Sunday, 14 March 2021
Family News Round Robin
We’ve reached the final stages of our book’s crowdfunding campaign thanks to a lot of lovely people and we’re now aiming to hit 100% by World Sleep Day (March 19), when we can put our feet up and relax. Consequently we’re having one last burst of reminding anyone who meant to pledge, but hasn’t got round to it - because let’s face it, we have a lot in common with those people - that this is the time to do it and help us get it over the line.
In the meantime we thought you might appreciate an update on some of the characters you will be meeting in the book.
The Dulwich Raider
The Dulwich Raider has been photographing a pub every day and sticking it up the internet. Nothing on God’s green earth is going to stop him, unless he forgets.
“I’m basically just checking they are all still there,” he says.
A stickler for rules, he’s been getting his daily exercise by skipping to licensed, sadly closed, premises, before hydrating on a park bench with something nice. Although pubs are now deserts, taprooms now seem to be off-licenses, which is nice, if confusing. And it only gets more confusing after a litre of lovely cask ale.
“Little Tiberius and Ozymandias have excelled at High People College this year,” began the Dirty One, before remembering they weren’t his children.
Unable to share bar space with his nearest, dearest and dealer, rather than loudly lament the loss of company, Dirty South has not been visiting parks but rather strolling to out-of-the-way benches or fallen logs, in the hope of a sit-down, some silent contemplation and a go on a Thai stick. Some call it yoga. But he simply calls it Hot Thai Mega Power Yoga.
Then he goes home for tea and a bath. Or sometimes, he tells us, tea in the bath.
After wintering in the Pyrenees, Spider was arrested in Paris for what the French call being une twatte. First, the police ordered him out of the Seine, where he was swimming naked, having drunk a litre of wine for breakfast. He managed to charm his way out of a charge, promising to never go in the river again. So you can imagine their surprise when, a bottle later, the very same two gendarmes found he had climbed the Pont des Arts and was unable to get down without jumping in the river.
This time they fished him out and threw him in a cell for the night. In the morning his singing was as flamboyant as it was annoying, so they did themselves a favour and let him go. His priceless experience of life without working will be available to readers on publication of Shirk, Rest & Play.
Osman bought GameStop stock at £50, sold at £300, shorted it and rebought at £60. No, we don’t get it either but the upshot is he is considering buying an island and having exact replicas of his five favourite pubs built on it, next to a brewery, a cidery and an off-license.
Roxy has been brushing up on her coding skills and wrote a program to respond to her emails, join Teams meetings and ask unanswerable questions while she gets on with online poker in her onesie.
“Lockdown has been brilliant,” she says, “Now I just need to work on not turning up in real life.”
The estate of Half-life has come under tremendous pressure from the authorities after a Vermeer, three Degas and a Flinck were discovered at his council flat, along with a number of baffling pornographic etchings. The Met Police are also insisting on the return of a taser which he had always argued was for “personal use”.
The big man will be passing on his tips for good living in the new book, so do please head over to the Rewards page and help us hit our target.
You can upgrade your pledges and make further donations. Or simply help by spreading the word. Tell your friends, tell your family, buy your Christmas presents early. Or, indeed, late.
Travel not included