Daniel’s father wants to kill him. It’s something of a family tradition.
Luckily, he’s a survivor. But with his thirty-two stone psychotic police sergeant father concocting ever more obscure methods of killing him, Daniel needs to find a way to save himself. Unfortunately for him, his mother isn’t of much help – she’s abandoned the family home to live out her life as a mermaid. School offers no respite, either – the school bully, Dorsal Grellman, is an eight year old that looks like an elephant on steroids, and he’s made torturing Daniel his daily project.
But after Daniel makes friends with Ferris, a brilliant but irritating genius who manages to befriend Dorsal, the three embark on a journey to discover the source of Daniel’s father’s rage, reunite his family and find a place for themselves in the world.
Ex is black comedy like you’ve never read it before. An imaginatively absurd, fantastically vivid account of one boy’s day-to-day struggle to avoid annihilation. It takes you on a voyage down the Thames on the world’s largest and most deadly wooden potato. Along the way you’ll meet an outrageous array of characters: from a flock of swearing ducks to a cappuccino-swigging lion, a grandmother with a predilection for murdering superheroes to the world’s least successful hostage negotiator.
Ex is one of the wildest, funniest, and most violent books you’ll ever read – it makes Kill Bill look like Toy Story. If you’re squeamish, stay far away, but if you’ve ever laughed at others' misfortune, or relished a moment of gratuitous, unnecessary violence, then this is the book for you.
For Every £20 You Pledge, £5 Goes to Charity:
Despite its violence and its humour, Ex is a book which carries at its heart a message of hope for children who face and overcome incredible adversity. That’s why the author has decided to match pledges with donations to Shooting Star Chase Children's Hospice.
Shooting Star Chase is a leading children’s hospice charity, caring for babies, children and young people with life-limiting conditions. Whether lives are measured in days, weeks, months or years, staff of the hospice are there to make every moment count, support families from diagnosis to end of life and throughout bereavement with a range of nursing, practical, emotional and medical care.
Their support is free of charge to families and available 365 days a year. But it costs £9.5 million a year just to maintain their current level of care and with only 10% of that income coming from government funding they rely on their supporters’ generosity to keep the service running.
Saturday had arrived, as Saturdays do, and Daniel woke to the sound of his father sharpening a meat cleaver over his bed and singing the aria “One Fine Day” from Puccini’s Madame Butterfly. Nothing out of the ordinary there, then.
Before Drake became a zoo keeper in the gorilla enclosure of London Zoo he had spent quite a long period of time in prison. Drake was in prison for two reasons - firstly he had helped George Skin save the world (for the first time) and secondly they had been caught.
Tiberius Drake’s formative years were relatively uneventful. After making an exquisitely imperceptible impact on the world of…
I cannot believe it but I sent the final edit of Ex to Luke last night having written an extra chapter. There is likely to be a little bit more editing to come I expect - we still have to send it off to the wonderful people in the good ship Unbound for their approval but Luke is talking about the cover designer reading it now so this is getting real.
Now, Slaughterhouse-Five came in at…
So, I finally met the wonderful Kate from Shooting Star. M y dear friend Lee Playle - a brilliant graphic artist, wrote out the giant cheque and we trooped down the road with Catherine my wife. The local press were there - they can't resist a giant cheque.
We are getting close to the final edit. Luke has sent another version back to me and we are getting really close to…
When I first decided to start working with Unbound I had in mind to try to provide an image of what M would look like to me and to do so in the form of a short film showing him in action. We know he is a 32 stone police officer and I was close to using a man who was over 30 stone who was also a sumo wrestler before I was introduced to Good King Hal who is an official Henry the VIII…
The wonderful Oliver 'my son' Breckon has finished his work on our promo film and the link is below.
Thanks again to the big man himself - King Hal who plays Ex and to my nephew Sam and his wonderful lady partner Caroline.
My role in this film is on the cutting room floor which is bloody typical.
On the day that Rosalind died
my sisters and I
stood in straight alignment
like 3 celestial bodies in syzygy
carried the void she left in our lives
on our shoulders
to my airing cupboard
where we hid it
in the snicket
between the bath towels
and the torn curtains
we do not have the heart
to throw away
Hi all - those generous people at Unbound will enter anyone who pledges now into a free prize draw to attend the launch party. Please help me over this final hurdle.
