Architectural Top Tens
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Welcome to my shed. Thank you so much for pledging. Although my architecture columns have never been intellectually load-bearing, they have been very important to me. For 26 years now I’ve been banging them out every week. I’m really chuffed about this Unbound compilation of some of the really good ones.
I’m supposed to entertain you privately here, in my shed, which feels a bit fucking creepy to be honest. I suppose I should maintain the architectural theme, so here are a few Architectural Top Tens for you, my lovely lovely pledgers…
TOP 10 ARCHITECTURAL STYLES
1. Clinically Depressed Gothic.
2. Defibrillated Constructivism.
4. High Definition Plasmic Blobulism.
5. Retrohyperventilated Freestyle.
6. Arts and Crafts and Photoshop.
7. Decarbonised Metabolism.
8. Fucking Enormous.
9. Evangelical Pointyism.
10. Fat Butch Genderqueer Pop-Up.
TOP 10 ARCHITECTURAL PENCILS
1. The Graphito by Banksy & Banksy.
2. Stubby Lines Jazz Doodlebug Pro.
3. Suzuki left-handed mechanical in B Minor.
4. The Böring Seminar Bullet Point.
5. Zaha Stiletto Space Probe 3000.
6. Fair Trade natural unpainted cedar pencil with pretend carbon.
7. The 2B Hamlet Soliloquy.
8. The Blairwrite Memo with sneery, retractable point.
9. Tarantino HB 5mm with smooth-barelled fixed eraser and ass-cap popper.
10. Wooden stylus dipped in own blood.
TOP 10 KEVIN MCCLOUD MOMENTS
1. Sceptical frown in beanie.
2. Quizzical pout in hard hat.
3. Chuckling at timetable.
4. Conspiratorial whispering in deserted Italian kitchen.
5. Facial paralysis after saying 'gosh'.
6. Squinting at recalcitrant German roof.
7. Caressing seasoned oak beam with faraway gaze.
8. Shimmy of head as 'spontaneous thought' occurs.
9. Sighing, forgetting to breathe in again, passing out.
10. Asking 'but will it...work?' then getting hit in fucking face by plank.
TOP 10 ARCHITECTURAL YOUTUBE CLIPS
1. Igloos melting to a poignant soundtrack.
2. Menacing Russian cartoon featuring dancing skyscrapers.
3. Armed urbanism workshop at University of Pennsylvania.
4. Wind turbines apparently chatting to each other in Swedish.
5. Original World Trade Center under reconstruction in Minecraft.
6. Man being eaten by interactive carpet.
7. Freak weather battering the Scottish coast, then deep-frying it.
8. Homeless people dancing for soup in Parliament Square.
9. Frank Gehry in a leather jacket singing Born To Run.
10. Toddler's high-speed parkour run at Babbacombe Model Village.
TOP 10 NEW ECO-TOWNS
1. High Purberley.
2. Greenham Conyers.
3. Sustainby Neuterall.
7. Greywater Butts.
9. Reuseable Bagshot.
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