalties from this book will be donated to a trans charity.

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