Arbitrary and Unnecessary

By Daniel Piper

The debut collection of comedy short stories, poems and plays by writer, comedian and national poetry slam champion Daniel Piper.

Humour | Poetry
112% funded
206 supporters
Published

Publication date: November 2018

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$15 
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Ebuk

You get a digital copy of the book. The e-book. Ebook? eBook? Ebuk? Ebuk.
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$20  + shipping
97 pledges

Book + ebuk

You get the delightful paperback edition of the book, the ebuk too and your name in the back of the book.
$25  + shipping
38 pledges

Special book + ebuk

You get the delightful paperback and electronic editions of the book and your name in the list of Super Patrons in the front of the book.
$25  + shipping
20 pledges

EU & Me

A 1st edition paperback, the ebook edition and your name in the back of the book.
(Free shipping for EU addresses only.)
$35 
2 pledges

The Metamorphillip

You will immediately receive a digital copy of my first spoken word album, The Metamorphillip. In 2014, I sat down with several musical instruments (which I can’t play) and recorded 20 stories and poems. This rare recording is not available anywhere else, plus the ebuk.
$40  + shipping
10 pledges

Print

You get a beautiful print containing a short story from my incredible Instagram page, @danielpiperwords. You also get the paperback book and your name in the front of the book

30 available

$50  + shipping
10 pledges

Personalised print

You get a beautiful print containing a piece of writing of about anyone or anything you like. You also get the paperback and electronic copies of the book. It would be a bit crap if you also had to buy the book separately.

15 available

$50  + shipping
1 pledge

Signed scripts

You get the signed and annotated scripts for both of my full-length Edinburgh Fringe comedy shows, DANIEL PIPER IS IN FOUR GANGS (2016) and DANIEL PIPER’S DAY OFF (2017). You also get the book, with your name in the front.
$65  + shipping
1 pledge

Erotic personalised print

As above, but the personalised piece is erotic.

10 available

$65  + shipping

Personalised print & video

You get a beautiful print containing a piece of writing of about anyone or anything you like, plus a very special video recording of the piece. I will use proper lighting, dress up smart and do my hair. You also get the paperback and electronic copies of the book, with your name in the front.
$75  + shipping
4 pledges

Carpe the day

You get a personalised piece, but it is beautifully printed and presented in a frame for you to put on your wall. Much better than a crappy inspirational poster which says ‘carpe the day’ or something. You also get the paperback book and your name in the front of the book

Only 5 available

$75  + shipping
2 pledges

Instragram book

You will immediately receive a beautiful analogue copy of my Instagram writing page, @danielpiperwords. This handmade square hardback volume contains 60 selected pieces, many of which are not included in Arbitrary & Unnecessary. Each limited edition book is signed and numbered. You also get the main book, with your name in the front.
$125  + shipping

My enormous face

You get one of the original posters which appeared in the windows of every Nationwide Building Society in the UK last summer after I read poetry for two of their TV adverts. My Dad is trying to get rid of this so please help. You also get the book, with your name in the front.
$190  + shipping

I saw him before he was famous!!!!!!!!!

I will come and play a gig for you and your friend(s) in your house. It’ll be fun! Maybe I’ll bring some poetic or musical friends. I’ll also bring a copy of the book, which I will allow you to have.
$250  + shipping
4 pledges

Personalised piece in the bloody book

OMG. Deep breath before this one. Ok, right, so, you get a personalised pice of writing(erotic or non-erotic). But it’s IN the book. Like, PART of the book. So it could potentially be seen by millions of people. What better way to tell that special person you love them, or insult your boss?! You get the book too. I’m not going to put your piece in the book then not give you the book.

Only 5 available

$250  + shipping
1 pledge

Front cover print

Right. Just, sort of, hold on to something or someone before reading this one. So, as well as the book, and your name in the Super Patrons at the front, you will get the original hand-written front cover print by me. There is only one of these in the world, and it will almost definitely be worth a lot of money one day. It’s a piece of history. Get in there fast. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Okay, you can let go.
$310  + shipping
1 pledge

Dedicated

A dedication at the front of the book. There's only one of these also.

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He’s been doing this for a while now and promoters keep asking if he has any merch to sell, so here - at long last - is the debut collection from writer, comedian and national poetry slam champion (almost world champion (he came second (first the worst, second the best))) Daniel Piper.

Arbitrary & Unneccessary contains over 150 pages of comedy short stories, poems and plays, as well as extracts from two smash-hit solo comedy shows, Daniel Piper Is In Four Gangs (2016) and Daniel Piper’s Day Off (2017).

