Evil Machines

By Terry Jones

A darkly funny set of linked tales about vengeful phones and hoovers

Monday, 9 May 2011

Hello, Good Evening and Welcome

Well how lovely to see you here.

Firstly, I should thank-you for having the devil-may-care audacity to buy a book that hasn't quite been written yet. With your help it will be. You can now relax and enjoy watching me write it. I, on the other hand, have some serious work to do. Not that it will be very serious you understand. In fact most of it will be very silly. Well that's what you get for buying an unwritten book I suppose.

Do look in here whenever you're passing and find out how I'm doing. Your book will be along shortly...

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Dan Kieran
 Dan Kieran says:

Hi Terry, looking forward to updates on your progress. Growing up we had a lawnmower with a mind of it's own. It had a tendency to scoot forward suddenly for no reason. Massacred my mum's pansies on more than one occasion. Thinking about it, I've never lived anywhere since with a garden that had grass in it. Must have traumatised my sub conscious more than I thought.


posted 21st May 2011

Simon Downs
 Simon Downs says:

Hello, I've just paid up for a hardback copy so now you have my money I expect daily pictures of you sat at your desk writing with a copy of that days newspaper next to you as authentication ;0)

posted 29th May 2011

Mark Dixon
 Mark Dixon says:

Terry, I've just committed to help fund your book and for this I get two signed copies of the book and lunch with you, superb!

I look forward to the book, the updates but most of all; lunch!


posted 31st May 2011

Colin Reynolds
 Colin Reynolds says:

(Dammit... 'Dear Mr Jones?' 'Terry'?... things were so much easier in them olden days...)

G'day, Bruce.

I've long believed that all machines are evil. They're all out to get me, I know that for a fact. Computers are the worst. They can sense my touch on the keyboard, I tell you. Or maybe they have a sixth sense, or something; whatever it is, they seem able to smell me a mile off. And then they go wrong -- and I mean WRONG.

It's about time we had someone of your calibre expose their nefarious activities. It's essential that something is done before they get it into their heads to gang up on me. Err... I mean 'us'.

May writer's block never crease your forehead.

Best wishes,

Colin (not an Australian)

posted 31st May 2011

Flo Swann
 Flo Swann says:

Stop reading this Terry and DO SOME WORK 8-)

posted 31st May 2011

Martyn Davies
 Martyn Davies says:

I'm looking forward to your new book, Terry! Let's hope you get to write it...

posted 1st June 2011

Helena Hollis
 Helena Hollis says:

Short stories that fit together are a rare thing indeed! Mine tend to stubbornly stay well apart, like polarised magnets. In fact, I think they have some evil intentions of their own... Perhaps I need to find a machine to tame them, but then I suspect that all machines (like the nice bomb) are helplessly evil at heart. I'm still nervously awaiting the day that my laptop snaps shut on my hands and devours them. It's humming to itself thinking about it, I can tell.

I am looking forward to a nice, safe, paper copy of your book!

posted 2nd June 2011

Colin Reynolds
 Colin Reynolds says:

G'day Terry

In case you're in need of inspiration I just stumbled upon 'Electrosmog', written and directed by Ant Poussa, which is playing tonight (Friday 3Jun2011) at the Strawberry Shorts Film Festival in Cambridge (UK).

Electrosmog is described as "A day in the life of a man, who is relentlessly surrounded by technology, and its horrible effects on him." Should be right up your street. Well, perhaps not literally. And mine, come to that, but unfortunately I can't go to see it tonight.

Info on tonight's screenings: http://cinema-shorts.org/events/strawberryshorts2011/programme1/; IMDM info at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1617106/

posted 3rd June 2011

Ross Price
 Ross Price says:

It's just like Christmas, and I can't wait to open my present. ?;^}

posted 7th June 2011

Ben Walker
 Ben Walker says:

I can literally not wait to read your book. Literally.

posted 7th June 2011

Rickard Stampe Söderström
 Rickard Stampe Söderström says:

Just joined your book writing project and I am looking forward reading and following your progress with your book. For some strange reason I feel already a part of it, even tough I´m just paying for it. It is just so exciting the whole thing!

By the way, I have also had some encounters with "Evil Machines" in the past. For instance I meet a boat motor that just died on you when you were at the middle of the sea. After that you could spend hours pulling the starting cord until your hands literally bleed. It was just the grumpiest of motors! After some hours shipwrecked like that some old nice fisherman usually came and helped me. The grumpy motor started on his first try of course, just to make me look silly.

posted 8th June 2011

Paul Cook
 Paul Cook says:

With only 9% of the target met so far, I am concerned that the project will fail. :(
Terry - if the target is not met, please tell us you will still write the book, using more traditional publishing methods.

posted 14th June 2011

Nichola Winney
 Nichola Winney says:

Hi Terry, another devil-may-care stranger to add to your growing list.
Has it ever occurred to you, how our lives are controlled by the beeps and bells that come from these machines? Think about it, from the time we rise - awoken by the clock, making coffee/breakfast - usually beeped at by the coffer perker or the microwave; getting into the car which beeps incessantly until you put your seat belt on. Walking through the door to work with your security card reader beeping; opening your computer; getting cash from the ATM - beep, beep BEEP...the list goes on and on. Hell, WE even beep when we don't want to hear nasty words!

Do any of your machines have this maniacal tendency - I'm sure they do, you just haven't heard them yet!!

Hope you have great fun writing your book, can't wait for you to share the results.

posted 17th June 2011

Colin Reynolds
 Colin Reynolds says:

As Paul says, I think the idea here is that Terry only gets the 'Go' signal if there's enough support for the project. If there's not, then there's no 'Go' signal and Evil Machines doesn't happen (not via the Unbound route anyway).

Nichola - you've reminded me of an old blog post of mine: http://pendantry.wordpress.com/2007/06/28/lets-play-talk-to-a-human/

As evil machines go, I vote for interactive voice systems as the worst of the worst. (Unemployment too high? Simple answer: sack the answering machines!)

posted 17th June 2011

Nichola Winney
 Nichola Winney says:

Colin, how funny - I've been on the end of that phone so many times!

posted 18th June 2011

Dave Russell
 Dave Russell says:

Hi Terry,

I hope the project reaches it's goal. I love your work. Looking forward to reading the book at some time in the future (Hopefully)

posted 19th June 2011

Gary Foster
 Gary Foster says:

On the subject of lawn mowers.

I recently purchased a 'cordless lawn mower'. It has been a terrific boon in my life, but I worry about it's autonomous nature.

The 24v Battery is easily removed (for charging of course), but sans battery it appears to take on a most desultory appearance.

I worry terribly that once I install the fully charged battery pack it will decide that cutting grass is beneath it, and disappear into the woodlands to seek out more challenging adventures.

The poor bugger won't last long, battery only lasts 15 minutes.

posted 23rd June 2011

Andrew McNicol
 Andrew McNicol says:

Very interested in the book and would like to become a supporter. I'm just wondering, though, whether you'd be releasing it through Unbound in DRM-free ebook format?

(Unbound are putting DRM status in the hands of authors, which is a great idea. But it's just not quick and easy to find out this information yet.)

Thanks, and good luck!

posted 27th June 2011

Ekaterina Berova
 Ekaterina Berova says:

Can't wait for that lunch! ;)))) Hope the book will happen *fingers crossed*

posted 30th June 2011

Paula Alvarez
 Paula Alvarez says:

Yeap, more than 50%! I wish be in UK to pay for the lunch pack. That would be great.
Still I'll have my book!

posted 5th July 2011

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