Her voice was like
the Siberian air masses
the eastern slopes of the Urals
She worked the tables
in the kind of bar
which claims to be in Gdansk
but isn't in Gdansk.
It had been fashioned from the
of a giant beetle
with toilet facilities
in the tip of the carapace
I was on my way to Kyiv
Well, the promo film has been shot. Ollie who is a producer from Channel 4 did the filming, Mike - the big man who is playing 'M' and my nephew and Caroline his lady-person all played their roles and there is a cameo from yours truely.
The wonderful Ollie (not to be confused with the wonderful Marcia) (not that you could confuse Ollie, a Channel 4 TV producer who lives in London, with my cousin Marcia an artist who lives in New York but since they both have 'wonderful' in their names I did not want to take a risk) and I have been planning to make a short promo film for Ex for some months now. There were a number of issues. Firstly…
She wore red sequinned shoes
and every now and again she
and part of her right eye
When she sat down beside me
in the train carriage
she was like an occupying army
laying siege to the armrest
erecting pontoon bridges
across my leg space
My fingers were forced to abandon my laptop to an uncertain fate
until I gave the impression
of a man in prayer
Congratulations Marcia Miller for making the pledge that got me down to 99 pledges required - you now have a character named after you in "Ex". All I am going to say is, I hope you don't like ant eaters. Marcia has become pledge obsessed and lets me know whenever we gain another percentage point. Quite simply, her support has kept me going whenever I have flagged. She is currently in Cape Cod with…
I am still adding material to the book and am currently writing a new chapter. I will name a character in the book after the person who gets me down to 99 pledges - I an either use their name or a name of their choice (their child, dog, llama - there are llamas everywhere you know - open your eyes - I saw one today in Hounslow town centre sitting on a park bench playing a viola) (although to be fair…
We have managed to raise over £600 for the hospice in five weeks! The money raised so far could pay for a sensory day for children with very complex needs. Both the family and the child can experience a range of themed sensory activities. Those of you who have pledged have paid for this and Shooting Star have asked me to thank you all for your incredbile generosity and kindness.
For those of you…
I returned home on Christmas Eve
to find the house
which had been punctuated by a thousand
when I left
I reached for the light switch
but there was only your hand
and your embrace
It was the gateway to a garden
where every living thing
“When we were first together”
you told me
your eyes as dangerous as feral…
"Don't fuck with me or I will hurt you."
Her voice was grey green
like the bruises
the rain leaves on a forest floor
She pressed the tip
of her home made shank
just beside my oesophagus
until butterfly kisses of blood
tattooed my collar
I could grasp
only a snapshot of her face
through the corner of my right eye
it was cratered and indistinct
as if it were a facet…
The day before
the day before
I was the charismatic but ruthless leader
of a hundred thousand
as they battled
a rag-tag mercenary army
of astronauts, medieval knights and GI's
for supremacy over our
settee and coffee table
You were not witness
to this senseless internecine carnage
because you were at the office
it latterly transpired
I thought I would share a bit of my work - I write music, take photographs and write poetry and I wanted to share some of this with you.
I have attached a sound file of "World of Fantasy" a song written by myself and the very wonderful Mark Donegan, sung by Thea.
This is a photograph taken in Porto earlier this year which I was pleased with.
This is a poem written in 2011…
She has the kind of
throat burstingly cruel
that makes men's eyes bleed
and women strafe their faces
You need a shot
of pure hypoxic helium nitrate
just to speak to her
and when her eyes
fall upon yours
it is as if you are being
atom by atom
like the febrile
rising from a
She does not have a name
it is not necessary…
Well we are getting there - day 9 and I can see what my life is going to be like - at court today I approached a solicitor and a Barrister and got them to pledge as I was standing over them. I only have to do that another 243 times!!!!!
She has contacted no less than 37 friends and encouraged them to pledge. She has a heart the size of a mountain and she is really my unnoficial third sister. Marsha is in New York but when my mother passed away in April she was by our sides in under 24 hours. This process is really showing me how special some of the people I know are.
Well week one has come and gone. The generosity and support from places and people I had never expected has been incredible. I will go in to my local Shooting Star Hospice shop to say hello this weekend and arrange to visit the Hospice itself.
My cousins have been amazing - Marsha from the USA, Louise and Louis - he has started a campaign on Facebook. This process really does encourage special…
These people are helping to fund Ex.