Themes include: death, Eamonn Holmes, Jesus, Eastenders, vegetables, money, Phillip Schofield, dinosaurs, One Direction, Berocca, marriage, robots, Christmas, drugs, Michael Parkinson, James Bond, mortality and the dentist.

Buy

Quick select rewards

$15 
24 pledges

Ebuk

You get a digital copy of the book. The e-book. Ebook? eBook? Ebuk? Ebuk.
Choose this reward
$20  + shipping
97 pledges

Book + ebuk

You get the delightful paperback edition of the book, the ebuk too and your name in the back of the book.
  • Daniel Piper avatar

    Daniel Piper

    Daniel Piper is a writer and comedian.

    He has been seen and heard on national TV and radio and has performed across the UK at festivals including Latitude, Bestival and Edinburgh International Book Festival. He has written and performed two smash-hit Edinburgh shows - Daniel Piper Is In Four Gangs (2016) and Daniel Piper's Day Off (2017).

    Daniel is the 2017 Scottish National Poetry Slam champion. In May the same year, he came second in the world championships in Paris. He is following over 1,000 people on Twitter. 

    “Undeniably funny” The Stage

    "A clear front runner among up-and-coming comics” The Skinny

    “Brilliant” Josie Long

  • It struck me while listening to One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful that the girl in question would cease to be beautiful if she heard the song, since not knowing her beauty was what made her beautiful. Desperate to warn her not to listen, I tracked her down to a hut near the beach from the video. She answered the door with a bag over her head. I was her first visitor in years. She had heard the song on its release and transformed immediately. The only thing keeping her going now was the hope that the boys might one day reform and write a new song in which she was beautiful, even though she knew it.

     

    Facebook

     Concerned about privacy, I deleted Facebook. While the absence was refreshing, I soon began compensating for it in my daily life. I would stop strangers and ask to see their holiday photos, show them newspaper headlines (whispering a single word such as shocking or appalling), and politely suggest that they respond with one of four facial expressions. I knew something was wrong with me after I furiously entered a lingerie shop, insisting that they remove their poorly-targeted window display and demanding to know whether I looked like the kind of man who wore women’s underwear.

    It had been a long time since Phillip Schofield last looked in the mirror. He’d been very busy what with This Morning and Dancing On Ice and All Star Mr & Mrs and it wasn’t until he did look into the mirror one Tuesday morning that he realised he was no longer Phillip Schofield, the man.

    At some point between now and the last time he had looked in the mirror (at least two months ago), he had become Phillip Schofield, the fish.

    At first he was surprised. Why had nobody told me? He thought. Then he looked at his watch. Six-thirty! He had to be at the ITV studios in half-an-hour!

    [I havent written the middle of this story. Im thinking that Phillip probably goes to work, people realise he’s a fish and there are all sorts of hi-jinks. I have written  the ending  though, because I know how I want it to end. All you need to know is that Phillip is now in a restaurant and at some point during the day he has changed his name to Fiship Scalefield]

    The waiter approached. 

    Are you ready to order, Mr Scalefield?

    Fiship looked at the menu. 

    Hmm. I’m not sure. Do you recommend anything? Let me see, said the waiter. The fish is good.

    Fiship laughed. 

    No thanks! He said. I think I’ve had enough fish for one day. I am one.

     

    Comedy

    When I told the taxi driver I dabble in comedy, he told me to tell him a joke. I told him I don’t really do jokes, more like storytelling or poetry to be honest. He asked if I wanted to hear a joke about his penis but then said never mind actually, it’s too long. It’s a shame because I did want to hear it.

    Read more...
  • 13th March 2019 Podcast + Award

    Hello everyone! Hopefully by now you've all received your copies of my book. Some of you may have even finished it by now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm just getting in touch about two things. Firstly, a lot of people have asked if I'll be recording an audiobook version of Arbitrary and Unnecessary. Well, I've decided to do just that - but with a twist. I'll be recording the entire book as a podcast…

    11th April 2018 You are a good person.

    Hello, my wonderful Arbitrary and Unnecessary pledgers! I’m not calling you Arbitrary and Unnecessary, by the way. If my book were named after you, it would be called Essential and Beloved [and just an all-out bloody legend].

    The crowdfunding process for my first book has been (and still is) a fun, terrifying, uplifting and humbling process. I realised recently that I have often been the kind of…

    27th March 2018 #MakeLiteratureGreatAgain

    8th March 2018 The Will of the People

    We're over halfway! Thank you! Here is a special reading for everybody who has pledged for the book so far. Please do continue to share the campaign with your friends, colleagues, loved ones or anybody with a large social media following. 

    28th November 2017 One week in. Thank you!

    Here's a little updade for everybdy who has pledged so far.

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