Publication date: March 2018
102% funded
251 backers
Cover of Death and the Elephant

A memoir about fighting cancer and gambling

  • Gambling addiction is an insidious disease that is all consuming, eats away at your insides and occupies your mind and your soul at every waking and sometimes sleeping moment.
  • Cancer is an insidious disease that is all consuming, eats away at your insides and occupies your mind and your soul at every waking and sometimes sleeping moment.

It is Monday June 12th 1995. My 28th birthday. I am a lost, directionless gambling addict doing a job that is eating up every inch of any soul I had left. Tomorrow I will be diagnosed with Stage 4 sclerosing Mediastinal Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma of the large cell type.

After the diagnosis, I was far too busy trying to live each moment to the full, just in case living didn’t last that long, to imagine that out there in the future might be a 48-year-old theatre director with a story to tell.

I am Raz Shaw.

My life had been going nowhere. Until I was diagnosed with cancer.

And cancer saved my life. That is not hyperbole. It is, as far as I am concerned, a fact.

I was given the all clear from cancer in March 1996. I stopped gambling for good in April 1996. Those two truths are directly related though it took me a long time to learn quite how much and for that matter how.

After a year away recuperating. I turned my back on the highly paid telesales job that had devoured me and re-assimilated myself into the world of theatre. Re-acquainted myself with the things about that world that made me feel real, and heard and alive. And now I am ready to tell my story.

Death and the Elephant’ is a non-fiction glimpse at my experiences living through and beyond a life-threatening illness. And a gambling addiction. Then and now I had/have no ability to take life too seriously. Even in the seemingly most extreme of times.

If you can’t laugh, you can’t live. It’s the only way to make it through.

So this a book that charts my fight with cancer and gambling through a prism of perspective and irreverence. Cancer and gambling are heavyweights. They put up a helluva fight. But my chin is not made of glass and though I was knocked down many times I kept getting up to continue the battle. I am hoping this synopsis holds the only boxing metaphor in the entirety of the book. In fact, if you pledge right now I personally guarantee no more such references.

This is my story. It’s also a universal one. It’s an honest, funny, sometimes raw, often inappropriate glimpse into the life of a young man dealing with a life threatening illness in the only way he knew how. By laughing in its face.

I have been a theatre director for over 20 years. In fact, as you will discover if you pledge for this book, I was in the middle of rehearsing for my first ever professional production when I was diagnosed with cancer. I have directed plays in an array of theatres and locations from The South Bank to Salisbury to South Sudan. My work has ranged from new plays to the classics and everything in between. I have just directed the Pulitzer-prize winning play, WIT, by the brilliant Margaret Edson starring the equally brilliant Julie Hesmondhalgh. I have also made the first of what I hope will be a series of podcasts called Cancer Talk. You can find that and other bits and bobs on

Chemo Days

Ever since I was 11 years old I have vowed to keep a diary. I am 48 now. One day I am going to do it. It takes discipline and clarity plus the ability to be properly open and honest. On second thoughts, maybe it’s not for me! Twenty years ago, in the period I was ill, I didn’t keep an actual diary but I did process my thoughts in a periodical and methodical way. I think it helped me to experience the detail of the moment in the moment, however mad or hateful it was. Not to drift numbly through this experience, in other words, but to try to experience it to the max. After all, if I survive, I might end up writing a book about all this. Stranger things have happened. So whilst I didn’t write down the following chemo experiences at the time, it reads in my head as if I did so it’s only fair to share them with you in a first person, present tense 1995 kind of a way:

1) Today is Chemo day. I slept well last night. Like a child on Xmas eve. Excited about going to sleep in order to wake up to get his presents but with a knotted feeling of fear about the possibility of his presents being shit. Although I am not sure a seven year would have quite so much insight about his inner psychological make up.

2) Today is Chemo day. I try to open my eyes but they seem to be glued together. As I wrestle with my eyelids, I notice that I can’t really breathe. I have a granite bowling ball lodged in the back of my throat forcing down on me every time I try to open my larynx. My skin feels like it has turned itself inside out. My body is ganging up on me. I am lying in an Olympic pool of sweat.

3) Today is Chemo day. I might just lie here quite still forever. If I don’t move, try not to breathe and don’t try to open my eyes, all this might disappear. All this. Not just this. This now. But. ALL THIS. And up to now I have been dealing really well with all this.


Life. A team game?

Saturday, 13 August 2016

I have a big re-write to do of the book. Big. But life is getting in the way. Who knew that renovating a flat could be so stressful and time consuming? Who knew that decisions about warm white spotlights versus cool white spotlights could be so paralysing. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Olympics came along. Distraction destruction. So I have alloted myself October and November to write the next…

Blogs and Cancer and Thanks and Seas and Spiralisers and Stuff

Monday, 27 June 2016


It's been a month since I climbed aboard the good ship Unbound. And I'm pleased to report that the journey so far has been a good one.

Whoa! I am going to stop this cruise-ship/nautical metaphor right here. I know what I'm like. And so do a lot of you. We are just a few scribbles away from 'all you can eat buffet' references or 'swimming without a life-jacket' motifs or more likely, 'Brexit…

Social Solution
Social Solution asked:

Hi there,

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you directly. I have just been looking through the unbound books for potential authors to contact to offer my professional services. But I have to say the subject matter of your book really jumped out at me more for personal reasons. It's inspiring to see how going through such an awful health related trauma had such a positive impact on your life. Very sadly I lost two friends to cancer 18 months ago both in their 30's so it is so refreshing to see that it can have a positive impact. It would be great to see your book in print as I am sure it would inspire people going through a similar health situation.

My business partner and I are social media experts with strong publishing experience. Jude graduated has an MPhil in Publishing, then honed her copy writing, PR and editorial skills at Hodder and Stoughton publishing house. Her blog is also featured on Mumsnet, The Telegraph and The Huffington Post. I’m Clare and my background is marketing, I have a degree in marketing gained from Lancaster University. Together Jude and I managed the Social Media for Britain’s Next Bestseller (BNBS) a publishers that uses a crowdfunding based model to help new authors to get in print. Social media was key to their authors as this is how they generated pre-orders for their novels and won their publishing deals. Over a two-year period we managed their social media growing BNBS’s Twitter following from 0 to c5000. We also heavily promoted the individual authors’ campaigns enabling them to achieve their pre-order targets. BNBS is currently relaunching and so doesn’t have active campaigns. We believe a strong social media is the key to a successful crowdfunding publishing campaign and are approaching authors we believe have a novel/concept with real potential. Would you be interested in chatting about how we could help you? Our rates are typically £150 per month, but we are flexible according to our client’s needs. If you would like to discuss further, please let me know. Either way I really do hope you see your book in print.
Many thanks

Raz Shaw
Raz Shaw replied:

Hi Clare,

Thanks for your kind words about the book. I am hoping it will engage, entertain and inspire people in equal measure, whether or not you have been touched by cancer or gambling addiction. I am extremely proud to be part of Unbound's publishing revolution and am happy to say I have currently reached 75% of my target and am confident I will hit the 100% sooner rather than later. Having said that, I'd definitely be interested in talking to you more.

Let me know the best way to get in touch.

With best wishes


Phil Mawer
Phil Mawer asked:

Hi Raz, Just picked up on your book on our Gambling Reform and Society Perception (GRASP) forum and loved what I read so have pledged GBP 20 for a copy. You totally nail the gambling addiction feeling and life. I myself published "Overcoming Gambling' with Sheldon Press in 2010 and it's sold well ever since, so I'm sure yours will particularly with the totally new and interesting cancer suffering perspective. Happy to put a link on my website if it helps you? If so send me a link. Good luck with everything and from the sound of what I read, you certainly deserve it. Best regards

Raz Shaw
Raz Shaw replied:


Thanks so much for your kind words and your generosity. And congratulations on the book. I am ordering it as we speak. I can't wait. It would be so kind of you to put a link on your website. If you could link to my unbound page here plus to my Huffington Post blog that would be amazing.
The link to the blog is below.
Thank you so much and continued success to you.

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